Will's surgery is tomorrow. I am sure it's partially hormones and also just the reality that he's my little boy and I will not be able to keep him out of pain tomorrow. It goes against the very instinct of parenthood.
Also, I had a bad experience at the OB's today. It was not my usual, wonderful Dr. S. It was a much younger, cockier, sure-he's-better-looking-but-who-cares-because-he-is-an-@ss doctor. He had an attitude from the second he walked in through the door, didn't even say "hi" to Will, who was very excited to hear the "heartbeep."
When he went to find Emma's heartbeat, he couldn't find it for what seemed like an eternity. It has never taken Dr. S that long to find the heartbeat. I started to feel my face flush and my heart race, and tears came to my eyes. It was probably only a couple of minutes, but I couldn't understand why it would be hard to find her heartbeat and my imagination ran away from me. I started counting back to when I had felt her last (just this afternoon).
Finally, finally, I heard a very soft swoosh-swoosh. "Is that her?" I asked desperately.
"Yes, of course," he replied. "What do you think it is?"
"Well, I was getting worried. . . it doesn't usually take that long to find her heartbeat. . . "
Of course, that was the wrong thing to say to Dr. I'm Cooler Than You. Now I'd gone and offended his heartbeat-finding-skills.
"It's luck of the draw on how quickly you can find it," he said defensively.
Then, I switched in my normal-Katie mode, apologizing and wiping my tears away, trying to explain why I had gotten so worried. "We had a lot of losses before we had our son," I said, indicating Will in his stroller.
"Well, those were first trimester losses, right? Not late term losses."
"Yes, I. . ." I just felt stupid at that point. Emma was clearly fine and I had gotten all riled for no reason.
But those couple of minutes and hs dismissive attitude, combined with all of my fears for tomorrow, have made me a puddly mess tonight.
If you have any extra thoughts or prayers for our family tonight and tomorrow, I would greatly appreciate it. The surgery is 9:15 AM PST and he'll need some time in recovery, so it will probably be early afternoon before I can update, but I promise to at least post quickly to let you know that all is well.