Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

I wrote yesterday about the lowest point in our years of infertility. Today is the anniversary of one of the highest.

Three years ago, when Gummy Bear died, it was an awful Christmas. I honestly don't know how we survived it. After losing so many babies in one year and the one pregnancy that had seemed ready to go the distance, I had no hope.

I think one of the hardest parts (for me) about infertility and loss is that there is so little that our society does to help us with the grieving. There is no memorial service, no plaque, no marking that a little body or soul was here. If your loss is prior to 20 weeks, you don't even get a birth certificate and, in some states, you don't even get that after 20 weeks. I was fortunate to have an employer with excellent benefits and was able to take a few days off with each miscarriage, more for my emotional recovery than for the physical, but I always was back at work within a day or two, simply because I knew that it was what was "expected."

Even though I put my game face on, even though I kept putting one foot in front of the other, I was a broken woman. I had very little hope or faith left in me. I was grieving so much, mourning the loss of what had been taken from us and desperately sad that we would never have a real, live baby.

My husband had a wonderful idea on New Year's Eve 2006. He said we should write letters to our Angel Babies and put them in a balloon. We then should "send" that letter to them by releasing the balloon over the Puget Sound. It was a cold, dreary day when we wrote those letters and sent those balloons skyward, but I felt my heart get lighter as we did it and I was happier than I had been in weeks. It was finally the memorial service that our children - and we - deserved. It was the start of hoping again. The next year, we were barely pregnant at New Year's, but I still had hope. Last year, we had our four month old with us, and I was filled with gratitude.

This year, we are going to let Will pick the color of balloons (for anyone that wants to do this, one balloon is just barely enough to carry even a small note upwards - so we do a whole dozen and we can see it in the sky forever - we have even attached glow sticks and blinky lights - wonder what people must think!). We write our hopes and dreams for the coming year on the letter now, as well as a few words for our sweet babies, and when we release those balloons, we are saying goodbye to the old and bringing in the new. And never forgetting what we have been so sweetly blessed by, both here and in heaven.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Something That I've Never Talked About

I am very open. Just browse around and see for yourself, I tell you perhaps too much about TTC, miscarriage, D&C, pregnancy, and parenthood after loss.

One thing I have never talked about is one of the most shattering moments of my infertility journey. I am not sure why it sprang to mind just recently, but the imagine has returned to me, a painful part of my past that I buried and forced myself to forget about. Now that it's back, I can't get it out of my head. Writing here has always been healing to me, so I am hopeful that I can exorcise this image a bit. I don't want to forget it, per se, I just want it to stop hurting so much.

Perhaps it is the fact that we are nearing the next OB appointment. I fear that visit as I have feared every single ultrasound since discovering Gummy Bear's heart was no longer beating. I was 11 weeks pregnant then. I will be 11 weeks pregnant next week. The past definitely has been haunting me lately, as I alternatively cling to hope and yet try to steel my heart against possible pain.

In any case. . .

January 2006, we lost our first pregnancy at around 6 weeks, 2 days. I doubt the pregnancy ever got much past implantation, based on my last beta, but there was a little lump of tissue that came out after some especially bad cramps on the second day of bleeding. Whether it was a clot, or whether it was actually a part of our beloved baby, I will never know for sure. But it was different than other clots that I had before and after and I truly did believe it was the products of conception. . . or part of them in any case.

I remember passing that tissue or clot and it dropping directly into the toilet with a soft plopping sound. I felt it leave my body and turned to look at it out some sort of primal need to see it. I stared at that poor little lump as the emotions cascaded around me. I cried harder in my life than I have ever cried, even losing Gummy Bear. I sobbed and grieved and longed for a different ending to our tragic tale. I railed against everything that had ended this small life and taken away my hopes and dreams. And then the moment came to flush the toilet. . . and I could not. That was my child. It might have been just a clump of cells, but it was so very loved. To flush it like a piece of waste, to push down that handle, was something that was beyond me. I came out of the bathroom, sobbing, and my husband asked what was wrong. I told him what had happened and that I could not flush our baby. He understood, but I could also see that he didn't get it and perhaps even thought I was being melodramatic. He came into the bathroom,"ready" to do what needed to be done. And then he got it. He couldn't do it, either.

Instead, he knelt down next to me where I had once again crumpled to the floor. He took my hand. We cried, we railed, we sat in silence. And then, we did the most terrible thing that a couple ever has to do. We "buried" our child. It wasn't pretty, there were no flowers, no gravesite to visit, no headstone to mark the place. M did say some words, I just sobbed, so in many ways, it was like our memorial service. We reached out and pulled down that handle together and as the toilet flushed, I felt my heart going down that drain.

That moment in our bathroom was desperately awful. It is a moment that I hope and pray that no one ever has to go through... and yet, so many do. There were many times that I passed our sweet angels at home. I got "better" at flushing the toilet, if one can ever improve upon such a thing. M no longer had to do it for me. But it never got any easier.

I don't know why I remember this moment so vividly right now. I think sometimes, it is easy to forget everything that happened before. It is easy to get frustrated with how I feel about this pregnancy. I forget that I have a reason to be afraid, to guard my heart, to stand back a bit. The pain of losing your baby is something you never forget and that lives in your heart, changes the fibers of your soul. No matter how you prepare, no matter what logic you might apply, it will always hurt.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Ties That Bind

Since the dawning of time, or at least since we started dating, M and I have done the holiday traveling to see our families. All of it. In both directions.

My parents live at one end of the state, his at the other. Four hours apart.

Four hours doesn't sound like that much, and when it was just us, it wasn't so bad. Add in the dogs and things got more complicated, but still doable. Throw in a cat, just another mouth we had to think about feeding, but it was still okay. Will's arrival added a whole other level of planning, packing, and stress. Soon, we are going to have two babies to think about.

M's mom is single. M's dad passed away when he was little, and they were divorced prior to his passing. She never remarried or even seriously dated that I am aware of. All of M's extended family lives in the same town. We never miss an important holiday or family event and we are good about inviting her here, but due to various obligations (two part time jobs and animals to care for), it is difficult for her to get away.

My parents still have a teenager at home. My sister and her husband live in the same town as they do. My dad still works very part time. Getting away for them is not easy, either.

Our reasoning in traveling to our families has always been twofold. The obvious first reason is that we were only two people (now three, soon to be four!) traveling to multiple people. It didn't seem practical making 10 people travel to see us before we had kids. The second reason is that our house isn't that big. It's less than 1800 square feet. We do have (but not for long) a spare bedroom, but my parents, when they come, also bring three energetic dogs and a teenage boy. My brother ends up sleeping on the living room couch. My parents are great, but they bring a LOT of stuff. And mess. And chaos. The house looks like a bomb has gone off the entire time they are here. While I can just kind of "deal" with it, it drives M insane. He tries to corral the mess, putting it away, shoving it in a closet, only to have my mom make another mess faster than he can clean it up. I have to admit, it is astonishing how they can just "take over" the house in mere seconds after pulling into the driveway, but I figure it's temporary. We can always clean again after they leave.

So, most holidays, it has just been easier to do the traveling. We alternate holidays so that every other one is at the alternate family. Christmas is the exception, where we travel to both families to celebrate. Usually, that ends up being two fairly close together trips several hours away from home. We celebrate the weekend before with the "off" family (who had us for Thanksgiving and will have us for Easter and then Christmas next year) and then Christmas Eve and day of with the "on" family. This worked great for the first few years, but I have to admit, it's been wearing on both of us for several holiday seasons now. We do a lot of packing, a lot of driving, a lot of sleeping on uncomfortable hideabeds, and a lot more driving.

As we were driving home from my parents' this past December 26th, we had a frank discussion about how this, and other Christmases, have felt. To put it simply, we are "done." This Christmas we are both sick of the travel, the presents, the stress. . . all of it. We barely had a second to catch our breath, let alone really reflect on the true meaning of the holiday. We were with family, and that is important, but everyone was so stressed, so overwhelmed, that the time together wasn't relaxed. We didn't get to go to Christmas Eve services at our church and neither of our families attend church in their towns. I didn't get to make a holiday meal. We didn't get to enjoy the decorations at our house. As our family is growing, we want to start out own traditions. On the one hand, it feels selfish, but on the other hand, we feel it's kind of the "Circle of Life" when it comes to holidays. Our parents both got to celebrate their holidays in their own homes when we were little, so why can't we? We did make choices, such as moving to a city where neither of us grew up, but we also went where the jobs were, which at the time, weren't in either hometown.

Being sick this year and having a sick baby did not help our stress level. We are trying to decide if the feelings we have are a result of that or truly needing to change how holidays go. Keep in mind, if we do change our future holiday plans, we are going to face major opposition. From both families.

M's suggestion is that we have Christmas Eve at our house, do our own traditions, then travel late Christmas morning to whatever family we are supposed to be with and spend a night or two. I feel that still won't help our situation. We are still going to be doing the all of the traveling, which to me, is a big part of the burnout.

I guess I feel as if it is time that we Take Back the Holiday. We will give plenty of notice and do it kindly and gently, and tell them that next year they need to come to us. I expect hurt feelings and arguments about why that won't work, but I want to stand firm. There are a lot of reasons why it isn't convenient for us to go to our families, but for ten years now, we've been making that happen. With a toddler and young infant, it's going to be very difficult for us to do all of the traveling next year. This is also just a trial, to see how it goes. If it really doesn't work, then we can always go back to the old way the following year. This is not forever, either. As our children grow, it should become easier to travel again (she says with the innocence of a first time mom). It was already easier to pack a 16 month old than it was to pack an infant, so I expect it will only get easier in the future with this next baby, too.

At this point, M wants to send out an e-mail, asking our families for suggestions. While I understand what he is saying (give them an investment in the plan by letting them feel as if they came up with it), I am worried that it will open up a can of worms for even more disappointments if we don't like or take their advice. Since we already know what we truly want, I see no harm in throwing that out there, asking for the moon (them coming to us for the holiday), then seeing if there is a compromise if they don't like our idea. For example, next year would be our year with M's family, so perhaps we do Christmas Eve here and then just go to my MIL's for the afternoon on Christmas Day. Traveling for just an hour, not packing dogs, kids' overnight stuff, and bags, is much easier. Then, we can either have my parents here for the weekend before Christmas, or if they really can't make it, then travel a week earlier in the season so that we have some breathing room between trips.

I don't want to come across as selfish or as if we don't care about our families and what they need and want, because we do care. Hurt feelings are not our intention. I don't think our families understand our feelings because we haven't shared them, so we aren't even giving them a chance to help us find a solution. I feel as if there must be a way to compromise so that everyone gets a bit more of what they want. This bottled up feeling of frustration is bound to explode and I would rather formulate a plan NOW and give everyone lots of advance warning, rather than deciding last minute next year that we simply "can't" go through anothing holiday like this and leaving someone in the lurch.

How do you handle the holiday "split"? Do you think we should just suck it up and keep traveling or are we okay in wanting to have some of the holiday for ourselves? Advice (and gentle admonishment if you think we are being Grinchy) appreciated and welcomed.

Monday, December 28, 2009

From Go to Slow

I have always been a person "on the go." I don't sit around and do nothing well. I like to be on the move. Part of the reason why I was attracted to territory sales when I worked outside of the home is that I was never in the same place for any amount of time. Go, go, go. This also holds true for my personal life.

I do like to relax, but even my "relaxation" includes expending some sort of energy. I love a good, hot bath, but I have to be reading a book while I soak. I would get bored just sitting there. I can rarely just sit back and watch a movie or t.v. show. I am usually on our laptop, folding laundry, or doing something. Pre-Will, my idea of a perfect Saturday or Sunday wasn't sitting around the house, but taking the dogs to our local "dog park," going to an outdoor market, or even browsing Target. Rarely, would you find me home for an entire day unless I was ill.

And now? Well, at first, I was intimidated by taking a newborn out. Will was unpredictable and I lived in fear of being stuck someplace and not being able to soothe him (as happened the first few times we did venture out). As he aged, however, he became more agreeable to errands and such and I found it was actually easier to entertain him out of the house than it it. Grocery stores, childrens' museums, the zoo, Target, library for storytime, bookstore to play with the train table, etc., we get out a lot. He seems to enjoy getting out as much as I do. We are still home for some of the day, and stick to a schedule for meals and naps, but we get out pretty much every day, even if it's just to a friend's house for a playdate.

Lately, however, I have a feeling this "on the go" mentality of mine might need to make a shift. First off, the always on the run feeling is not how I really want to feel. I hate rushing around constantly, and there really is no need for it. It is all self-imposed. In addition, Will has been pretty sick the past couple of weeks. He needs to be home, just to rest up and also to not be exposed to any more germs for awhile. Although I am careful and use hand sanitizer and still have a cloth cart cover, I am sure our recent bouts of illness and how much we got out to do holiday errands were no mere coincidence.

I have found that being home with Will for more than one day in a row can get. . . well, I will just say it. . . boring. I don't want to say that he is boring, but by day's end, we are both tired of the books, toys, and songs at our disposal. I really want to get better at this being home thing and with "Project As If" seemingly on track, I am going to need to get better at entertaining Will at home. I have visions of art projects, building forts, and baking together, but when I have tried those activities at this age, he quickly gets bored. He likes to eat the crayons more than color with them. He gets frustrated when he can't eat the raw dough when we try to make cookies.

We do all sorts of "structured" play throughout the day. I also let him play with his toys on his own while I get things done. We do flashcards, count, name colors, etc. We read, we sing, we dance, we play. Lather, rinse, repeat. Of course, we have nap, snacks, and meals to take up some time as well. Still, I find myself wondering at least once throughout the day, "What do we do next?" And coming up a bit short. I wouldn't care so much about myself being bored, but he seems bored, too.

What fun activities do you do with your toddler(s)? Will is 16 months, so things that are/were entertaining for that age would be especially helpful. I feel as if I need some fresh ideas and appreciate any that you want to share! Also, he has plenty of toys already, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on new things. I don't mind investing in certain craft supplies, however, so don't hesitate to mention a craft or project that works with kids at this age.

Here are some good links for ideas that I have tried already or am planning on trying. If you are also wondering "what to do" hopefully, these will help!

Mamapedia link

Disney FamilyFun link

Associated Content link (specifically, I want to make the jars they mention)

Okay, your turn!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

It Was A Merry Sickmas

On Christmas Eve, Will woke up with his usual perma-stuffy-nose. He had been sick the weekend before with a high temperature, but it had gone away within a couple of days and the magic of Tylenol and Motrin. He had still had the runny nose, but I wasn't concerned.

I noticed he was hoarse and grabbing at his throat a lot, but he ate breakfast, and was playing with his toys and seemed to be acting okay for the most part. M and I were hustling around, packing to leave for my parents. M was complaining of a sore throat, and I figured he was getting Will's cold.

As M was packing the last bits into the car, I noticed Will was making a funny sound when he took a breath. Almost a groan. I was concerned and listened to the noise for a little while, noticing it was getting worse. I took his temperature and it was 101. I glanced at the clock: 11:30. I knew that his pediatrician's office closed at 1 and I wanted to check in with the nurse really quickly about this strange breathing sound and temperature. After listening to the noise over the phone, the nurse said, "Get here in ten minutes so we can fit you in before the doctor leaves. I don't like the sound of that."

We live 10 minutes away from the office in ideal conditions. Christmas Eve traffic was hardly ideal. It took us almost 20 minutes to get there, and the doctor was literally walking out the door when we checked in, but he stayed to look at Will. His diagnosis? Croup. There isn't much that can be done for croup, but it sounds nasty and makes poor little kiddos feel pretty nasty. And for a first time mom, listening to her baby gasp for breath is scary. Scratch that, I don't care if you are a mom a million times over, it's scary to listen to that stridor.

The doctor said it was fine to go to my parents if they were okay with being exposed to the virus that causes croup. He said that the virus usually only makes children have the croup symptoms, but it can still make adults sick with sinus symptoms. I called my parents and they said to come on down anyway. At that point, Will still seemed to be feeling okay, and we were all packed and ready to go, so we went.

As we drove, Will sounded sicker and sicker. As we drove, M sounded sicker and sicker. By the time we arrived at my parents three hours later, I had two very sick boys on my hands.

My parents helped us unload the car. I had dressed Will in his big brother t-shirt to reveal "Project As If" to my parents. I took his jacket off and my mom said, "I knew it!" My parents were very excited for us, and my mom kept saying, "I knew you were pregnant!" My dad even said to her, "You were right." I guess I am not a good secret keeper!

As the day went on, I felt sick, though in a different way. I had taken 3 doses of my nausea medications and still was feeling awful. So, Christmas Eve was renamed Sickmas Eve. I felt sorry for my poor mom, who had made so much food, and Will had no appetite, M had no appetite, and I had no appetite. My sister and her husband are both recovering from having the H1N1 virus and decided last minute they didn't want any more sick exposure, so they didn't come over for dinner.

That night was a rough one for sleep. M was miserable, Will was miserable. Poor little guy would settle down to sleep and then a series of choking, barking coughs were rouse him. He was obviously scared when he couldn't breathe, so he would cry, which would make the coughing worse, which would scare him, which would make it a vicious cycle.

M was unable to get comfortable, he was achey and congested. He had a fever and couldn't get warm. Trying to sleep in the same bed with him was impossible. His coughs would also wake Will. I was alternating between caring for Will and trying to keep from vomiting.

At a certain point, there isn't much you can do besides just laugh at the situation. I think that's the perspective of 16 months working for me. I knew this was only a temporary situation and that things would look up soon. I was grateful for the pediatrician's visit that morning, since I knew it was croup and not something more serious like pneumonia making it so hard for him to breathe. I wasn't happy that my poor little one was sick, but I knew it was only a matter of time and he would feel better soon.

He was feeling a little better by morning, well enough to manage to eat some cinnamon toast and then ask his grandma for more. My mom was thrilled! She loves to cook, especially for an appreciative audience. We opened presents, M and Will took a nap, and then we had a huge dinner. My mom makes prime rib on Christmas Day and that is one of M's very favorite. I had gotten him some cold medication from the store (I suddenly understood the need for a grocery store to be open on Christmas Day) and he was finally feeling better. Will enjoyed his first taste of prime rib and shoveled in twice baked potato as fast as he could. I actually had enough of an appetite to eat enough to make my mom happy. It was finally a Merry Christmas.

I hope you also had a nice Christmas, though minus the sickness! It will certainly be one that I remember.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Magic of the Season

Ah, my friends. It is Christmas Eve. How can that be? Wasn't it just summer? Or Thanksgiving?

I know the holidays can be rough, especially if you are still waiting for your very own Real Live Baby. It is difficult to stand here, on the "other" side, and tell you to be patient, that your miracle is coming. Because that's the worst part of it all. When I was in the depths of infertility despair, it wasn't the waiting that killed me, it was not knowing IF I would ever become a Mommy. I knew only too well that life isn't fair, that people that deserve to be parents sometimes don't ever get to realize that dream. So, I won't tell you to be patient, have faith, or any other platitude. I will oh-so-gently advise you to have patience with yourself, however, and know that you are doing your best. Infertility is rough and it can do a number on your head, heart, and faith in everything you hold dear, so be gentle with yourself.

I did want to share with you a story that will hopefully warm your heart as it did mine. Every year, M and I adopt a family through a local organization. This year, they changed their rules and didn't do a specific family adoption, but we still gave our usual amount in money rather than gifts. Then, last Friday, we heard about a family in need of assistance through our church. The mom is single, there are three young children, and last week, their home was broken into. They are renting and did have renters' insurance, but also a very high deductible and poor coverage once they get to that. As a result, the mom would not have any gifts for her children on Christmas (even their wrapped packages were stolen).

As we had already done our other Christmas donations for the year, we were quite honestly "tapped out." But we looked at the situation and at our finances, and decided that this was something worth taking a bit out of savings for. We shopped for gifts for each of the children, something small for the mom, and then a gift card for groceries to help with Christmas dinner. It wasn't a lot of money that we spent, but we hoped that it would help them to know that complete strangers were caring about them during a hard time.

Yesterday, I went to drop off the presents and was feeling very "bah humbug." It took me a half hour to take what should have been a five minute trip to the drop off location. Will was being kind of grumpy and not interested in a car ride in a car that was barely moving. Holiday drivers on their way to score a last minute deal were cutting me off, honking horns, and giving one-fingered waves to everyone around them. When I finally got to the office of the person I was supposed to meet, I was almost 20 minutes late and frazzled.

I hustled into the building and a lady was there. She saw me, arms filled with Will and packages. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "Let get the elevator for you! Your little boy is soooo cute! I just want to pinch his lil' cheeks!"

She was friendly, offering to help me with the packages, and pressing the button on the elevator for me. Will flirted and she waved and then we went up to the office. The lady I was meeting was very kind and helped me put the packages in the mom's office. Just as I was about to leave, the lady from downstairs walked in. She was the mom of the family we were adopting.

She gave me a big hug, held Will for a minute, and then we talked about the break in and how traumatic it has been for her as a single mom and her young kiddos. We talked about the things that she lost that cannot be replaced, like antique jewelry from her great-grandmother and her wedding ring that she was saving to give her daughter. I told her that I wished we could have done more, but that we hoped what we had done would help a bit. She was very grateful. After another hug, we left, and I saw tears in her eyes.

I got an e-mail from the person who had set it all up. The lady said that we gave her family something that couldn't be wrapped up: We restored her faith in humanity.

It honestly gives me more than it could ever give to someone else when we adopt a family. The pure joy I get shopping for strangers, for children who otherwise wouldn't be getting anything, is immeasurable. The pressure is still on to make sure that they like what I choose, but only because I know it might be their only gift or one of very few. As I wrap the gifts, I feel an extra sense of care as I fold, cut, tape, and mark the labels "from Santa." As I pen those words, I truly know that there is a Santa, or at least the magical illusion of one. The irritation of the traffic today was no match for the feelings of peace that I felt knowing we had brought some Merry to that family's Christmas. That feeling has stayed with me today, and I hope it will in the days to come.

To all of you, I wish you peace, joy, and love this holiday season. Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Easy Freezer Meal

Gah, I promised a food post every week and then morning sickness struck with a vengeance. I am resorting to a lot of freezer meals and M is making a lot of frozen pizzas and getting takeout. Takeout is the bain of our budget existence. Of course, I haven't been doing as much grocery shopping lately, but it doesn't even out. Trust me. I don't even want to think about what we've spent this month on convenience food and Christmas combined. We will really have to tighten up the reins in January. Hopefully, I will feel better then, which will make it easier.

I did want to share this recipe, however. Whenever I make it, I double it and freeze one. It freezes and reheats incredibly well. . . in fact, I think it might taste better when heated the second time. Because it is all pre-cooked, it is just a matter of thawing and reheating (you could even microwave it in a pinch). I usually serve this with a green veggie (even though it already has corn in it) and a salad or fruit. It has been a hit with both M and Will. It isn't my "favorite" meal, but it is filling and economical, and, most importantly, easy.

Cheesy Chicken and Corn Bake
(this is a single recipe, I usually double)

1 pkg yellow rice
1/2 stick butter or margarine
1 can cream of chicken soup
1/2 c. sour cream
2 cups cooked chicken
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 1/2 c. shredded cheddar cheese

1. Prepare rice according to package directions.
2. Add cooked rice with all other ingredients (reserving 1/2 c. shredded cheddar cheese) and stir until well-blended.
3. Pour into 13 x 9 baking dish and top with remaining cheddar cheese.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, until bubbly.

If you are going to freeze it, do so before the baking step. The day you want to serve it, just put it in the oven as you are preheating and then add about 20 to 30 minutes to baking time.

* I have used canned chicken before and it works well.
** I usually use frozen corn.
*** I have used shredded monteray jack cheese or a blend of cheddar.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Which Came First?

I read a post by R&R about how her marriage was affected by parenthood. If you haven't read it yet, I encourage you to click over. It's a good one, because it is written very well, but also because it encompasses so much of what marriages go through when two become three. . . or more.

No one really talks about the reality of this transition. Oh, I am sure there are books about it, but really, women should just be more open with other women. Then again, it might just be one of those things you have to experience for yourself to completely understand. Just as the fertiles of the world tried to tell me how exhausting having a newborn would be, I really didn't "get it" until I got it.

I remember when I was about three months pregnant with Will and my mom did try to warn me. She told me that my husband would become a lazy arse, I would hate him, and he would resent the baby. I pretty much laughed in her face and and told her that would certainly not be the case. Not my husband, the man who would run all over town looking for the "right" kind of lemonade for his queasy, pregnant wife. Not my husband, the man who was such a good Daddy to our furbabies. Not my husband who went to every. freakin'. doctor appointment without fail. She just said, "You'll see. . ."

Now, to be fair, my husband did not become a lazy arse, but it sure did feel that way sometimes. Not all of the time, mind you, but on weekends, when he considered himself "off" for 48 hours, but I was still on fulltime infant duty, I would look at him and think "What the heck?"

When Will's diaper was poopy for the 4,325,945th time and I asked him to do it and he said, "No." As if No is an option? I guess for him, it is. Not for me. Can't let the baby sit in his own feces and he sure isn't going to change it himself.

When all of the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, scouring floors, etc., became my "jobs" now that I wasn't working outside of the home, but he would lay on the couch during Will's nap time? Yeah, I guess I felt as if he was being pretty darn lazy then.

Whew, getting a little fired up here. That is not the purpose of this post, but I wanted to give some examples. Now, please don't misunderstand me here, my husband is a good man. He gets up every single day, goes to his job, which he works hard at and is very, very good at, he brings home a good living, and he also manages our household budget, which is another very big responsibility. But it did seem that when Will came into our lives, a lot changed for me, but not as much for him. And while it seemed my workload increased exponentially, his seemed to stay about the same.

In talking with other newer moms, I see a definite pattern. Husbands defer the bulk of childcare to the wives. This seems to be the case regardless of whether the mom works outside of the home or in it. On weekends, husbands might eagerly play with their off-spring, but when it comes to the dirty jobs, they gladly hand it all over to their wives. Now, if this is not the case for you, I am really happy for you (really, no sarcasm intended or meant), but doing informal polling a lot of my friends and reading blogs, this seems to be the general case.

I have talked to my husband about this, and he does not see this to be true. He thinks that I "prefer" to do all of the heavy lifting when it comes to Will, that he thinks that he cannot do it as well as Mommy can. I feel badly, because if he thinks that, it must be that I have conveyed that. If I am honest, I definitely know there was a time or two (or twenty million) when he wasn't doing it the "right" (my) way and I stepped in and took over.

To show both sides here, an event that clearly illustrates this is the day that my husband was feeding Will lunch while I was doing some dishes. He turned to me and asked me if he could feed Will some more green beans. I automatically answered, "Yes."

Then I stopped and thought. This man is this child's father. He shouldn't have to ask if he can feed him something. . . especially something as innocous as green beans, but really anything for that matter. I never turn to M and say, "Can I do X?" when referring to anything in his day-to-day care. I might ask his opinion on some larger issue, such as discipline or whether to enroll him in a certain activity, but honestly, I probably already have my mind made up there, too, and would only change it if M had serious reservations. Why does M feel the need to ask my permission to do something so. . . simple? It is pretty clear to me, folks, that I was steam rolling my poor husband and being controlling when it came to taking care of my child. No wonder he hesitates to step in and help.

So, in the spirit of being completely honest, is this the classic "chicken vs. egg" scenario? Are men the ones that are lazy or do women take over? Since I find this repeating in so many households, I have to say that it can't just be me. I see it happen with all of my friends as they grow their families. So many have told me that when they add another baby to the mix, their husbands really step up and become more involved. I wonder if that's because the wives don't have the time and energy to take over as much and have to start letting go.

In addition to shifting roles and responsibities, becoming parents adds an entirely new dimension to the relationship. This dimension is both wonderful and unsettling all at once. Some of my favorite moments in my marriage have been watching my husband with our son. M is responsible for putting Will to bed everynight, and sometimes, I stand on the other side of the closed door and my heart just melts as I listen to him talk to Will.

The other side of the coin, however, is that there have also been times when M has let me down as a husband since we've had a baby. I'm not exempt here, either. Will definitely took first place for me for a long time, especially in the newborn days. Our marriage took a backseat while I was adjusting to mommyhood and while I know M "understood," it was something that we both had to get used to.

There is much to say on this topic, but I know that there is probably a lot that you can add about your experiences shifting from a couple to a family. What do you think has been the hardest part? The easiest? The lowest point? The highest?

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Cat Is Out of the Bag

There were so many reasons not to tell my husband's family about "Project As If" this weekend. Lots of good, solid reasons that we had discussed ad nauseum over the course of the past few weeks. Those reasons were reinforced by last week's spotting.

Somehow, in the hour drive between our house and my mother-in-law's, we decided to go against all logic and reason and to tell the family. This had a lot to do with me being really sick and not wanting to have to hide it. It's so much effort to sit at a table with food all around me and my MIL is a "feeder," so it would have been an extra chore. Will was also feeling under the weather, so the combination was a killer on Saturday morning. Plus, it all boiled down to one essential element: M wanted to tell his family. I don't blame him. We had never gotten to tell his family before. With all of our other pregnancies, they didn't ever know about them. We only told them about Gummy Bear after the pregnancy was over. With Will, they knew we were doing IVF, so although they were thrilled, it was hardly a surprise. So, this was his chance to have his "Hallmark" moment with his family.

We dressed Will in a Big Brother t-shirt. We let him walk around, waiting for their reactions. M's aunt noticed right away and her eyes widened in surprise and went to my waistline. I nodded confirmation, then put my finger to my lips, urging her to let my MIL and M's grandma find out on their own. My MIL was a few minutes behind in noticing the shirt and what it said, and even when she did read it, she still wasn't sure. She looked at me in confusion. I nodded and told her that on or about July 26, Will is going to be a big brother. She whooped and gave me a big hug. M's grandma still didn't get it. M's aunt and mother were hugging me and him, crying and laughing, and finally, M said, "Read Will's shirt, Grandma." She still didn't get it, until M told her, "Katie is pregnant."

Well, she got it then and was pretty excited! They all were. It was a pretty neat moment. I feel like we deserve another "As If" moment.

That being said. . .

I am nervous. Nervous that we told them. Nervous that we dared to do something like this. Who are we to think that we could actually have this baby in July? I have this weird feeling about it, as if we are inviting them into our happiness, but also perhaps inviting them in to share our pain. We only told them about our losses after they had happened. Although his family was sad, I think it's hard to get as upset about something you know is never going to be. To never have the hope and excitement is tough, but it also means less pain. We have saved them that in the past. This time, I hope we have not done damage.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Friday Night Leftovers

Okay, so this is my first time doing this. I like the idea, because I don't have enough energy for a full post on each of these topics, yet they are rolling around in my head. Here, for your reading and commenting, pleasure:

1) I am kind of "done" with Christmas right now. Not done with the true meaning of Christmas, not done with the parts that I enjoy, like spending time with family and friends, but I am done with the over-commercialized, getting ready part. I am so over the mall, frustrated with the busier-than-usual supermarket, irritated by petty family drama as we prepare to gather together, and plain old grumpy about the last minute gifts that somehow keep getting added to my list after I think I am "all done." I am a little bah-humbug over the fact that all of this "to do" takes away from the meaning and enjoyment of the season. I know it's up to me to control that, but sometimes it's difficult.
2) I had my first public vomiting episode with this pregnancy today. I threw up at the Children's Museum. In a plastic fireman's hat. I rinsed the hat out and turned it into the front desk with a brief explanation and apology. The lady laughed at me. The other moms around me when I actually vomited were not as amused. Is it my fault that the only bathrooms in the entire place are on the basement level of a three story building?

3) It's going to be very difficult for me to keep my pregnancy under wraps this weekend. What with said vomiting very much an issue. We are going to be at my in-laws for 48 hours. Wish me luck.

4) Will has been so well-behaved this week. Seriously. Last week, he was all toddlerish (definitely not a word, but should be) and I was wanting to pull my hair out. This week, his behavior has bordered on angelic. We ran errands every single day; long, boring errands. I was smart enough to sprinkle fun things such as a play session at the mall playarea, a special snack from the food court, and a quick trip to the Children's Museum (see above) liberally throughout our shopping trips. Still, his behavior was admirable. I had no fewer than a dozen compliments on my well-behaved child over the course of the week. It always makes me puff up with parental pride when he gets those positive remarks. Granted, if they could have seen him hit me last week when I took a fork away from him, their impressions of his behavior might have been just a bit different!

5) Speaking of hitting and such adverse behavior, what do you lovely people do out there with your toddlers when they are being naughty? For tantrums, I just let him cry (so long as it's safe) and ignore him. So far, it seems to be working, but he's young and his "tantrums" are still relatively mild. For hitting and such, however, obviously ignoring it is not an option. I think timeouts are probably appropriate at this age, but how to you actually do a timeout? Do you place them in their cribs (effective at containing, but I am not sure I want to give his crib a negative connotation)? Do you bust out the pack n play (again, do I want that association when it's tough enough to get him to sleep in that thing when we travel)? Or do you put your kiddos in a corner or on some sort of special timeout mat? Do you keep them there yourselves? How long do you keep them there (I've heard a minute for each year)? Do you talk to them while they are in timeout (some of my friends use the timeout to explain to them why they are in timeout in the first place)? Do you ignore them (an equal number of friends do this)? Enquiring minds want to know! Currently, I do a "guided" timeout with Will, where I sit him down facing me, make eye contact and tell him that he made a "bad decision" and then make him sit for about a minute. I am not sure it's that effective, so please lend me your discipline strategies.

Wow, this was fun! You, too, can join the fun! Go see Danifred and find out more!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Drunken Santa

That's right, I said Drunken Santa.

Two weeks ago, we visited my MIL and she was dying to take Will to see Santa. We were unprepared for this impromptu Santa trip, so he was dressed in play clothes, rather than the usual finery I would prefer. I was also not dressed for the occasion, having only decided last minute to join M and Will on their trip, and not even wearing makeup. But I figured, what the hey, we need to get a Santa picture this year and it will make my MIL happy.

We are used to pretty fancy-dancy Santas here in our area. It's usually a rather professional set up, complete with a digital viewing of your pictures and printouts and CD ready to take on the spot. Well, this was in the basement of an oldie-but-goodie kids toy store, and it was less-than-professional.

First off, you couldn't see the pictures before ordering them. And I am positive it was not a good picture. I was in it, Will was crying, and well, I just have no hope for the pictures. But I also feel badly when you take up someone's time and then not buy the pictures. They had no CDs available, couldn't take credit cards (we barely had enough cash), and didn't give receipts. It's been two weeks (we were supposed to get the pictures within a week) and we haven't heard a thing. I figure we just made a nice donation to their fund. Tis the season, right?

But the part that, shall we say, reeked of unprofessionalism? Santa himself.

The jolly old man was decidedly jolly, all right, and reeked of the liquor that had put him in such good. . . uh, spirits. The good news is that he didn't seem to mind Will's reluctance to sit on his lap and even eagerly invited me to sit on his knee. The bad news? He told Will that he would bring him coal for Christmas since he'd been a naughty boy. Coal?! Naughty boy?! Now, I know he probably didn't understand a word, but what kind of Santa tells a kid that he is naughty and is getting coal? And, for the record, although he didn't want to sit on Santa's lap by himself, he wasn't naughty and actually waved goodbye to Santa when it was all done and told him "tank you."

Fortunately, we have the picture from yesterday to make up for it! I present to you our Christmas 2009 Santa Picture. . . pay no attention to the knee behind the curtain!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Santa and Noodles

Not much to update. Sludge seems to be gone. My OB remains unconcerned. At this point, there will be no exam, blood tests, or ultrasounds. I suppose I could have pushed it more, but they seem "okay" with everything and it would have been difficult for M to get off of work. I certainly didn't want to go alone, so there you have it. Thank you for checking in and waiting with me. These next few weeks will hopefully go by quickly and it will be time for our next ultrasound before we know it.

I had a "good" day of morning sickness today, which means that lunch actually stayed down. Of course, that makes me nervous, but I do remember that from my pregnancy with Will. There are just days that are better than others, and I have to learn to enjoy and take advantage of them. This was the first meal I had kept down in a long time.

I took Will to see Santa today. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience. I had thought that it would involve a lot of crying on his part, but they actually had a little stool for me to sit on, so Will could sit "next" to Santa. I was out of the picture (well, you can see my knee under him in the picture) and it looks as if he is sitting on the arm of the chair with Santa leaning in. As a result of this system (and the help of an inventive photographer and an Elmo doll), Will is actually smiling in his Santa picture. The only weird thing about it is that they didn't give you the CD right there of the picture. You have to e-mail for it and wait 24 hours. As I am already kind of "waiting til the last" on this one, I was a little disappointed, but our cards just might be New Year's cards this year. Oh, well, I doubt anyone's holiday is hinging on our card arriving in the mail!

You also have to purchase at least one print (which they do right there) to get the image and, of course, they charge a lot for the one picture, but. . . well, I think it's worth it. You only get one chance per year at this and I know we'll treasure this one in the years to come. I already have the picture framed and on display. It's pretty cute.

When we got home, Will was very hungry. This is where the footage from the above macaroni and cheesepalooza came from. He must have decided that this was the faster way to eat! Who needs a fork? That's my boy!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


That describes both how I feel and what the spotting looks like today.

I continue to feel awful, which most people would consider a good sign. I was this sick, if not sicker, with Gummy Bear, and we all know how that turned out. However, I do think it's a good sign most of the time.

The spotting was red and pink yesterday, but has slowed to a brownish sludge that really only shows up when I look for it. That is good news, I think, although I would feel better if it would just go away altogether.

I still have so much to do before Christmas. We celebrate with M's family this weekend and I finally have everything purchased, but nothing wrapped. I will probably just do gift bags, as that is decidedly easier and I have a bunch already. They are the "already been used for six Christmases" variety, so wrinkled and faded, but they will do. It's the thought that counts, right?

Thank you for the comments and advice. I really appreciate it all.

Monday, December 14, 2009


As if I didn't feel bad enough about complaining on an infertility blog.

I'm spotting.

Reddish, pinkish streaky spotting.

*Updated: My OB's office wants to take a "wait and see" approach until Wednesday. They want a week between ultrsounds to assess growth and development. If I am no longer spotting by Wednesday, it's business as usual. If I am, then we'll schedule an ultrasound. If I start cramping or the bleeding increases dramatically, I have to call back.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I hate writing an entry like this. I feel guilty writing an entry like this. But it's what I am feeling and it's real.

I feel overwhelmed. I am sick. Even with my Zofran and phenergan combo, I am still nauseous all day. I can only occasionally keep food down. I have lost at least five pounds, probably more. I am hungry, but nothing sounds good, even when I manage to find something that does appeal, it usually won't stay put. I am lightheaded from lack of nutrition, feel dizzy most of the time. I am keeping some fluids down, and I know that is what really matters, but it is still frustrating.

I am exhausted. I could sleep all of the time, except I can't sleep all of the time. Will needs me.

Christmas crap is everywhere in our house, well, everywhere except where it should be. The spare bedroom has a pile of gifts (though not all of the gifts we'll need, I still need to do some shopping) that need wrapping, a pile of wrapping paper and bows that need to be put on gifts. The tree is up, but the box of ornaments just sits next to it. My nativity scene is out. . . in boxes on the floor. The table I usually put it on is no longer in our house, so I don't know where to put it. I don't have the energy to unpack it all, anyway. The stockings are hung at least. But nothing is in them.

Dishes are piled in the sink. Laundry is heaped in the hamper. The two loads that I have managed to wash and fold are still sitting in piles on the kitchen table. Vacuum? What's that?

My sister-in-law (who does not know that I am pregnant as we have not told our families) is supposed to come on Tuesday. She is an immaculate housekeeper. I shudder to think of her seeing the house as it is. I shudder even more to think about finding the energy needed to clean it.

Between (trying my best to) keeping up with Will, hanging my head over a toilet, attempting (and mostly failing) to keep something down, I am falling behind on everything else. I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I am failing Will. I lay on the playroom floor, a bucket next to my head, and listlessly help him stack blocks or push a toy car on the floor. I gag as I read his beloved stories. I feel as if I am failing M, as he warms up his fifth frozen pizza in a row and pushes through the laundry basket in desperate hope of some clean boxers. I feel as if I am failing this new baby, as my excitement for the pregnancy wars with my fears it measuring too small. I wonder how I will handle it all once the baby is here, when I can't even handle this very well right now.

I am thankful to be pregnant, and I am trying to take it one day. . . no, that's too much, one hour at at a time. I am eager for the second trimester, for the ease of mind for it will bring, for the ease of this unrelenting sickness.

In the meantime, this is tough. I am overwhelmed.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Then and Now

Last year at this time, I had a fourteen week old baby. He had just started sleeping a respectable stretch of time through the night (6 - 7 hours) compared to the every 1 - 2 hour wake ups we had been having. I was just starting to settle into motherhood. Looking back on the early newborn days with Will, I would say that I definitely had some postpartum depression issues. I think they are fairly common and I did not get on any medications, because I thought I was "fine" at the time. And while I was "fine" by definition, in that I wasn't going to hurt myself or the baby, I definitely had a rough time in the first 8 - 10 weeks after he was born and I wasn't really "fine" at all.

I look back on posts from the newborn days and it is really sad how I focused on scheduling Will and getting him to sleep and eat when I thought he should. I know it all came from a desire to do everything right, to start things off perfectly, to be the mom he deserved me to be. I also think it came from the post partum depression. Within a few short weeks, I had stopped working, had a baby via an unexpected c-section, my mom had a nervous breakdown, and I experienced the shift in hormones that every post-partum woman has. Everything seemed out of control and my old life gone forever. Not that I wanted my old life back, but I needed a touchstone of sorts. I have always been a schedule person, your typical type-A.

I figured that if I could just get some semblance of order to my life, just offer Will stability and structure, just. . . Well, looking back on it, it was a lot more about getting stability and structure for both of us.

I was extremely anxious, unable to sleep or settle down, desperate to organize things (I remember folding laundry obsessively, and that is so not me). I was sad, too, but it was more of a desperate feeling of quiet panic. I remember I would cry at night when M came home and was holding the baby, who had finally stopped crying, and I was frustrated because I couldn't get him to stop. Then, when I learned a certain way that he liked to be held, with a firm pat on the back and shhhhhing in his ear, I wouldn't let anyone else hold him if he was crying, even M, because his cries would pierce my heart and my anxiety would rise. Everything made me anxious.

I remember the night that my anxiety really peaked. I was changing Will's diaper and he looked at me with those newborn eyes, so filled with trust, and instead of feeling an "awwwwwww" moment, I felt nothing but pure panic. I had no idea how to really care for this tiny human. I mean, yes, I could address his basic needs such as food and shelter, but I couldn't help him sleep, couldn't stop him from feeling pain, couldn't soothe him when the gas pains made him cry for hours. I think that every new parent feels this way, but through the shroud of post partum issues, it feels like a death sentence. To have this perfect creation and not be able to do right by it. . . well, you feel like crap.

I was in a gray area where medication probably should at least have been a consideration for me. I did get through it without medications, but I also think that it could have been easier for everyone if I had taken some. Like other moms that have described their post-partum depression, I felt guilty and ashamed, especially after all that we had been through. I felt as if my life should be sunshine and roses and that it was my fault that it wasn't. I didn't really talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I am good at faking being okay, so I don't think anyone really knew how anxious I was, how overwhelmed.

At the time, I was proud of myself for "toughing" it out, but looking back on it, I wish I had gone a different route. Now that I am pregnant again, I am planning on behing a lot more honest. And that starts with talking with my OB about it now. Because I know me. I know I will probably try to play "SuperNewMomofTwoUnderTwoAndWhyWouldIBeAnythingButHappy" again. Right now, when I am not in the middle of the post-partum issues is the best time to address it.

Not that I want a situation where I will be "forced" to take medication and not that I am expecting that this will happen again. But I want to be more prepared for these feelings and have a better plan for addressing them, and that might (not necessarily) include medication. Last time, I had tacked up a list of postpartum depression "signs" to watch for. I had almost every single one (this list was specific to postpartum depression, not postpartum psychosis, which is far more serious and can include thoughts of harming or actually attempting to harm your baby or yourself) and yet I didn't reach out for help.

I also am posting this here so that if you notice any symptoms even through my writing, I ask that, as my friends, you send a gentle e-mail or even call me out with a loving comment. I think the problem for so many women is that they think it is just happening to them, so then they feel "weak" or "strange." Admitting you have a problem might be the first step to healing, but talking about it is just as important.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Waiting IS the Hardest Part

First off, thank you for the love, support, and encouraging comments. I really appreciate it. The wind was a bit out of my sails last night and it helps to have you all rooting for us and this little baby. What I have to keep focused on, what I must remember, is that there is a little beating heart inside of me right now and that little life depends on me to keep positive and to try to not be so stressed about things.

My OB's office called back this morning and after reviewing the results himself, Dr. S is really not concerned. He feels that any measurements within a week of the estimated gestational age are okay, especially at this early stage. We are scheduled for another ultrasound on January 5th, when I will be 11 weeks, 2 days pregnant (by my dates). It is tough to think about waiting so long to check in on things, but honestly, I am not sure how much better I would have felt having an ultrasound at 9 weeks, even if the baby looked good. Gummy Bear looked great at 9 weeks and still died, so I probably won't feel 100% okay until we are safely out of the first trimester, regardless of another ultrasound in the middle.

So, again, we wait.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Well. . .

I am not trying to be a tease with the title. That is truly the best word to describe our ultrasound today.

Okay, so first things first. We have a heartbeat. 120 BPM.

That's good.

But the not so great news is that the baby is measuring behind. Anywhere from 6 weeks, 1 day to 6 weeks, 4 days. I am 7 weeks, 2 days if my dates are correct. But what makes me think that my dates are correct is that the sac measured at 7 weeks, 2 days. Plus, I know when I ovulated, I know when we did the deed, so we are 7 weeks, 2 days according to that.

That heartbeat is fine for the size of the baby, but a little slower than we'd like to see in a 7 week, 2 day baby. But again, it's perfectly respectable for a six weeker. The ultrasound tech and radiologist cleared us to leave with a big thumbs up.

Dr. S's office called about an hour later and asked me to call them in the morning so we can review the ultrasound results. The nurse said "not to worry," but they would like to schedule us for a follow up ultrasound in two weeks just to make sure everything still looks okay.

Well. . .

The bright side? There is a heartbeat. It's in the very low normal range, but still normal. On the best measurements from today, we are only five days off in growth. That's within the range of normal, especially with an early ultrasound.

The not so bright side? I felt a vague sense of deja vu with my pregnancy with Gummy Bear. Measuring behind, heartbeat "okay," but not what we were hoping for/expecting.

M has decided to look on the bright side. I am trying to do the same, but to be completely honest, I am feeling a little scared and sad. I don't really want to play this game again, but I guess it's what us subfertiles must do.

Well . . .

The Defining Moment

I just got nervous about fifteen minutes ago. I have been so distracted with feeling sick and taking care of Will that I just haven't really had the time to be nervous.

But the time is upon us. We are leaving in about a half hour for the ultrasound.

So many thoughts are crowding into my head and my heart. I alternate visions of an empty uterus of death with visions of a little blob with a flash in the middle. I can't seem to settle on either for more than a few seconds. I find myself hugging Will a bit tighter these days, simply because he is so cute, and also because these early days are reminding me again of what a true miracle he is.

Of course, I will post an update as soon as I can. Thank you for your thoughts.

Please don't forget to check out the cross-pollination post below.

Cross Pollination 2009

Welcome to the Great Blog Cross Pollination of 2009!

Here's how to play!

1) Read this guest blog post.

2) Can you guess the author?

3) Leave a comment with your guess (no cheating. . . it's just a game).

4) Once you've put your guess in, go ahead and click over to the blog to see if you were right!

Such fun! Thanks again to Geohde, over at Mission Impossible, for hosting this wonderful event!
Now, without further ado, today's Cross Pollination Blogger Post. . .
I was reading a post by Kym the other day where she talked about "passport children" and how for those of us who were either infertile or have had recurrent losses the living children we have are our passport into the fertile world. That's the world where people plan their children so they have birthdays at the begining of the school year. Where a decision to try for a baby means a baby is created max three months down the line and at that point it is safe to go tell everyone and buy nursery gear. Where it is a given that the number of children you have and their spacing is a deliberate choice. Where detailed knowledge of transvaginal scan procedures and how to inject yourself anywhere from the torso to the thigh is not necessary. Where - I could go on for pages in this vein - but you get the picture.
Anyhow the post said a lot of the things that I felt as well but then I got to thinking isn't it about time I stopped feeling like this? I have two lovely children (spaced a fertile world style 3 years apart to the week thanks to those failsafe great planning techniques of a few ivf cycles and a miscarriage) a third hopefully safely en route. To all intents and purposes I have leave to remain/a green card (depending on which side of the Atlantic you are) in the fertile world. Look come on I am now that annoying woman who conceived naturally at 42 and seems to be having a successful pregnancy - quickly reaching for the copious quantities of wooden coffee tables, lamps etc in close proximity - lets keep quiet about the further miscarriages in between.
Maybe I should suck it up and move along. It's hard though because it still bloody rankles when it's easy for other people. On balance though I think the anger is marginally better than the overwhelming sadneses the whole business used to engender. I wonder how much time, energy and life I have wasted on this? Too much? Almost certainly. Would it have been easier just to be public about the whole thing and to suffer in silence? Would it have made any difference to the kids if the world knew about their start in a petri dish? Should I just have got over the fact that I thought they and me and the husband would be pitied for our failings to be a real part of the fertile world? Maybe. Maybe not. Do I really need to add regret to anger and sadness of the way we had to travel to get to where we are? I think not. I think now I need to grab that stamp in the passport or that green card - which isn't even bloody green you know - and enter that other world as if we all belonged there all along. And in a spirit of multi-culturalism try and do a bit to make it so that for those coming along behind the whole passport issue just isn't such a big deal anymore because we all finally get to belong however we get to build our familes.
Enough of the maudlin introspection though - serves me right for x-polling whilst watching a Joan Baez documentary. And thank you for letting me take over this space for a day.
You are so welcome, Mystery Guest Blogger. And may I just say what a great post that was!
Now, dear readers, can you guess who this post belongs to? Make your guesses, leave a comment, and go on over to see if you were right. Oh, and that's where you'll find MY post for today!

Monday, December 7, 2009


I have now been unable to keep solid foods down since Saturday. I will probably have to go get IV fluids tonight after M gets home since liquids haven't been staying down today, either.

I took a leftover phenergan from my pregnancy with Will and it made me very tired, but didn't really quell the nausea. This kind of scared me, since it worked like a charm before.

Ultrasound is Wednesday at 3:45 PM. A healthy heartbeat will make this all worth it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Whether you have followed her story or not, please go leave a comment for Cece and her family. They need a lot of love right now.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Queasy Monsters Have Arrived

Will has a book called "Birthday Monsters," by Sandra Boynton. It's about five birthday monsters who barge in on your birthday and basically treat you like crap. At the end of the book, a Monster Cleaning Crew comes in and and takes care of everything and presents are left behind.
I feel that morning sickness is kind of like those birthday monsters, only my little guests are the Queasy Monsters. They barge in and make me feel like crap.

I am grateful to feel like crap. I know that feeling like crap is something that a lot of women would kill for if it meant a healthy baby. But it is still hard to feel sick and manage a toddler, just as it was hard to feel sick and work outside the home last time I was pregnant. The only difference is that Will is obviously a 24/7 job that gives no evenings or weekends. When I was having a really awful day, I could also call in sick. There is no calling in sick to motherhood.

It still does come and go through out the day. Sometimes, I feel okay, sometimes, I am looking to make sure the path to the bathroom is clear. I alternate between being really hungry, but nothing sounds good to being full on nauseous. I feel as if this is starting a bit earlier this time than with Will. I didn't really start to get the sick feeling until later on in week six and more like early week seven and I have the blog posts to prove it. I don't know if that means anything regarding gender or prognosis of the pregnancy. I have been pretty sick in all of my pregnancy and was actually the most sick with Gummy Bear and I have had friends who felt different in each pregnancy and had a boy or girl both times. So, I don't necessarily believe in the wives' tales of sick mom = healthy pregnancy or sick mom = either gender. What I do think is that in general, it is a good sign. And I will stick with that for now. I suppose if you have to feel crappy, it should be for a good reason, right?

Like the Birthday Monsters, who eventually do leave behind nice gifts for your birthday, the Queasy Monsters do leave behind a pretty nice gift, too, in the form of a baby. So for that reason, I "welcome" my new friends. Remind me of that in the coming days, won't you, please?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Kindness of Strangers

I have been thinking a lot about the holidays this year. I think about how blessed I am right now, with our son who lights up my life, my husband who works so hard for our family, our home, our furbabies, and of course, the newest little one seemingly chugging away inside of me. I really do not know what I did to be this lucky.

I do remember that I did not always feel this way. I remember the Christmas right after Gummy Bear died, when I thought I would never be truly happy or feel blessed again. I sat at my parents' dining table that Christmas, in the exact same chair where I had sat that past Thanksgiving, nine weeks pregnant and filled with hope. Only as I sat there now, barely a month later, I was devoid of any happiness. I pasted a fake smile on my face, for the benefit of my family, so I would not steal their joy along with what had already been stolen from me.

I kept that smile pasted on for so long that there were times that I almost forgot it was fake. I kept on my mask, hiding my grief from the world, so I would not burden others with my pain.

Today, something happened that reminded me so starkly of those days of hidden sorrows. I was at the grocery store with Will and we were in a hurry. I had a cart filled with groceries, he was starting to get grumpy, and I was eager to get out of there and home for his nap. As we approached the register, another lady got there about a fraction of a second after me. It was basically a tie, but I could have taken the front place if I had wanted to. I almost did.

Then, I looked at her cart and realized that it didn't have very much in it and that the nice thing to do would be to just let her go first. So, I nodded, indicating she should go ahead and she did, casting a grateful glance back at me as she unloaded her few things on to the conveyor belt.

"Thank you," she said, smiling at me. "Your son is adorable."

And he was being extra cute. He had stopped his grumpiness for the time being and was flirting in the best of Will-styles. She played peek-a-boo with him while we waited.

She told me about her own son, and how Will reminded her of him at his age. Then a strange look, a shadow, crossed over her face.

"My son died two weeks ago. I am just bringing these things to my daughter-in-law. She is pregnant and due next Friday. She is having a rough time. I am hoping she'll eat something, anything."

My heart constricted in my chest as I expressed my sympathies. She dabbed quickly at her eyes, thanked me, and then cleared her throat. To look at this woman, you would never have guessed that her world had crumbled. She was well-dressed and manicured, and the haunted eyes had only come out for a few seconds. She was already retreating back behind her mask, playing peek -a-boo again with Will. . . and the rest of the world, too.

I am not glad for this woman. I am so sorry for her loss and for the pain she is experiencing. What I am grateful for, however, is the reminder that she provided me.

I will pass many, many people this holiday season and beyond. I will not know their stories, not have a clue what lies behind their smiles. It may be that they are feeling genuinely happy and blessed at this moment in time, or it may be that they are wearing a mask that I won't ever get to see behind. It reminds me to be kind with everyone because I don't know their story. I don't know what their real feelings are, what they are grappling with underneath their outward appearance. Everyone has their own road to travel, their own pain and triumphs. We may never know what a stranger is facing, but we should strive to never make their obstacles any greater.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Six Weeks

I don't make it to week six very often. Most of our losses are of the chemical nature, and happen in week 4 or 5. Week Six is a good thing. This is only my fourth time at week six. I am feeling pregnant now. I am hungry, but nothing sounds good. I feel vague moments of queasiness. I am tired. My breasts are so very tender. This is very different from my pregnancy with Will. I didn't really have sore breasts with him. This time. . . ouch, I can't even sleep without a bra.

In the spirit of my "Act As If" Campaign, I have put the little widget up there to the left. I am a little nervous about it and have almost taken it down 1.4 million times in the last five minutes.

But it will stay there until I have this baby in July.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Need a Fix for BBQ Cravings?

I am going to try and post a recipe every week. The common theme will be family-friendly meals that don't cost a lot. Most of them will require very little work or time. This one is a well-worth it exception. These actually do not take a lot of work. They do, however, take time. This is a great Sunday afternoon meal when you will just be hanging around the house. You don't really have to babysit these, just watch a timer and give 'em a little love. I also love and appreciate any recipes back. I am always looking to add to my cookbook. Oh, and yes, I have made copies of the book which is now in our safe!

• 4 lbs Boneless Pork Ribs (I have used the country style bone-in as well)
• 1/4 Cup Brown Sugar s
• Paprika and pepper (to taste - leave this off if you don't like spicy)
• 1 Bottle of Your Favorite BBQ Sauce (I actually make my own from this site)
1 can of coke (or the same amount of water - Coke tenderizes it, but also adds sugar)

1. Mix, salt and brown sugar and place in a pie plate, set aside.
2. Double Foil a 13x 9 or larger pan.
3. Rub ribs in salt and sugar mixture then place in pan.
4. Sprinkle Ribs with Paprika.
5. Add enough water to pan to cover Ribs half way or 1 inch.
6. Bake in 250*F oven for 2 hours, then add one can of coke to pan, turn heat up to 300*F and turn Ribs and Bake 2 hrs more.
7. Drain liquid out of pan and then cover Ribs with BBQ sauce.
8. Bake 1/2 hour longer, then serve.

These were fork tender, but I did have to bake for a little longer (probably closer to 5 hours total in the oven instead of the 4 listed here). I have served these ribs on several occasions and get rave reviews. I also have a crock pot rib recipe, which is a lot easier, but has more of a pot roast consistency. I like making it when I can't be home all day. I'll post that one and an alternative country mushroom rib recipe next week.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

What Would YOU Do?

M and I will be celebrating 10 years since we started dating this Thursday. TEN YEARS. Unbelievable.

Back in September, before separation anxiety had reared its ugly head, we booked spots for our dogs at the kennel and made reservations for ourselves at our favorite hotel (which is in the same town as my MIL). We asked my MIL to watch Will for one night so we could get away to celebrate.

In September, he spent a night with his grandma and LOVED it. I saw video from that stay and he had an amazing time. He was glad to come home, but I don't really think he missed us at all while he was away. It was incredibly freeing to know he was in good hands and also have a night to ourselves. My MIL offered - and we gladly accepted - to make it a monthly occurrence.

In October, we tried again. . . with disastrous results. I drove the hour up there, set up everything (pack n play, booster, changing area), and left him as he screamed and turned purple with rage. I cried as I got into the car, but was convinced he would be okay in a few minutes. Half way home, my MIL called me, in tears himself. Will had made himself throw up and she took his temperature and it was 101.6. I could hear him still screaming in the background. She wanted me to come back and get him. I hurried back, had to pack everything back up, while Will alternatively clung to me or sobbed as my MIL held him and I packed. When I got him home, I took his temperature - normal. The little buggar was so upset that he gave himself that temperature. It was a bad night.

We didn't try in November, but when we walked into my MIL's house on Thanksgiving, he started screaming. It took him a few minutes to calm down and even then, he was clingy and upset the entire two hours we were there. Neither of us could leave the room for even a second without him freaking out. He would have nothing to do with my MIL. We went over to my husband's aunt's house for the actual dinner itself, and he was fine there. He made himself at home, toddled all around, and went to everyone . . . but my poor MIL. He just seems to associate my MIL's house and my MIL herself with being left. This obviously upsets both my MIL and his great-grandma, who love this little boy desperately and would adore having him there whenever we were willing. They LIVE for time with this child.

So, next weekend is our proposed time away. The plan is (was?) to leave him Saturday morning and return Sunday morning. We would be gone for about 24 hours. I was really looking forward to it, M was really looking forward to it. My MIL was looking forward to having him.

I don't want to be selfish. Most of me feels as if this is just a temporary phase. He will not be this little or this attached to us forever. There will be a time that will come only too soon when he doesn't want to be with us. Part of me feels as if we just should change our plans and celebrate our anniversary with him.

The other part of me wonders if I am not just coddling and babying him too much. M is more of this school of thought and worries that we are creating a "Mama's Boy" and that it's not healthy. He also feels that we need some time together to just relax and hang out, which is true.

The other small piece of this is that I don't want my MIL to feel like the "bad" one that he seems to be associating her as. That's not fair to her. She is a kick-@ss grandma that anyone would be blessed to call their own.

I am going to ask our pediatrician when we are at Will's 15 month Well Baby check on Tuesday, but I am also to hear what other moms (and dads, too!) have done in similar situations. I don't want to exacerbate his fears of being left, but I also don't want to hinder his development. What would you do - or what have you done?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Lost Treasures

I had a mini-panic attack this afternoon.

You see, I am "famous" for my green bean casserole. I know what you are thinking, it's green bean casserole, how can you be famous for that?

Well, first off, I have the old school recipe, which calls for a "secret" ingredient: worcestershire sauce. Most recipes don't have anything but the soup, green beans, and fried onions and if they do add anything it's soy sauce, which adds the salty element, but not the same richness and depth of flavor. Some recipes leave out the milk and pepper, too. I once saw one recipe that called for water instead of the milk - gasp!

My recipe is a dog-eared copy that my mother gifted to me when I moved out into my own apartment. She made me a recipe book filled with my favorite recipes and to give it that extra "homey" feeling, she included the original cards, most of which were from her mom or grandma or even great-grandma, and made copies for herself. My grandma also decided to add to the collection and every time she writes me a letter, she includes a "new" recipe. So, it's grown pretty large over the years, with me also adding in some of my favorites.

In addition to my green bean casserole being an older recipe, I also made a "mistake" a few years back. I baked the casserole at home and then put it in a warmer to take it the hour-plus drive to my mother-in-law's. It kept cooking on the drive up (the warmer keeps things very insulated). When I saw the results when we arrived, I was upset, it looked less creamy than usual, and I was sure I had ruined it. Not so. Everyone was diving into that casserole with a vengeance that year. It was creamier, richer. . . just better. Technically, it was "overdone," but it worked.

So, the combination of the two has won me accolades. My casserole is requested at every single family dinner where a green bean casserole would be appropriate . . . and even a few where it might not really fit the menu, but still tastes great.

Today, I got out all of the ingredients for the casserole and reached into the cupboard for my recipe book. And it was missing. Missing.

I looked everywhere that a recipe book might be (and in my not-so-very-organized kitchen that could be a lot of places). As I continued to search, I kept reassuring myself, it would be in the very next place that I looked.

After a half hour of serious looking, I was starting to get worried. I could probably do the recipe by heart, but the thing is, there are a lot of good recipes in there that I don't want to lose. My dad's famous homemade hot fudge sauce that my friend once told me she would marry me for (and I don't think she was kidding), my great-grandma's Swedish white brownies (that have never failed to create a sensation at any event I have brought them to), my mom's apple dapple cake (an easy, beautiful cake that has people begging for the recipe every. single. time) . . . Most of these I do have memorized, but still. They are in my mom's or grandma's or great-grandma's or even great-great-grandma's handwriting! There are thirteen amazing Christmas Cookie recipes in that book! I don't have all of them memorized. And what about the original See's Fudge recipe?!?!? It's not Christmas without that one!

Then, I knew what had happened to the book. And I wanted to cry.

A few weeks ago, I cleaned out some closets and cupboards and I went through my cookbook collection. I remember putting the recipe book aside. But I also remember Will distracting me in the middle of my project and M coming in to finish it. I remember him asking about a few cookbooks, that I just glanced at and said, "Sure, toss 'em in the pile."

That pile went to Goodwill two weeks ago.

To me, a huge part of the holiday season is making so many of those recipes. I was crushed to think that I just threw away what is truly a piece of my family history and a labor of love from my mom and grandma to me.

I had tears in my eyes as I thought about never seeing the cramped handwriting, cramming ingredients and instructions on a pretty flowered recipe card (no plain index cards back in Grandma's day). My grandma also had recipe system with "good," "very good," and "excellent" written across the top. When I was a little girl, I asked her why there was no "bad" written across the top, and she said to me, "Honey, I don't keep the bad ones!"

There were recipes in that book that I haven't even tried yet. My grandma's latest letter included a recipe for her frozen strawberry fluff pie. I remember when we visited them when I was seven and gobbled down my first piece so quickly that it startled everyone when I was done and asking for a second piece before anyone had finished their first!

So, there I was, in tears, wondering what I was going to do. . . and what I was going to tell my mom. I would need to confess in order to get another copy of all of those recipes.

Will was clamoring to be let out of his playroom by this point, so I went and got him. He wanted to be read to. I told him to go get a book, so he did, and toddled over to me with. . . I swear, I couldn't make this up if I tried. . . my recipe book.

How it got into his book pile, I will never quite know. It's a Thanksgiving Miracle. That book will help create my holiday memories for years to come and I am thankful that it isn't lost.

I know that the holidays are not always an easy time. It can be stressful, overwhelming, and, if you are still waiting for your miracle baby, it can be incredibly sad. I remember so many holidays just trying to make it through. I do remember, however, finding even tiny moments of joy and hope, even in those desolate days. I hope those moments find you and bring you peace.

To all of you, my dear friends, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and a blessed Holiday Season 2009.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Taking Inventory

It shocks me how very few people outside of this blog know about our pregnancy.

First off, our decision to TTC was not "last minute," but it wasn't something that we struggled over for a long time. We always knew we would want to try for another baby, it was the "how" or "when" that was up for debate. We started talking specific timelines when Will turned one. We knew that, ideally, we would want our kids about two years apart, but we also weren't going to be picky. We'd take what we could get, when we could get it. Usually, when I have a big decision to make, I pick and chew at it for days, weeks, and months. I usually hem and haw and discuss the situation ad nauseum with friends. I think it's just what we girls do.

This decision wasn't like that. M and I made the decision to start TTC on our own, I ovulated a few days later, and that was it. Because it was our first month trying, I didn't even get the chance to discuss that ad nauseum. Two weeks later, I was staring at a postive pee stick (don't hate me, please).

So, unlike in previous TTC cycles, where everybody knew we were trying, and I felt like a watched pot, this cycle was so very quiet. Only one of my girlfriends knew it was even a possibility for us this month. Besides announcing it here, we really have told very few people. When I was pregnant with Will, after the IVF cycle, "telling" people was almost anti-climactic, because everyone already knew. If they didn't know, it was because they weren't friends or even acquaintences.

I have four close girlfriends that all know, but we haven't told any of our family. Two of those friends have husbands that are also friends with M, so they know. With our history, they also know that we can't be too excited until after we see a heartbeat and even that won't get me too excited. I mean, of course, I will be happy to see a heartbeat, but after losing Gummy Bear, we just know that's not a guarantee of a RLB*.

What is weird to me, most of all, is that two of my girlfriends who I was so close to when I was pregnant with Will don't have a clue. Both of them were women that helped me during the miscarriage times and both celebrated with us during our successful pregnancy. I would have called both of them "best" friends at different times in my life. And now, I barely talk to either of them, and when I do, I don't tend to get into the nitty gritty stuff, like this pregnancy.

There was no fight with these women, no drama, but we have just been drifting apart for quite some time. It makes me sad to see where our friendship has been, where it is now, and to wonder where it is going.

Reflecting on those relationships caused me to take inventory of my friendships in general. I lost a lot of friends while I battled with RPL. Some chose to step away, some I chose to step away from. When I was pregnant and things were going well, some friends came back into my life, some didn't. Since I had Will, I have lost more friends. I have also gained a lot of friends, too. Again, there has been no drama, no fighting, just a sense of different people with different purposes. I wouldn't even say that I have "lost" friends, because just when I think I might not hear from so-and-so again, the phone rings or I pick it up to make the call myself. It's just that people that once made up my friend world are now at the outskirts of it.

It brings to mind that the Reason, Season, Lifetime e-mail that circulates every once in awhile. It makes me feel a bit better to read that because I am not someone who lets go of people easily. I feel badly when a friendship fades and sometimes I try to resuscitate what should just be left to quietly pass. On the other hand, there are friends that I haven't made as much of an effort with as I should lately, and I really want to change that.

It's funny how the individual experiences in your life can make you reflect on the bigger picture, isn't it?

*Real Live Baby

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Easiest Dinner. Ever.

Okay, so technically, the easiest dinner is to call for pizza. Or chinese. Or put a frozen meal in the oven.

But if you want to serve a hot dinner that is super easy, economical, tastes really good, AND makes two meals in one, then you will want to make this.

Black Bean Crock Pot Chicken - TWO DINNERS IN ONE

8 frozen chicken breasts
1 15 oz. jar of salsa (any flavor/brand)
1 15.5 oz. can of black beans (drained)
1 15 oz. can of corn (drained)
1 8 oz. package of cream cheese

Place frozen (yes, frozen) chicken breasts in the crockpot.

Add the salsa, black beans, and corn.

Cook on HIGH for 4 - 5 hours or LOW for 6 - 8.

One half hour before cooking, toss brick of cream cheese on top and let melt in. Stir before serving.

Night One: Serve chicken breasts whole with the sauce over steamed rice, with cornbread on the side.

Night Two: Using two forks, shred chicken and mix with remaining sauce. Place in plastic baggie to either freeze or refrigerate for another meal where you can use the meat as a filling for tacos or burritos (I used mine for enchiladas).

*Here are the adjustments that I made:
I added just a dash (probably 1/8th tsp. or less) of garlic salt before I put the lid on the first time.
I also didn't like how "runny" the sauce was, so I did add a TBS. of cornstarch mixed with two tablespoons room temp water. I stirred that in about ten minutes before I added the cream cheese and it thickened it up nicely.
I only used half of the package of cream cheese and used light (not non-fat). I thought it was creamy enough and might have been "too" creamy if I had used the whole thing.
I also used frozen corn instead of canned and it worked great.

This is the cornbread recipe that I used. I thought it was better than the usual "box" mix by itself, but I still prefer making it from scratch. This was a ton easier, though, which is the name of the game with a busy toddler running around.

Will and M both enjoyed this. The chicken was very tender and it wasn't too spicy because I used a medium salsa and the beans, corn, and cream cheese tempered it. You could definitely use a spicier salsa and I might even add a dash or two of cayenne pepper if I wasn't serving a toddler. Olives might be a nice touch, too, or some diced mild green chiles. If you don't like spicy at all, use a mild salsa and you'll be just fine!

Also, to make serving this even easier, I make large batches of rice and then freeze the extra in quart sized freezer bags. I put a 1/2 tsp of olive oil in the bag and then shake before freezing. This helps the rice when you thaw it out to be moist instead of dry. It took me less than five minutes (including getting out the crockpot and all ingredients) to put this meal together and it was a definite hit!

Please share any of your latest favorites! I am especially fond of quick, easy, and inexpensive, but I also don't mind putting in extra time and effort for an especially good meal. Speaking of which, remind me to share my favorite boneless BBQ rib recipe with you soon. Time consuming, but easy, and so good.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Normal OB Patient

I remember the first time that I was pregnant. I was shocked, shocked, shocked when they said that they didn't want to see me until 8 weeks and even more shocked, shocked, shocked that there would be no ultrasound until 11 weeks. ELEVEN.

Well, we all know that it ended up being irrelevant what week they wanted to see me at, because I lost the baby long before the 11th week came up. Or the 8th for that matter. Which is probably why the don't schedule people for ultrasounds any earlier, now that I come to think of it.

When I was pregnant with Will, I thought waiting until 6 weeks, 2 days for our first ultrasound was torture. This morning, I called my OB's office. I explained my situation and requested an early ultrasound.

Nope, no way. My first ultrasound will be on January 5, 2010.

Apparently, my OB is way overbooked and understaffed, and because I delivered a healthy baby, I am now considered a "normal" OB patient.

I know, that's great. Right? Right.

I still don't feel normal, I still feel very scared. I know seeing the baby on ultrasound guarantees nothing, even if we see a healthy heartbeat, it doesn't mean that we will have a healthy baby. I learned that lesson the hard way, when Gummy Bear died. I know that things can still happen, but a quick little peek would have helped rest my worries just a tiny bit.

Well, here's to being normal. . . and to January 5. I guess it will come sooner than I think?

Edited: There is a reason why I love my OB. . . a few minutes ago, his nurse called to congratulate me personally AND schedule me for an early ultrasound on December 9 at 3:30PM. I will be 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant then. We should see a heartbeat and know more about the health of this pregnancy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

As If

Well, no spotting or anything out of the norm to report. I have had some mild cramping here and there and I am definitely more tired than usual. Although that could be due to the fact that I am running on a sleep deficit, rather than early pregnancy.

M and I have decided to treat this pregnancy "as if."

As if. . .

...we don't have the history we do.

...this is the "lucky" less than 25% shot that Dr. M told us we had at conceiving and sustaining a pregnancy on our own.

...come mid to late July of next year, we will have two children!

We have not told any family, we have only told three close friends that we know will be there for us if our "as ifs" end up not working.

I POAS'd this morning, because that's usually my first sign of impending miscarriage: pee sticks that fade. The second line came up immediately and is strong and dark.

I will be calling my OB today, and trying to schedule my first appointment. I'd love if we could have an ultrasound at maybe the 7 week mark and not have to wait until 11 or 12 weeks to have a peek.

I am trying to maintain my as if attitude and not ask for a ticket to the Beta Hell Ride. It's hard not knowing how everything is going, but I have learned only too well how cruel that game can be, offering either false hope or a rocky series of ups and downs. Even with Will, we had a wonky series of betas, and he obviously turned out just fine.

Speaking of my Little Man, he is sleeping much better. I took him to the pediatrician's office on Friday. After doing the modified CIO on Thursday, I was wracked with guilt over the possibility that he had an ear infection or some other medical issue that was interrupting his sleep. Though I do believe in the value of CIO, I don't believe in doing it on sick kiddos.

He has another sinus infection. Yuck. This is his fourth one in fifteen months. I feel that is a lot and his pediatrician agreed. She said there could be a bunch of underlying reasons, allergies or a structural issue with his sinus cavities or nasal passages. Or both. The only way to tell for sure is to get a CT scan and more blood/skin tests, so we have been referred to a pediatric ENT and back to our pediatric allergist. I am not so sure I am eager to return to the allergist. We did that when he was 9 months, over his milk sensitivity. The allergist basically told me at that point that skin and blood tests are usless prior to 24 months when it comes to definitively making a diagnosis of allergy. I guess it just seemed like a waste of time back then (why draw blood and poke at him if the answer won't really matter anyway) and it seems kind of the same now. But I am eager to get to the bottom of the issue. In addition to a lot of sinus and ear infections, he also snores quite a bit, which is not normal for a toddler. The visit to the ENT will sort out all of that, so I have scheduled that appointment first.

Even with the sinus infection, the pediatrician advised that we continue our modified CIO. She agreed with me that after so many nights, it was probably more of a habit and would be easier to break sooner rather than later.

Thursday was the worst night, by far, the longest he has ever CIO. It actually brings tears to my eyes to think of it. Friday was much better, with only maybe 20 minutes of crying that still broke my heart, but my resolve was a little stronger after our visit with his doctor. It also was stronger when he "only" cried for 20 minutes and we were rewarded with blessed silence. Saturday night and last night, we have heard only a whimper or two from the nursery. Neither M or I have actually had to get up to check on him. It has been very nice.

CIO is so traumatic and I think it is my least favorite part of parenting. Well, maybe guilt in general is my least favorite part of parenting. The pitfall of guilt is everwhere, even in my as-if pregnancy. I am thinking mostly about how everything will affect Will. If I am very sick in my pregnancy, will he suffer from lack of attention? If I am distracted with the new baby (which I most certainly will be), will he suffer? Will he be jealous? Are we ruining his little life? I wasn't really expecting these feelings, though I am told they are normal. I do worry that I can't possibly love another baby the way that I love my Little Man.