As If

Well, no spotting or anything out of the norm to report. I have had some mild cramping here and there and I am definitely more tired than usual. Although that could be due to the fact that I am running on a sleep deficit, rather than early pregnancy.

M and I have decided to treat this pregnancy "as if."

As if. . .

...we don't have the history we do.

...this is the "lucky" less than 25% shot that Dr. M told us we had at conceiving and sustaining a pregnancy on our own.

...come mid to late July of next year, we will have two children!

We have not told any family, we have only told three close friends that we know will be there for us if our "as ifs" end up not working.

I POAS'd this morning, because that's usually my first sign of impending miscarriage: pee sticks that fade. The second line came up immediately and is strong and dark.

I will be calling my OB today, and trying to schedule my first appointment. I'd love if we could have an ultrasound at maybe the 7 week mark and not have to wait until 11 or 12 weeks to have a peek.

I am trying to maintain my as if attitude and not ask for a ticket to the Beta Hell Ride. It's hard not knowing how everything is going, but I have learned only too well how cruel that game can be, offering either false hope or a rocky series of ups and downs. Even with Will, we had a wonky series of betas, and he obviously turned out just fine.

Speaking of my Little Man, he is sleeping much better. I took him to the pediatrician's office on Friday. After doing the modified CIO on Thursday, I was wracked with guilt over the possibility that he had an ear infection or some other medical issue that was interrupting his sleep. Though I do believe in the value of CIO, I don't believe in doing it on sick kiddos.

He has another sinus infection. Yuck. This is his fourth one in fifteen months. I feel that is a lot and his pediatrician agreed. She said there could be a bunch of underlying reasons, allergies or a structural issue with his sinus cavities or nasal passages. Or both. The only way to tell for sure is to get a CT scan and more blood/skin tests, so we have been referred to a pediatric ENT and back to our pediatric allergist. I am not so sure I am eager to return to the allergist. We did that when he was 9 months, over his milk sensitivity. The allergist basically told me at that point that skin and blood tests are usless prior to 24 months when it comes to definitively making a diagnosis of allergy. I guess it just seemed like a waste of time back then (why draw blood and poke at him if the answer won't really matter anyway) and it seems kind of the same now. But I am eager to get to the bottom of the issue. In addition to a lot of sinus and ear infections, he also snores quite a bit, which is not normal for a toddler. The visit to the ENT will sort out all of that, so I have scheduled that appointment first.

Even with the sinus infection, the pediatrician advised that we continue our modified CIO. She agreed with me that after so many nights, it was probably more of a habit and would be easier to break sooner rather than later.

Thursday was the worst night, by far, the longest he has ever CIO. It actually brings tears to my eyes to think of it. Friday was much better, with only maybe 20 minutes of crying that still broke my heart, but my resolve was a little stronger after our visit with his doctor. It also was stronger when he "only" cried for 20 minutes and we were rewarded with blessed silence. Saturday night and last night, we have heard only a whimper or two from the nursery. Neither M or I have actually had to get up to check on him. It has been very nice.

CIO is so traumatic and I think it is my least favorite part of parenting. Well, maybe guilt in general is my least favorite part of parenting. The pitfall of guilt is everwhere, even in my as-if pregnancy. I am thinking mostly about how everything will affect Will. If I am very sick in my pregnancy, will he suffer from lack of attention? If I am distracted with the new baby (which I most certainly will be), will he suffer? Will he be jealous? Are we ruining his little life? I wasn't really expecting these feelings, though I am told they are normal. I do worry that I can't possibly love another baby the way that I love my Little Man.