Sunday, June 27, 2010

Dating My Husband

I remember a moment from our infertility days as clearly as if it was yesterday. My husband and I had a lazy Saturday, doing pretty much nothing, and then we went to dinner. We were sitting there, eating, drinking wine, and talking. . . yet my mind was a million miles away. There was a super-cute baby at the table next to us and all I could think of was how much I wanted that. I tried to reason with myself that there would be a time when I would long for a lazy Saturday and a date with my husband.

My reasoning failed. I also got horribly angry with my avec children friends who foretold the same warning. Not as angry as I got with the friends who repeatedly offered to give me their angelic little boy, until I finally snapped one day that we already had an adoption attorney and papers could be drawn up immediately, so they'd best be careful. They never said anything like that again, but then again, we didn't see them much after that. . . hmmmm.

Anyway, that night in the restaurant lingers so clearly in my mind because I freeze-framed it on purpose. Yesterday, as M and I ate dinner and basked in the glorious early summer sun, I realized that it was the first time that we had really dated in a long time. During our final pre-children years, I was so miserable and unhappy about our life without children, that I often failed to enjoy the moments that were passing us by. Dinners out, movies, and even our trips to Mexico felt like consolation prizes that I only got because I miscarried, my booby instead of baby prize. Then, after we finally had Will, our relationship went on the back burner as we learned to be parents and gave our all to our son.

Now, please don't worry. This is not going to turn into an admonishment to you still waiting for your miracles, because it's so not. I think the fact is, that if you had a missive from whatever God or being you believe in, stating that you would have children and even better, gave you a date on which that would occur, you probably could breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, "Pass me a margarita." It's the unknowing, it's the fact that you can't be sure you ever will have what your heart wants the most. It's wondering how long you'll have to wait and what you'll have to endure to get there.

I find it sad, however, that I didn't appreciate that time in our lives a bit more. I know there is nothing that I could have done then to change my feelings. They were real and justified and if I was to be put back in that time and place again, I would feel exactly the same way. But it was really nice to date my husband again tonight and I'm sorry it's been so long.


HereWeGoAJen said...

Oh, yes, the unknowing. So unfair.

Anonymous said...

What a great post. You phrased that the right way. Thanks for the reminder!

Jennifer said...

For some reason this post made me cry. I try so hard to enjoy this time that my husband and I have but it's been two and a half years of sorrow interspersed with recovering from it and this post makes me realize that time is passing me by. I have recently tried to enjoy the here and now. I wish I had a card with a date on it that said "Your baby will come into your life on...." but I guess so would we all :) I have to remember what I do have to enjoy - namely a super husband and good friends. It's not all bad this life.

Rebecca said...

You're true.

That and "everything happens for a reason." I'll tell you that without our infertility, our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it's not a great way to figure out your strengths as a couple, but I don't think there is one out there...strengths always emerge from tragedy.

peesticksandstones said...

Oh my god! So much catching up to do! I've missed you. And I love this post so much. I can definitely recall so many dinners/little trips during the IF/miscarriage struggle where I was just so not "there" with my husband. Or even when with friends or when doing a lot of other things I should've been enjoying.

Dealing with the deaths of 2 people close to me in recent months, too, has shaken me up a lot in regards to always living in the future/ruminating over the past. There is so much living in the NOW to do, regardless of what you still may not have.

Although if anyone had told me that before I had my son, I would've totally smacked them of course.

You are inspiring me to try to figure out some kind of date night thing... eventually. I'm still trying to get a handle on "Peesticks time" :)

Anonymous said...

Very true, thank you for posting this!

Stacy Woodruff said...

I agree with wishing I had taken more time to actually enjoy my husband during the infertile phase. After having Travis, it hasn't been too bad, because we have been blessed with an incredibly easy baby, but now that I have two foster daughters added to the mix, I am starting to feel the crunch a little more. I find myself doing chores after getting the babies down for the night, up until it's time for us to go to bed, then collapsing in a heap only to wake up in the morning to start again. Before, I could spend some time with my hubby after the boy went down, and it's hard to find that time now. Of course we went from having one 10 month old to having 3 kids under the age of two, but still, it's overwhelming.

Amy said...

dude, my phone went tits up and I have been meaning to text you and say it was so good to talk with you on thurs...sorry for the abrupt sign off...i miss you! Can you text me your phone #, that's how lame I am, I lost all my contacts and I can't even remember my parents phone numbers! Love ya!

Mel said...

Ah. So very, very poignant and true. So many precious moments in life we are so quick to let go of without even realizing that we will never, ever get that time back. I tell all of our engaged friends now to really enjoy that time of engagement... I just wanted to be married so badly, I rushed to plan a wedding in 8 months and I stressed my way through the whole process, missing the actual engagement. 8 months with someone that isn't your spouse but is your betrothed is SO PRECIOUS... you have a lifetime together, and that time in between is beyond fleeting.

We try to go out, just the two of us, once a month. But it doesn't happen and when it does, we are both often so tired and cannot find anything to talk about other than the baby or something equally unromantic. Sigh.

Debby said...

as you know i'm definitely a huge advocate for dating while married. I know this will be an even bigger challenge now that 2 kiddos will be in the mix, but I also know my hubby and i both NEED it. I think it has something to do with how long we were married just the 2 of us before kids came in the mix (almost 6 years). So I'm super committed to starting them up as soon as possible again after Sawyer arrives - even if S comes with attached to me and G is with a sitter.

I hope that as your little miss arrives things settle down quickly and you and M can get in a routine for your date time - whether at home or out.

And i think it's ok that we don't appreciate what we have sometimes til it's gone...makes it all the sweeter to cherish when we have the time now. I know I also felt the whole "conselation prize" part about my trips and stuff during IF too.

Stacey said...

Lovely post, and I can relate to how you felt before children. "It's the unknowing, it's the fact that you can't be sure you ever will have what your heart wants the most. It's wondering how long you'll have to wait and what you'll have to endure to get there." So, so true. Thanks for the post and for the way it reminded me to cherish those times with my husband.