She's Gonna Blow

In my normal, non-pregnant state, I would consider myself to have a very active filter. By filter, I mean the little voice in my brain that might think something but then immediately stops me from saying it out loud. I guess you would call it my brain-mouth filter. Even during the worst of my infertility/loss days, when I heard horrible things from people who simply didn't know better (and some who did), I very rarely said anything. I came here to vent about it instead.
I would rather keep quiet than make someone uncomfortable, would rather keep my opinions and feelings to myself than cause a fight, and in general, put up with a lot of crap just to keep the peace. I do this with friends, family, strangers on the street, business associates, etc. It's not that I never stand up for myself or that I never have a snarky little comeback or comment for someone, but it's rare and I have to be pretty provoked.


Well, at least that's the way it used to be.


Pregnant Me, on the other hand, seems to have no brain-mouth filter. I find myself saying exactly how I feel or think about something, with very little regard for the person on the other side. Now, I do try to control this, I really do. I do not believe that pregnancy is an excuse to behave like an arse, but in the heat of the moment, I do not see myself in the wrong. I see myself as perfectly justified in telling this person exactly what I think of them and putting them in their place.


It isn't just the tendency to say somewhat inappropriate things, either. It is that I can literally feel my blood pressure rise when someone says something to me that, under normal circumstances, would barely phase me. I find myself getting really upset about the little things that are really no big deal, but have suddenly become A Very Big Deal.

One example of this would be comments. Usually if I get a negative comment, I roll my eyes or laugh and leave it if it's not offensive to the community at large or delete it if I think it might offend others. I went back to an old post the other day to reread your responses and someone had added a comment that was snarky and directed only at me. It was the kind I would usually just leave and not think about again. But that stupid comment really irritated me. I wanted to fire back a response and started writing one. Then, I took a deep breath and just deleted it. But two days later, it still is irking me. Yeah.

Another example would be at a Super Bowl party we went to on Sunday. I was in the kitchen, talking with the hostess and her friend. Her friend is a lesbian in a very committed relationship who had just had an IUD put in about six months ago and now is hearing her biological clock ticking. She is in her thirties and her partner on in her young twenties and they didn't feel they were ready, but now they are changing their minds. She started moaning about all of the costs and procedures they would have to go through to get pregnant. Now, this person had no idea that I was A) pregnant or B) had any issues conceiving Will. So, when she started complaining about how she'd love to be straight just so she could accidentally get pregnant and how she can't just "accidentally fall on the turkey baster," she was trying to be funny. She wasn't knocking me or infertile couples, and yet my brain-mouth filter failed me as I said, "You know, all straight couples can't necessarily just 'get pregnant' either." I wasn't mean as I said it, but it was an entirely unnecessary comment to make. Is it true? Absolutely, but not something I would usually say.

She was contrite and then I was contrite and briefly explained our history. The conversation actually turned pleasant as we discussed fertility clinics in the area and procedures but it could have easily gone a different direction. Fortunately, it didn't, but other times, I haven't been as fortunate.

My husband undoubtedly bears the brunt of this. Sometimes, I think it is good for him and our marriage that I am being more open about my feelings. But he is not used to this "new and unimproved" me and doesn't know how to react to my emotions. I have always been sensitive, but my reactions before would have been to cry about something or just be quiet about it. Now, I come back at him with guns blazing. We have definitely been having more arguments lately.

I did not have this problem with Will. When I was pregnant with him, I seemed extra happy, filled with peace and goodwill toward men (and women). This time, I just find my threshold for BS and just life in general, is very low. I don't like this development. In the first trimester, I put myself on 24-hour hold with my reactions to things. If I was still upset about something a day later, I could say something about it. But as the pregnancy progresses, I am finding this self-imposed rule to be more difficult to enforce.

One of my friends thinks it is both about time that I stood up for myself and amusing (and yes, she has been the victim of my lack of filter a couple of times). She thinks that I normally put up with way too much crap and that this is how I should have been acting all along. I tell her not to get used to it and hope to return to my normal state. Quickly.