It's my Type A personality showing through, but the more emotionally uncertain I am about something, the more I turn to lists for security. It's as if by listing everything, I can stave off the uncontrollable. You'd think after having so many miscarriages and parenting a toddler, I would have learned the lesson by now: we control precious little. I guess I just like the illusions!
I want to say here and now that I am so grateful for this baby girl. Last week, when that OB couldn't find the heartbeat for just those couple of minutes, I realized just how much I have already connected with her. I love this little sweetheart more than words could ever express. She is such a miracle to me and I can't wait to meet her and fall in love with her even more.
But I am scared. Scared out of my freaking mind.
The newborn days with Will weren't just hard, they were debilitating. I really do believe that I had some significant post-partum depression/anxiety going on, but that just makes it more likely to happen again this time. And "all" that I had to handle last time was one newborn. Now, I am going to have an extremely active toddler (nothing special there, they all extremely active) to manage as well. I am not a freakin' octopus, I only have two arms, and they are usually pretty full these days already. Where will Emma fit? When Will says, "Up, pwease, Mama" I don't want to deny him, but he's going to have to learn that there will be times that I am unavailable to him.
The days aren't my only fears. What about the nights? What if they are both up at the same time? How do I "rock rock" Will and nurse Emma at the same time? And if M has to get up to help me, then how does he manage not to collapse from the exhaustion and then lose his job? LOL! See what I mean about my emotions lately?
I know there are millions of moms doing it every single day. I know we'll find our way as a family of four. I just don't know how to get from here to there. . . and I don't think my lists are going to help me.