I remember a moment from our infertility days as clearly as if it was yesterday. My husband and I had a lazy Saturday, doing pretty much nothing, and then we went to dinner. We were sitting there, eating, drinking wine, and talking. . . yet my mind was a million miles away. There was a super-cute baby at the table next to us and all I could think of was how much I wanted that. I tried to reason with myself that there would be a time when I would long for a lazy Saturday and a date with my husband.
My reasoning failed. I also got horribly angry with my avec children friends who foretold the same warning. Not as angry as I got with the friends who repeatedly offered to give me their angelic little boy, until I finally snapped one day that we already had an adoption attorney and papers could be drawn up immediately, so they'd best be careful. They never said anything like that again, but then again, we didn't see them much after that. . . hmmmm.
Anyway, that night in the restaurant lingers so clearly in my mind because I freeze-framed it on purpose. Yesterday, as M and I ate dinner and basked in the glorious early summer sun, I realized that it was the first time that we had really dated in a long time. During our final pre-children years, I was so miserable and unhappy about our life without children, that I often failed to enjoy the moments that were passing us by. Dinners out, movies, and even our trips to Mexico felt like consolation prizes that I only got because I miscarried, my booby instead of baby prize. Then, after we finally had Will, our relationship went on the back burner as we learned to be parents and gave our all to our son.
Now, please don't worry. This is not going to turn into an admonishment to you still waiting for your miracles, because it's so not. I think the fact is, that if you had a missive from whatever God or being you believe in, stating that you would have children and even better, gave you a date on which that would occur, you probably could breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, "Pass me a margarita." It's the unknowing, it's the fact that you can't be sure you ever will have what your heart wants the most. It's wondering how long you'll have to wait and what you'll have to endure to get there.
I find it sad, however, that I didn't appreciate that time in our lives a bit more. I know there is nothing that I could have done then to change my feelings. They were real and justified and if I was to be put back in that time and place again, I would feel exactly the same way. But it was really nice to date my husband again tonight and I'm sorry it's been so long.