Sunday, December 13, 2009

Overwhelmed

I hate writing an entry like this. I feel guilty writing an entry like this. But it's what I am feeling and it's real.

I feel overwhelmed. I am sick. Even with my Zofran and phenergan combo, I am still nauseous all day. I can only occasionally keep food down. I have lost at least five pounds, probably more. I am hungry, but nothing sounds good, even when I manage to find something that does appeal, it usually won't stay put. I am lightheaded from lack of nutrition, feel dizzy most of the time. I am keeping some fluids down, and I know that is what really matters, but it is still frustrating.

I am exhausted. I could sleep all of the time, except I can't sleep all of the time. Will needs me.

Christmas crap is everywhere in our house, well, everywhere except where it should be. The spare bedroom has a pile of gifts (though not all of the gifts we'll need, I still need to do some shopping) that need wrapping, a pile of wrapping paper and bows that need to be put on gifts. The tree is up, but the box of ornaments just sits next to it. My nativity scene is out. . . in boxes on the floor. The table I usually put it on is no longer in our house, so I don't know where to put it. I don't have the energy to unpack it all, anyway. The stockings are hung at least. But nothing is in them.

Dishes are piled in the sink. Laundry is heaped in the hamper. The two loads that I have managed to wash and fold are still sitting in piles on the kitchen table. Vacuum? What's that?

My sister-in-law (who does not know that I am pregnant as we have not told our families) is supposed to come on Tuesday. She is an immaculate housekeeper. I shudder to think of her seeing the house as it is. I shudder even more to think about finding the energy needed to clean it.

Between (trying my best to) keeping up with Will, hanging my head over a toilet, attempting (and mostly failing) to keep something down, I am falling behind on everything else. I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I am failing Will. I lay on the playroom floor, a bucket next to my head, and listlessly help him stack blocks or push a toy car on the floor. I gag as I read his beloved stories. I feel as if I am failing M, as he warms up his fifth frozen pizza in a row and pushes through the laundry basket in desperate hope of some clean boxers. I feel as if I am failing this new baby, as my excitement for the pregnancy wars with my fears it measuring too small. I wonder how I will handle it all once the baby is here, when I can't even handle this very well right now.

I am thankful to be pregnant, and I am trying to take it one day. . . no, that's too much, one hour at at a time. I am eager for the second trimester, for the ease of mind for it will bring, for the ease of this unrelenting sickness.

In the meantime, this is tough. I am overwhelmed.

8 comments:

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Oh Katie! If I might be bossy for a minute...

It sounds like Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). The people I know who've had HG have done things like quit their jobs for a year to deal with each pregnancy. They have not done things like put up nativity scenes. Please cut yourself some slack and get some help, either paid or from a friend/relative who you're willing to tell about the pregnancy. And, see what things can be eliminated from the To Do list altogether. Not only do you not need to do it all right now, you shouldn't be doing it all.

Bossiness over.

Take care!

Patricia said...

Wow Katie,
I think you are beening way to hard on yourself also. Don't try to do everything as if your not pregant but try to remember you are pregant and can't do it all. I'm sure M understands and that Will will always be very proud of the good care his mom took of him.

I hope everything gets easier and that this baby and you will be healthy.

Meemaw

Debby said...

oh so sorry for how rotten you feel! and trust me - will, m and new baby all think you are amazing and don't expect you to be super woman. i say out yoursekf to the family arriving on tues so that you dont have to stress about cleaning up. she will understand.

hope this turns a corner soon!

Christy said...

It's OK for you to be overwhelmed. Really, it's OK.

It's OK for you to let things go. Really, it's OK.

It's OK for you to do what you need to do to get by. Really, it's OK.

Hang in there, and I hope you are feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

ask for some help.

Rebecca said...

(This is my first comment, but I have been a follower for quite some time)

Regarding the first comment, I quickly looked up "HG" syndrome... turns out it happens to 0.3% to 2.0% of pregnant woman. You are totally taking that statistical bullet again, Katie!

I really can't imagine how hard this must be, especially since you were this sick with Gummy Bear, and therefore can't tell yourself that horribly sick = perfect baby. It must make it really hard to not be able to assure yourself that this will be worth it in the end (as much as you and we hope and pray it will be).

I am praying for a beautiful, healthy baby. And particularly, for you to be granted strength and endurance until the second trimester, when the sickness is better and you are more confident in the health of this baby.

Ms. J said...

I was going to email you privately about this, but thought I'd share more widely in case it benefits others, too.

I am SO sorry you are feeling so crappy and sickie!!! My only good thought about it . . . perhaps it is a sign of the pregnancy indeed taking hold? (I know, could it lighten up just a little bit, though, eh?!) I didn't have any sickness whatsoever, and was totally freaked out by the absence of such symptoms.

Sister in Law . . . does she HAVE to come on Tuesday? Could you claim the flu, and thus reschedule (not sure how close she lives)? If not, could you draft a friend to come buy tonight and help you out just a lil bit? I know this may involve "telling" someone, and that's scary, though.

If you can't reschedule, here are my "fake it clean tips" -- have M take ALL dirty laundry into your laundry room (or basement) and shut the door. TIGHT.

Next, take all of the Christmas crap that hasn't been dealt with yet and toss into a room in which they door can remain shut during her visit.

Dishes . . . okay, get M to do what's in sink for now. THEN, buy some paper plates (Ch.inet, anyone?!) and use those for a few days or weeks until you are feeling better. We don't have a (gasp!) dishwasher, so I know firsthand how easy it is for this to get out of control. Also, invest in some disposable plastic cups for a while, to also help out. Yes, it costs a few pennies, and yes, the environment, yadda yadda -- but you are feeling like sh*t and need a breather, so consider this a "mental health investment." Believe me when I tell you these little things have driven down the tension level in my home many a times!!!

Will . . . sometimes I had that same guilty feeling, that I am not stimulating Lil Pumpkin sufficiently, be it when I was exhausted during the early weeks of pregnancy or now when I am finding it difficult to move around as easily. IT WILL BE OKAY, and YOUR LITTLE MAN WILL BE OKAY. There are lots of little things you can do while laying on the couch or floor to "fake it" with him, until you start to feel more like yourself again.

FOOD . . . tell M he is "power cooking" this weekend. That means he is going to grill some burgers and steaks and chicken, or make a turkey, and then you are going to keep some in fridge and others in the freezer so they can be whipped out later. He can follow the instructions on a box for side dishes (made ahead or that day) which onlytake a few minutes (rice a ro.ni, scall.oped potatoes, stuffing, for example). Or break out the box of pasta (hullo, even I can boil water), and add a yummy jar of sauce at the end (I like Ber.tolli's) for an instant meal. OR, consider asking a friend for help, again, this may involved some telling, but a good friend will understand and pinch hit for you ;o)

Christmas gifts . . . I have been doing mass wrapping, so I "get it" . . . honey, for just this year, consider el cheapo gift bags and tissue paper for everyone but Will (cause little kids need to rip open gifts). Save the wrapping paper you may have bought for next year. Send M to the dollar store and tell him to come back with tons of options for you, in all size, and a slew of white tissue paper. Nobody will think badly of you, and probably save the gift bags for their own re-wrap uses next Christmas (I got enough bags at my adoption shower that I am set for baby showers for the next 5 years, LOL).

Okay, those are my tips to help you cope.

The biggest thing you need, though, is a big heaping of empathy, of which you certainly have mine, darling :o)

Mel said...

I am so so so so sorry. :(

I was so sick with L my first trimester I remember wondering how on earth pregnant mom's with small children do it. I cannot even imagine and that is part of my thought process behind waiting a few years for another.

All I can say is that you are in my prayers and if there were anything I could possibly do for you (all the way from Dallas, Texas) I'd do it in a heart beat. Please take care of yourself.

*hugs*