Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Or. . . [insert dramatic pause - or perhaps a drumroll, your preference - here]
Way back in the very beginning on the second trimester, Dr. S's nurse and I scheduled the rest of my OB appointments for the entire pregnancy. She asked me what date I wanted for my c-section and I told her that I wanted the first date that she would be safe to take. That works out to 39 weeks, or Monday, July 19. K handwrote that date on the printed out piece of paper with the rest of my appointments.
Yesterday, K asked me when I was "deciding" on a VBAC vs. c-section. Since she and I have had many conversations about this and I have a date for my procedure, I was a little surprised. I asked her if she thought I should try for a VBAC after all (she has been staunchly pro planned c-section prior to this conversation) and she said, "Not at all, but I just think we should schedule your c-section if that's what you have decided."
For some reason, the order had never been put through and Dr. S's schedule is getting pretty filled up. Good thing that got taken care of. The order was put through and we'll get a call later on this week with the actual date.
Other than that, the onset of my swollen feet caused a bit of a weight jump this week. At 36 weeks, I have gained 29 pounds, which I know isn't off the charts, but it does mean I will gain more than I did with Will this time around. My blood pressure has leveled off, though it is still higher than it was for most of the pregnancy, but it didn't go up this week. I had trace amounts of protein in my urine, but that's normal for pregnancy. I had my Group B strep test, the "heartbeep" sounded great, and I measured 36 weeks.
So, in other words, I am a perfectly normal 9 month pregnant woman. Gotta love normal.
Edited: My girlfriend's daughter has to have a sleep study done at Children's in the next few days. The pediatrician is concerned about acid reflux but also some issues with her "resting" breaths (?). Anyway, for now, they have purchased one of these on their doctor's recommendation. I never got one because I had heard about false alarms, and kind of thought it was "over the top," but now I am highly considering getting one for Emma. Has anyone used one?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Now, I could just be too picky, but it really doesnt look like the lkitchen floors were mopped and the kitchen baseboards definitely weren't thoroughly cleaned. I still feel like I have about an hour or two of cleaning to do to get the house truly clean. Now, that being said, they were here for almost four hours (two people), so it's not as if they didn't spend the time. I just think there might be different standards of clean.
The trouble is, I am a total Monday Morning Quarterback. I am not a great cleaner myself, but I do know what good looks like. Don't you love people like that (heavy sarcasm here)? I just don't always know how to acheive it myself. What I do know is that I don't have the energy for deep cleaning right now, so I am probably not the best person to be picky about someone else doing it
I don't have an update on my friend's baby yet. They are going to be going in for a follow up appointment today and I should know more soon.
Edited: The person who I had e-mailed called me within about an hour of me sending the e-mail and agreed that it is not right for there to be that much left over dirt. She is going to send out her quality control person to finish the job tomorrow morning. I also realize what a spoiled lil' housewife I probably sound like in this post, but one thing I hate is to waste money. Not that it was wasted completely. The house looks MUCH better than it did and I didn't have to clean it. I felt like a pretty pampered princess as they were cleaning and I got to focus all of my attention on Will. So. . . worth it, yes, but I am glad they are coming to fix the areas that didn't get quite done.
Monday, June 28, 2010
My cankles and feet are ridiculously swollen, so I got into a warm bath to soothe the ache. I was on the phone with my good friend, who has a six day old infant. We were having a normal conversation about the challenges of her last week with two kids, and all of a sudden, she was yelling and then sobbing. The baby had stopped breathing and was turning pale. She had a hard time getting her to breathe again. This friend also lives directly across the street from me, so by the time the baby was breathing again, I was out of the tub, pulling on my sweatpants and one of M's shirts, and telling her I'd be there in 30 seconds.
I stayed at their house with their 2 year old while they rushed to the ER. They didn't return until 3:30. Although I "slept" on their couch after about midnight or so, I was sleeping lightly and uncomfortably, and keeping an eye on my phone for updates. The baby's oxygen saturation levels were lower than normal, so they had to have all sorts of tests done on her lungs and heart to rule out anything serious there, and then monitoring her breathing for a couple of hours.
Based on the test results, the doctor suspected acid reflux and they were sent home to worry the rest of the night. They are following up with their pediatrician today, but the good news is that the baby seems okay for now. Much relieved, I stumbled back across the street to my own bed, where it took me a good half hour to fall back asleep. Just in time for Will to decide he needed a snuggle. It was a quick trip into his room and out, but then I was awake again and never really went back to sleep before M's alarm signalled the start of another day.
I meant to spend Will's nap time today getting ready for the cleaning people that are coming tomorrow. I am not going to scrub toilets or anything, but I do have some "hot spots" to clean up or they won't be able to do their jobs. Instead, I collapsed on the couch in a heap of swollen, tired pregnant woman and fell into a deep sleep that left a drool mark on the couch pillow (lovely).
The baby is okay and I have cleaning people coming tomorrow. So, life is good.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
My reasoning failed. I also got horribly angry with my avec children friends who foretold the same warning. Not as angry as I got with the friends who repeatedly offered to give me their angelic little boy, until I finally snapped one day that we already had an adoption attorney and papers could be drawn up immediately, so they'd best be careful. They never said anything like that again, but then again, we didn't see them much after that. . . hmmmm.
Anyway, that night in the restaurant lingers so clearly in my mind because I freeze-framed it on purpose. Yesterday, as M and I ate dinner and basked in the glorious early summer sun, I realized that it was the first time that we had really dated in a long time. During our final pre-children years, I was so miserable and unhappy about our life without children, that I often failed to enjoy the moments that were passing us by. Dinners out, movies, and even our trips to Mexico felt like consolation prizes that I only got because I miscarried, my booby instead of baby prize. Then, after we finally had Will, our relationship went on the back burner as we learned to be parents and gave our all to our son.
Now, please don't worry. This is not going to turn into an admonishment to you still waiting for your miracles, because it's so not. I think the fact is, that if you had a missive from whatever God or being you believe in, stating that you would have children and even better, gave you a date on which that would occur, you probably could breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, "Pass me a margarita." It's the unknowing, it's the fact that you can't be sure you ever will have what your heart wants the most. It's wondering how long you'll have to wait and what you'll have to endure to get there.
I find it sad, however, that I didn't appreciate that time in our lives a bit more. I know there is nothing that I could have done then to change my feelings. They were real and justified and if I was to be put back in that time and place again, I would feel exactly the same way. But it was really nice to date my husband again tonight and I'm sorry it's been so long.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The end result was that my cankles have returned. I will not torture you with pictures. No, don't beg, you really don't want to see this. I am basically a straight line from hip to ankle. I'm bringing sexy back.
The other end result is that my master closet is cleaned out. It is not nearly as organized as Will and Emma's closets because I do not have nifty organizers installed in there. We just don't have the money to shell out on those right now. Everything is hung up or folded or in a cubby, however, and it is no longer the embarassing pit it has been for longer than I care to admit. The door even opens all of the way! M is thrilled.
We also had a couple of piles that have come from our other organization efforts. One was an "M Pile," with random electronics, cords, empty boxes for expensive purchases, old computer games, etc. One was a "Katie Pile," with old love letters, wedding memorabilia, some work stuff I have to save for one more year due to FDA regulations (Oooh, sounds official, doesn't it?), etc. The piles have been dwindled to just those few things you can never quite figure out what to do with (the FDA paperwork for me, the random cords for M).
I always think when I get to this stuff, I should just toss it in a garbage back and throw it away. But then I start to think. . . "Well, what if the FDA does show up and wants to see three years' worth of sample transaction forms that I am legally obligated to retain? I would be so screwed." Or M will think of the time that he did throw away some cords and then realized one was for our camera. Do you know how expensive it is to buy just one cord? You practically can get a new camera. Well. Not really, but just think of what these other cords could be for! This interesting look into our minds will show you why M and I are packrats. We think of the very least likely scenario, magnify it's likelihood of actually occuring by 10 milliontransillion times, and then we end up keeping said cord, paperwork, etc., until the next time we organize the same closet.
Despite our inability to part with these last "precious" remnants, I am actually quite proud of us. . . especially of me! I have worked my arse off these past few months getting all of the "rat holes" in our house taken care of. I now just have one more small closet that needs my attention and it is tiny enough that I am pretty sure a naptime could take care of it. You can now open any closet in our house without fear of death from a falling item.
It feels good.
The cankles do not.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Six months ago, we couldn't even leave the room at Gramma's without him freaking out. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without either taking him with me or listening to him scream in terror that he was about to be abandoned. I was all sorts of worried that he would never stay a night away from us. Like everything else that I worry about (hint, hint: note to self), it was a fruitless concern.
Yesterday, we arrived, I unpacked him, then hung out in the backyard with Nana and Gramma for an hour. I had talked to him about how he was going to be a Big Boy and stay with them and how he had to be good for them, then I gave him the usual countdown ("Mommy is leaving in five minutes. . . . three . . . two . . ."), and then it was with a hug, kisses, and NO TEARS, that I was able to leave. Guilt free. My MIL is in her element, as he is excited to be at her house. She had bought him a play kitchen and some Little People toys at a garage sale since his last visit, so he was happy as a clam, making "soup" for Gramma and Nana. I got a couple of text pictures last night, one with him playing happily at the park, another with him snuggling with his Nana and eating cookies. He looked perfeclty content.
I was also perfectly content, sorting through another huge pile of Emma clothes. One of my girlfriends and I switched clothes. I gave her all of Will's (six huge rubbermaid totes) and she gave me all of her little girl's (also six huge totes). This kid is now set for 0 - 18 month size clothes. The shoes. . . oh, the shoes!
I have a lot to get done this weekend. This my last harrah to actually get major things off the list. I am getting tired and my feet are starting to swell by the end of the day. It's time to slow down from here on out. The cleaners come Tuesday (!!!!!) and then the house will be clean. There are a few areas that need to be decluttered so they can get at them, so that's Priority One. I have been applying my Flylady skills to the freezer this last week and tossing something everytime I go in there to get something else out, so I don't think the freezer will be a major job.
M and I also have dinner and movie plans and I want to sleep in. Ah, sleep in. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I am still concerned about a lot, but I know that we will do it, just as every other family has done, is doing, and will continue to do. I will probably continue to vent about it here, which I hope doesn't offend anyone. I know we are blessed to be having the experience of adding a second child to our family, when so many people are still waiting on the miracle of our first. But this blog has always been my place to discuss how I am feeling. It is my outlet where I know I can get advice from real life experts - other parents in the trenches.
One thing that a comment mentioned is that I should get help if I have issues with post partum depression and anxiety again. While I agree that getting assistance is absolutely essential, I also have to refer to the old expression, "The first step is admitting that you have a problem." With Will, I thought I was prepared. I tacked a list of "Top Ten PPD Warning Signs" up on the 'fridge and told M to let me know if I experienced more than a few.
I had all but two of them. In the midst of it, though, I rationalized that it was "lack of sleep," that it would "pass," and everyone gets the "baby blues." While I am sure all of those are true enough and I started feeling better as time and sleep went on, I do think I could have benefited from some pharmacologic assistance.
So, I'll just ask you, my loyal friends and readers, to leave a supportive comment if you notice any warning signs in my posting. Last time, my obsession with Will's sleep and paralyizing anxiety were probably the two biggest signs, just as a head's up.
Thank you for walking this journey with me. I hope you know how much it means.
Edited: Here is the list I was referring to as well as a great site for information and resources on PPD/anxiety.
Top Ten Symptoms of Post Partum Depression
Source: National Institute of Mental Health
•Feeling restless or irritable.
•Feeling sad or crying a lot.
•Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
•Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
•Not being able to eat and weight loss OR overeating and weight gain.
•Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
•Being overly worried about the baby OR having no interest in the baby.
•Feeling worthless and guilty.
•Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
•No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.
Also, here is a good site with a lot of resources:
Also, good to have on hand:
When To Call Your Doctor
When to see a doctor:
■Don't fade after two weeks
■Are getting worse
■Make it hard for you to care for your baby
■Make it hard to complete everyday tasks
■Include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Getting early treatment for postpartum depression can speed your recovery.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I want to say here and now that I am so grateful for this baby girl. Last week, when that OB couldn't find the heartbeat for just those couple of minutes, I realized just how much I have already connected with her. I love this little sweetheart more than words could ever express. She is such a miracle to me and I can't wait to meet her and fall in love with her even more.
But I am scared. Scared out of my freaking mind.
The newborn days with Will weren't just hard, they were debilitating. I really do believe that I had some significant post-partum depression/anxiety going on, but that just makes it more likely to happen again this time. And "all" that I had to handle last time was one newborn. Now, I am going to have an extremely active toddler (nothing special there, they all extremely active) to manage as well. I am not a freakin' octopus, I only have two arms, and they are usually pretty full these days already. Where will Emma fit? When Will says, "Up, pwease, Mama" I don't want to deny him, but he's going to have to learn that there will be times that I am unavailable to him.
The days aren't my only fears. What about the nights? What if they are both up at the same time? How do I "rock rock" Will and nurse Emma at the same time? And if M has to get up to help me, then how does he manage not to collapse from the exhaustion and then lose his job? LOL! See what I mean about my emotions lately?
I know there are millions of moms doing it every single day. I know we'll find our way as a family of four. I just don't know how to get from here to there. . . and I don't think my lists are going to help me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
List of Things To Do Before Emma Rocks Our World
- Reorganize Will's closet (done)
- Organize linen closent (done)
- Clean out freezer
- Make extra meals for freezer
- Empty out nursery (done)
- Paint nursery (done)
- Install organizer in nursery closet (done)
- Organize master bedroom closet
- Reorganize small closet downstairs
- Get swing and bassinet down from garage storage
- Make "Willism" book for whoever watches him (daily schedule, meals, activity ideas, etc.)
- Purchase double stroller (done)
- Sell single strollers on craigslist (gave one stroller to MIL and sold one to a friend)
- Hang bookshelves in playroom (done)
- Tackle bedroom "hot spot" (which is already down to a very small pile, thanks to Fly Lady) (done)
- Paint entry way
- Reorganize bottle/glass cupboard
- Carpets cleaned
- Hire housecleaners (done)
We actually have accomplished a lot off of the list! I am really excited to be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Will is going to his Grandma's this week for two days and I am going to use this time to organize my master closet as well as get the freezer emptied out. I feel as if those are the last two major projects that take longer than a nap to do, so they are difficult to get done when Will is here. I am waiting to have the carpets cleaned until right before Emma arrives, but I know we'll use the same vendor we used last time. Getting the bassinet, swing, and car seat out of garage storage will take about ten minutes and we have that on the list for this weekend. I am going to start making extra meals every time I make a dinner and also putting ingredients in freezer bags to throw into a crock pot. I also am going to buy some pre-made frozen dinners at Costco. While they aren't the "best" for us, they are economical and easy. I'd like to have about two weeks' worth of dinners stocked up and I think that's reasonable.
So, there we are. . . getting down to the wire, but getting things checked off the list. The best news is that the things that are left to do are easier than what we've already done (as far as both time and effort) and also things that if they didn't get done, well, the world would keep turning.
What's on your list to get done?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
With a scheduled c-section, however, this little lady has an eviction notice posted. Which means that we are also on notice.
Is it just me, or is Pregnancy Time kind of weird? You find out you are pregnant and the first trimester crawls by. I seriously do not think time could go any slower. The time until your first appointment, first ultrasound, first listen to the heartbeat seems to inch past you. Part of it is probably the exhaustion, sickness, and, for us infertiles, the fear and unease of every twinge, pull, and "sign" of things going right or wrong.
Once the second trimester kicks in and movement quickly follows, it's like time catches up. Things start flying by. But even then, you feel like you have forever. The baby won't be here for months becomes your standard response to people asking you if you are ready. Suddenly, however, it's gone from months to weeks and, soon, days.
M is upstairs putting up curtain rods and wall art. I am going to iron the curtains during Will's nap and get them up. I have been waiting for the curtains to be up for awhile. I feel like it's going to make a huge difference in the room. So will the wall art. Just those little finishing touches that make it seem more personal, give it that little extra je ne sais quois (wow, look at me, busting out high school French).
And Will is closing the computer lid. So that's all for now.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Do you ever feel that you should be able to do or say more because of your experiences with IF/loss? I really do. I often feel at a loss at a time when I wish I could do so much more.
The "good" news is that my sister in law has a very good support system in place. Unlike me, she had told the entire family, so we all know and can offer support. One of her very best friends recently had a tubal pregnancy and has had one miscarriage before that as well. Another friend lost one baby mid-pregnancy and then had a premature delivery at 26 weeks. The baby lived but was in NICU for a long time and has significant issues two years later. I actually knew very few people IRL that had even had a miscarriage and it was coming to the blogosphere and finding others who "got it" that really helped me. I think she will be able to find that with her friends. I am also there for her if she needs me, of course, but although I consider our relationship to be very good, I also don't know if I would deem us "close." Plus, I am one of them now. You know, a melon belly with two RLBs. As much as I hate this, I know it to be true: there is probably a small (or not so small) part of her that will find it hard to be around me for the next few weeks and for who knows how long after Emma is born.
I don't know if they will try again. My understanding is that they were "not-trying-not-preventing" this one and that her boyfriend wasn't 100% on board (he was being supportive, but doesn't really want any more children). When they told his kids (15 and 10), their reactions weren't that positive, which really hurt her.
My MIL is also very upset. She was about five minutes away from our house when my SIL called her. She called me and said she needed some time, which I completely understood. She went to Toys R Us to buy some things for Will to cheer them both up, then to get him a milkshake. She ended up in a parking lot, crying for an hour, too. Her eyes were red and puffy when she got here. I felt awful that she'd been so upset and all alone, but I think she was trying not to upset me. I had been crying all morning myself and I kind of wish we'd been able to be there for each other.
But we spent a lot of time talking about how best to help my SIL and just about her feelings about losing another grandbaby and possibly her only grandchild from her daughter.
It was an unhappy day. I ache for my SIL because, although it's been a few years, the pain still cuts like a knife and I know the road ahead is going to be long.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Yeah. Being there yesterday reminded me of all that we have to be grateful for. In our little corner of the world, this surgery was a big deal for us, but compared with some of the other things I saw yesterday, I know this wasn't even a blip!
The great thing about being at Children's Hospital was that each person we interacted with was obviously very used to dealing with children and that made a really big difference. Everything from the blood pressure cuffs to the gowns to the gas masks were all in miniature. When we have had other tests done other places, they either make do with the adult size or scramble around looking for a kid's size they know they have "somewhere." They were endlessly patient with Will. . . and also with Will's very pregnant Mommy. :)
I thought I would give more details today, because I know I googled (surprise, surprise) things to do to make our experience easier and found some good tips a long the way. Here are some things that worked for us and some things that I would do differently next time.
1) Bring a rolling suitcase.
I felt funny doing this even though I'd read it on many sites. Will has a cute Lightening McQueen suitcase that isn't that big, so I used that one to pack a sort of day bag for him. Again, I felt as if this might be overkill. . . until we got there. Pretty much everyone else had one and we used a lot of the stuff from it. And being able to just toss stuff in and roll it along, rather than have a bunch of different bags and try to carry them all? Genius. You move to a lot of different areas during the day, so it makes sense to make your travel as easy as possible.
2) Dress them in sweats and a t shirt.
I brought a pair of swears and a t shirt in our suitcase for him, but the hospital information had said to dress them in light pajamas. Right away, I felt as if that was a mistake. They had to put his hospital bracelet around his leg, which meant unzipping the jammies and pulling his leg out. Then they had to see the bracelet every time we got to a new station or area, which meant unzipping the jammies and pulling the leg out. He got into a hospital gown soon after we were actually in the pre-op area, but then afterward, when we had to get him dressed to go home, the sweatpants and sweatshirt were waaaay easier to get over his IV (they don't take that out until you are absolutely ready to go home) and to cut off his bracelet.
3) Ask to go all the way to the OR.
I was hopeful we could do this, but didn't know if they would allow it. They did. I couldn't go because of my pregnant status, which confused me, until M described how they got him to wear the mask. They turned the gas on and waved it in front of his different body parts before finally waving it in front of his little face. They didn't put it on until he was quite happy from the gas in the air. M had a contact high! The best part was that we never had the screaming, scared scenario that I thought we'd have when we were separated from him. I cried a lot, so much so that the nurses seemed more concerned about me, but they came in with a cup of water and some tissues, and pats on the shoulder, and I was okay after a few minutes.
4) Prepare yourself for after the surgery.
I thought that the hardest part would be saying good-bye, but it was actually post-op that was the most difficult. When they brought him in, he was still very out of it, but he was either in a lot of pain or just mad. I think he was mad, but they said the morphine would help with either! It was pretty traumatic to see him so upset. He cried and screamed so hard that he made himself gag and choke. He also had some (a very little amount) blood that came out with his tears and snot, which bothered me, even though I knew it was normal. He wasn't really calmed by our holding him or any usual tricks that would soothe him. What finally seemed to help was walking him around, outside of the recovery room. Well, that and the morphine didn't hurt. I saw younger babies and older kids who seemed to do better with the transition, but I saw another toddler get just as upset, and the nurse working with us said that toddlers have the worst time with coming out of anesthesia. They are scared, confused, etc., and have no way to communicate that. . . combine that with the drugs and it's like the recipe for the Perfect Tantrum.
5) Leave as soon as you can.
This seems obvious before surgery, but when you are actually dealing with your distraught toddler, you will suddenly feel like leaving the safety of the hospital is insane. But he was 150 million per cent better after we left the hospital. He was groggy and tired, but really wanted to be in his own comfort zone. Once we got to the car, he snuggled into his car seat and smiled for the first time since surgery. He wanted to hold my hand until he fell asleep and I was more than happy to let him.
6) Bring snacks and water for yourself.
I was so nervous the night before that I just picked at dinner and then had no breakfast. Will couldn't eat or drink anything, so I wasn't about to eat in front of him. But when he went into surgery, I had some water. I was still nervous to eat, but M ate something, which was probably a good idea since he needed energy heading into the post-op area. I was definitely light headed by the time we left the hospital and needed to eat. We didn't have long enough to head up to a cafeteria or anything because his surgery was so quick.
7) Use the hospital pharmacy.
Be sure to call ahead and ask your insurance company about this, because I had been told to never use the hospital pharmacy as it is usually more expensive. In our case, it was less expensive and the drugs were ready for us to pick up on the way out, so no extra stops. We had asked about filling the prescriptions ahead of time, but they won't do that for some reason.
Well, I think that's it. Will seems to be doing much better this morning, almost as if nothing happened. His face is a tiny bit swollen, but he ate breakfast and seems on the mend. We are staying home and taking it easy today, but I think he'll be back to normal by tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
It was easier in some ways than I had expected it would be (he didn't cry at all in pre op and M could go all the way to the OR with him and stayed until he was out - no tears from Will at all- I was a different story) and harder in others (he had a rough time coming out of the anesthesia - it took two doses of morphine to get him to calm down).
The procedure went as expected. The doctor feels, based on the physical findings, that we will see an improvement in his chronic sinus/ear infections, but that he probably has some sort of allergy issues. Though he tested negative for allergens in December, those results aren't reliable in kiddos under 2. So, he feels we might still have to try some other things (allergy medication, nasal steroids, etc.) in order to get him 100% healthy. That was a little disappointing, but I am glad to know that we've at least taken a major step.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Now, off to baby my baby.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Also, I had a bad experience at the OB's today. It was not my usual, wonderful Dr. S. It was a much younger, cockier, sure-he's-better-looking-but-who-cares-because-he-is-an-@ss doctor. He had an attitude from the second he walked in through the door, didn't even say "hi" to Will, who was very excited to hear the "heartbeep."
When he went to find Emma's heartbeat, he couldn't find it for what seemed like an eternity. It has never taken Dr. S that long to find the heartbeat. I started to feel my face flush and my heart race, and tears came to my eyes. It was probably only a couple of minutes, but I couldn't understand why it would be hard to find her heartbeat and my imagination ran away from me. I started counting back to when I had felt her last (just this afternoon).
Finally, finally, I heard a very soft swoosh-swoosh. "Is that her?" I asked desperately.
"Yes, of course," he replied. "What do you think it is?"
"Well, I was getting worried. . . it doesn't usually take that long to find her heartbeat. . . "
Of course, that was the wrong thing to say to Dr. I'm Cooler Than You. Now I'd gone and offended his heartbeat-finding-skills.
"It's luck of the draw on how quickly you can find it," he said defensively.
Then, I switched in my normal-Katie mode, apologizing and wiping my tears away, trying to explain why I had gotten so worried. "We had a lot of losses before we had our son," I said, indicating Will in his stroller.
"Well, those were first trimester losses, right? Not late term losses."
"Yes, I. . ." I just felt stupid at that point. Emma was clearly fine and I had gotten all riled for no reason.
But those couple of minutes and hs dismissive attitude, combined with all of my fears for tomorrow, have made me a puddly mess tonight.
If you have any extra thoughts or prayers for our family tonight and tomorrow, I would greatly appreciate it. The surgery is 9:15 AM PST and he'll need some time in recovery, so it will probably be early afternoon before I can update, but I promise to at least post quickly to let you know that all is well.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Oh, and for comparison purposes, these are pictures of me at 33 weeks with Will.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I have been collecting fun little pieces of the nursery since we decided on a color theme. Here is a fun pillow and a basket that will sit next to my glider and hold books, nursing pads, etc.Here is the changing table and cover. Pretty basic, but I love that both were handmedowns and match perfectly!
And the crib. . . oh, my friends, the crib. This bedding was the color inspiration for all of it. I have since really focused on upping the raspberry color in the room. The curtains, rug, and a lot of fun little accessories (even a raspberry piggy bank!) are all in that color. I just painted raspberry colored squares on the wall above the crib last night and we'll be mounting white metal plaques above that.
We also recently found a used glider on craigslist and of course, there is the craigslist book shelf, which I can't wait to take pictures of and show you once I've set it all up. I have put it next to the changing table and will use the top two shelves for diapers and other necessities, and the bottom two shelves for books and stuffed animals.
I have to be sure to say, once again, that I have had a lot of help with this nursery from the very beginning. That is part of what makes me love this room so very much. It is truly a compilation of my friends and their amazing talents and love for our little girl. It makes me feel so supported to have them there for me. I only hope that I give them back the same type of love and selfless support.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
If someone would have asked me what I wanted to have accomplished by this age, I would have basically described the life I am living: be married, "own" my own home, have a kid or two, and stay at home taking care of them. That pretty much is what is happening. I am exactly where I hoped and planned to be at this point in my life.
I spent most of my life reaching, trying, doing, and generally exhausting myself. My goal for my thirties is to try and be content with what I have. . . because I truly have so much to be content with and grateful for. As is the human condition, however, I still have found myself trying to do, to be, to have, to strive for bigger, better, and more. While I think this is a good quality and certainly has served me well in the past, I don't want to lose sight of what's really important. I have truly been so blessed, and can only hope that the next 31 years bring half as many wonderful fortunes.
Will and I have a playdate with good friends this morning and then M is taking us out to one of my favorite places to eat tonight. I am giving myself permission to do absolutely nothing during Will's nap today and might even rent a girlie movie off of cable that I know M would have absolutely no desire to see - or I might just nap. Both sound heavenly. I usually feel guilty if I do "nothing" during his naptime, but today is my birthday after all.
Oh, and cleaning update: They were about average in what I have priced out before and I liked the company representative that came to the house (though she was over 30 minutes late, which wasn't a great first impression, but she was very apologetic). Some neighbors of ours gave us a referral to their cleaning service (and their house always looks clean) and so I set up an appointment for another estimate next week. I always like to get at least two quotes so I can compare and possibly even use one as a negotiating tactic.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I am going to straighten some things around the house, empty some garbage cans, and light a scented candle, but other than that, I am going to force myself not to really clean. There is nothing terribly embarassing in our house right now, with the exception of our master closet, and I am just gonna close the door. Nothing to see here . . .
This weekend is a big "party weekend" for our family. My birthday is Friday, we have a family graduation to go to on Saturday, and then M's birthday on Sunday. I am seriously considering just sending M and Will to the graduation and staying here to get a major project ticked off my list: Organizing Will's Closet (imagine scary music playing here).
There are a few things you need to understand about Will's closet.
1) I am a packrat. I learned this from my mom. I am not organized and opening a closet in my home can be hazardous to your health. Flylady has helped me significantly, but closets remain difficult for me. The old "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy.
2) We had SO. MUCH. stuff for Will when he was born. A ridiculous amount of stuff given to us by generous family and friends. My lovely friends had installed a wonderful closet organizer in his nursery and my plan was to organize everything the next day. Will's plan was to be born that day instead. He won.
3) So, my MOM was the one who "organized" the closet for me. Which means that it was never organized. She had everything and every size hanging in all sorts of places. . . seriously, there were 4T sizes hanging next to newborn sizes, pants next to onesies, jammies next to winter jackets. Now, I am grateful that she did all of that work for me (getting them out of the storage totes they had been in and hanging them at all), but it set the stage for a serious organizational FAIL.
4) It is difficult to undertake a project as big as cleaning out and reorganizing his closet, because I need a chunk of time to do it in. And those chunks of time usually take place during a nap, but I obviously can't be in his room when he is napping. The one time I tried to tackle it while he was awake ended up in more of a mess than what I had started with.
So. There are not enough words to describe the horror that is that closet. It is seriously a MESS. I know that if it doesn't get done before Emma arrives, it probably never will, so that is why it has made The List.
I think this weekend is a great opportunity to get it done. If my master closet doesn't get done before Emma arrives, then so be it. I can find chunks of time to do that in later (I hope and pray). Also, people will be here helping with Will post-surgery, and it would be oh so helpful if they could find the things they needed without me having to put on my pith helmet and go find it for them (I wish I was exaggerating, sadly, I am not).
Wow, what a way to ring in my 31st year. . . and yet I don't mind a single bit.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Secondly, I am pretty sure I am losing my mind. I kind of remember this scatterbrained state of mind from the home stretch with Will. I am very preoccupied with the nursery and its progress. We are getting close to being done and have accomplished a lot, but I still have a lot that I want to do before Miss Emma arrives. I also have some other "rat holes" that need attending and I am quickly losing steam.
My birthday is Friday and M wants to give me the gift of housecleaning until Emma is born and perhaps a clean or two after. This is genius. But it's also expensive. And am I the only one who will want to clean their house. . . before the cleaners come? I war between insisting that I can pull up my big girl panties and clean the house myself and save us a pile of money, and just relenting, knowing that I need that energy for other projects. I am leaning towards relenting. Also, this cleaning is going to be my New Mommy Present (also known as the Push Present, or the Zipper Gift, in my case), so really, shouldn't a girl get something a little extravagant for housing another human for 3/4 of a year? And though I love jewelry, I have to admit, clean toilets would have a lot more sparkle for me right now.
I am more excited to give M his present this year. He reads this blog, so I won't say more, but suffice to say, I know he is going to be thrilled with it (you are, I promise, M) and it has taken a lot of planning and execution on my part. I am eager to see his reaction.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I know in the scheme of things, this is a minor procedure and not really anything to get riled about, but. . . he's my bay-bee. I am hormonal. I am upset. When we pulled up to the hospital today, he started saying, "Buh-bye" in the scared way he does when he doesn't want to stay someplace. So, I anticipate that next week and how upsetting it will be next week when we go there and have to hand him over to the OR staff. I just can't even think about it for right now.
I also got my urine test results back from last week's OB appointment and I do have protein in my urine again. I am not that concerned about it, since this also happened about the same time in the pregnancy with Will and it never turned into anything serious. Of course, I was able to take it much easier last time around once I quit working. I don't think Will is going to allow me that luxury this time! Especially when he's recovering from surgery. My days of taking it easy and putting my feet up are long over (and I'm glad for it).
Sunday, June 6, 2010
We haven't disturbed anything in his room and don't plan to. He is still doing just fine in his crib, with no escape attempts and (mostly) sleeping soundly through the night, so we plan no bed transitions in the next few months. The only thing we were thinking about "stealing" to move into Emma's room was the rocking chair, but as he still really loves being "rock rocked" before bed and we read in that chair constantly, we have decided to leave it and just buy another for her room. Since friends gave us the crib and changing table and we have gotten all of our clothes through handmedowns, it's something we can afford.
We read books to him. I found a whole bunch of "New Baby," "Big Brother," etc.-type books at the Goodwill and a garage sale. We probably have ten of them. He picks at least one out every night as a bedtime story (I am not trying to force the topic, but he seems very interested in it).
He points to the baby in my tummy all of the time. If you ask his sister's name, he will tell you Emma. He points babies out in public spots. When we go to the doctor, he talks about hearing the "heartbeep" for days after. When we pulled into the OB's office parking lot the other day, he excitedly said, "Emma? Heartbeep?" This is the same building where she'll be born, too.
This all being said, I am fully aware that he is just a little guy himself and there is no way to truly prepare him for what is coming. I know that until the rubber meets the road and she is here, he will not understand any of it. We just wanted to do all that we could to ease the transition for him.
What advice do you have (even if you've not had a second child - or even a first - what have you seen others do or what did your parents do) that made it easier for when a sibling was born?
A few things that I am especially curious about. . .
1) The hospital.
I will be there for at least three days, possibly four. Will is staying with his Grandma an hour away. Obviously, she wants to come and visit and has said she will bring him. I have heard that having them meet on "neutral" territory is the best idea, but I am a little unsure about whether he will be scared of the hospital (he doesn't like it when I have my blood pressure taken at the OB - so imagine all of the things that could potentially scare him when I am post-op) and if he will be upset to have to leave us again. So. . . do you think he should come meet Emma there or just stay away?
Oh, and also, the hospital offers free c-section tours, and he would be welcome to go on one of those with us. I definitely don't think M and I need that, but do you think he is old enough to get anything from it?
Edited to add: Our hospital lifted the "no kids under 12" policy (that was put in place over the winter because of the H1N1 virus) last month. So at this point, he can visit us.
2) The homecoming.
One book I read said that he should be at the house when Emma arrives so that he doesn't feel like he went away for a few days and everything changed in his absence. Then another book said that he should allowed to be part of the homecoming, so meeting us at the hospital and bringing her home. I am not sure if he is old enough for this to matter much, but what do you think?
Of course, I am also just worried about the first few weeks in general. Any advice on easing the transition would be extremely helpful and much appreciated! Thank you!
Friday, June 4, 2010
After I picked myself up off the ground, where I had been rolling with hysterical laughter, I asked him if he couldn't write that on a prescription pad where I could take it to some magical pharmacy where they dispense housekeepers, nannies, and cooks. He gave me a smile and said that I'd have to ask my husband for help. Again, with the hysterical laughter. . .
Kidding, kidding. M does his best to help, but with being sick since pretty much January, plus working outside of the home full time, it doesn't leave him with a lot of energy.
Will has also entered a new phase these past few days. I hoping it's just that he's bored from being inside the house for so long. We usually have at least two or three playdates and/or fun outings in a week, and this week we were on self-imposed house arrest due to The Sick. He is just getting so much more defiant and also physical. He has not been much of a hitter until very recently. He went through a biting phase, which was tough, but this is much more widespread and seems more. . . violent, I guess? Even the dogs have met with his wrath and they stay out of his way most of the time. I know this is all very normal from a developmental standpoint, but I miss my sweet lil' baby. I do want him to have more independence and be able to stand up for himself and I know expressing his own likes and dislikes is a big step towards that. And it's not bad all the time. I have just noticed more whining, more grumpy, more negative behavior. To be fair, some of that could be that I am whinier, grumpier, and more negative lately. I'm no child expert, but to say that there is a likely correlation doesn't take a rocket scientist.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
If it were me and I was spotting pink and cramping, I would be freaking OUT. I would be convinced that it was all coming to a bloody end. Of course, I did not disclose that information to her. I rattled off all of the platitudes that people always said to me, "It's only pink, you're fine." "Hormonal changes." "Irritated cervix." "A little spotting is normal."
I tried to remind myself that, for most people, a little bit of spotting can be normal. But it still made my heart pound. I urged her to call her doctor, knowing in my heart that they'd probably just brush it off and tell her to put her feet up, but hoping they'll have her come in and do an ultrasound.
I'm glad she called me. I certainly do have experience with miscarriages, so I am a good person to call, I suppose. Unfortunately, my personal history makes it very hard for me to believe that this will turn out okay.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
These two things combined for me to do a Poo Poo Happy Dance around his room with him today. Yeah, how Mom-like is that? Or is it just plain crazy? I don't care. Shout it from the mountain tops, write it in the sky: We have a solid poopy!
Also, M went back to the doctor last night and has been diagnosed with acid reflux that is causing his chronic cough. It's cyclical, because it causes throat and sinus damage, too, which makes all of those areas more likely to be infected. It will take awhile for it to clear up completely, but he should notice a difference in a few weeks. This is also cause for celebration 'round these parts.
In kind of strange news, my SIL is pregnant. This is kind of a shocker as she is 39 and had kind of said she never wanted kids. Her longterm boyfriend is in his 50's and has two kids from his marriage and also said he was "done." I guess they were't really trying or preventing (which I guess means they were kind of sort of trying), but it'd been so long, and she didn't think she could get pregnant (some issues with her cervix and her age). Anyway, she is only 7 weeks pregnant and due in early January. It will be neat to have cousins so close in age and I am happy for her, though in a motherly way, I worry for her a bit. She and her boyfriend have a rocky relationship and she said he is "handling the pregnancy better" better than she thought he would, which to me is not exactly a winning endorsement. Now, he's a decent guy and a good father to the two he already has, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to have a baby and raise a child with someone not 100% on board.
Last piece of news. . . my BP was up at yesterday's appointment. As it's been really low, it's still in the normal range, but up enough points that my doctor was slightly concerned. I have to go back for another BP check tomorrow. I am hoping it was just a strange blip. My BP did go up at 34 weeks with Will, but I also had a lot of swelling and some protein in the urine, which was what caused my doctor to take me out of work, but it ended up being just fine. So, fingers crossed that it's nothing this time around, too.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Will seems to be feeling a bit better, but his poor bottom is so raw. It's like one gigantic welt with other welts on top of it. We have been giving him oatmeal baths and are trying this powder on the advice of a friendly pharmacist that I literally started crying with yesterday. Okay, I wasn't sobbing or anything, but I had tears in my eyes. I feel so helpless when Will is sick. I know that we can't do anything but wait it out. I know it's nothing serious and that a little bout of diarrhea is not going to kill him, but I just hate that it's been since last Thursday that he's had what I would call a decent meal. I hate that he winces as I go for the flaps on his diaper. I hate that he looks as if he's lost weight when I see him nakey.
M seems to be better but it was a rough weekend for us. We were sniping at each other by yesterday - too much "together" time. We barely left the house and I think with the dreary weather, sickness, and everything else, it was just. . . a lot.
So, I am glad it's Tuesday and that, hopefully, everyone is on the mend soon. I could really use a break, but I don't see me getting one until sometime in 2025. . . or so!