Friday, June 18, 2010

It Just Sucks

Yesterday sucked. My poor sister and mother in law.

Do you ever feel that you should be able to do or say more because of your experiences with IF/loss? I really do. I often feel at a loss at a time when I wish I could do so much more.

The "good" news is that my sister in law has a very good support system in place. Unlike me, she had told the entire family, so we all know and can offer support. One of her very best friends recently had a tubal pregnancy and has had one miscarriage before that as well. Another friend lost one baby mid-pregnancy and then had a premature delivery at 26 weeks. The baby lived but was in NICU for a long time and has significant issues two years later. I actually knew very few people IRL that had even had a miscarriage and it was coming to the blogosphere and finding others who "got it" that really helped me. I think she will be able to find that with her friends. I am also there for her if she needs me, of course, but although I consider our relationship to be very good, I also don't know if I would deem us "close." Plus, I am one of them now. You know, a melon belly with two RLBs. As much as I hate this, I know it to be true: there is probably a small (or not so small) part of her that will find it hard to be around me for the next few weeks and for who knows how long after Emma is born.

I don't know if they will try again. My understanding is that they were "not-trying-not-preventing" this one and that her boyfriend wasn't 100% on board (he was being supportive, but doesn't really want any more children). When they told his kids (15 and 10), their reactions weren't that positive, which really hurt her.

My MIL is also very upset. She was about five minutes away from our house when my SIL called her. She called me and said she needed some time, which I completely understood. She went to Toys R Us to buy some things for Will to cheer them both up, then to get him a milkshake. She ended up in a parking lot, crying for an hour, too. Her eyes were red and puffy when she got here. I felt awful that she'd been so upset and all alone, but I think she was trying not to upset me. I had been crying all morning myself and I kind of wish we'd been able to be there for each other.

But we spent a lot of time talking about how best to help my SIL and just about her feelings about losing another grandbaby and possibly her only grandchild from her daughter.

It was an unhappy day. I ache for my SIL because, although it's been a few years, the pain still cuts like a knife and I know the road ahead is going to be long.


Ms. J said...

I am so sorry for all of the pain and grief your family is going through, and will be going through for a long time, as you know too well by now.

I have had a smiliar thing happen, with Lil Pumpkin's godmother becoming pregnant about 2 weeks after I became pregnant with Peanut. But she did not tell me. Then at 10 week u/s found out she had m/c and had to have D&C. But she did not share any of this with me until I was 20 weeks along (and we email/text DAILY). I felt AWFUL! Even though she knows my history as well as I do, I felt AWFUL trying to comfort her with my belly and blog-angst (which she reads). She has repeatedly said that she can find much joy in Peanut (her husband is the godfather), and it's "Different" because of what I have been through - thus, she isn't uncomfortable around me or the girls.

I think she's a saint. Way better person than I ever could be.

I'm glad you can comfort your MIL, and your SIL, even if they don't realize it necessarily - you will know what NOT to say, and not to bombard her with photos, etc. Your sensitivity will be the enduring part of this. Please trust in that.

HereWeGoAJen said...

You know, I think it is harder to do or say more BECAUSE of the experience. We know how much it hurts and have empathy instead of sympathy. When I hear bad news, it literally takes my breath away. Some people can just out with an I'm sorry while I am still reeling.

A'Dell said...

Yeah. This sucks. I'm so sorry to hear this and I know that out of all the people she could be surrounded by, you are a remarkably understanding, caring and empathetic person to be on her side.

Sucks. Majorly sucks.

Anonymous said...

We all know it's hard to see pregnant women and their beautiful, happy babies. But I think your SIL might get more comfort out of your support than you realize. One of my SILs is an amazing comfort to me because she's been there, come out on the other side, and is willing to talk about it. It's great to know I can talk to her about how scared I am to try again and how pessimistic I am that it'll never work, and she knows exactly how I feel.

Debby said...

I have no words...only prayers offered up for her.

Searching said...

I am so sorry. :( They will be in my prayers.