Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Taking Inventory

It shocks me how very few people outside of this blog know about our pregnancy.

First off, our decision to TTC was not "last minute," but it wasn't something that we struggled over for a long time. We always knew we would want to try for another baby, it was the "how" or "when" that was up for debate. We started talking specific timelines when Will turned one. We knew that, ideally, we would want our kids about two years apart, but we also weren't going to be picky. We'd take what we could get, when we could get it. Usually, when I have a big decision to make, I pick and chew at it for days, weeks, and months. I usually hem and haw and discuss the situation ad nauseum with friends. I think it's just what we girls do.

This decision wasn't like that. M and I made the decision to start TTC on our own, I ovulated a few days later, and that was it. Because it was our first month trying, I didn't even get the chance to discuss that ad nauseum. Two weeks later, I was staring at a postive pee stick (don't hate me, please).

So, unlike in previous TTC cycles, where everybody knew we were trying, and I felt like a watched pot, this cycle was so very quiet. Only one of my girlfriends knew it was even a possibility for us this month. Besides announcing it here, we really have told very few people. When I was pregnant with Will, after the IVF cycle, "telling" people was almost anti-climactic, because everyone already knew. If they didn't know, it was because they weren't friends or even acquaintences.

I have four close girlfriends that all know, but we haven't told any of our family. Two of those friends have husbands that are also friends with M, so they know. With our history, they also know that we can't be too excited until after we see a heartbeat and even that won't get me too excited. I mean, of course, I will be happy to see a heartbeat, but after losing Gummy Bear, we just know that's not a guarantee of a RLB*.

What is weird to me, most of all, is that two of my girlfriends who I was so close to when I was pregnant with Will don't have a clue. Both of them were women that helped me during the miscarriage times and both celebrated with us during our successful pregnancy. I would have called both of them "best" friends at different times in my life. And now, I barely talk to either of them, and when I do, I don't tend to get into the nitty gritty stuff, like this pregnancy.

There was no fight with these women, no drama, but we have just been drifting apart for quite some time. It makes me sad to see where our friendship has been, where it is now, and to wonder where it is going.

Reflecting on those relationships caused me to take inventory of my friendships in general. I lost a lot of friends while I battled with RPL. Some chose to step away, some I chose to step away from. When I was pregnant and things were going well, some friends came back into my life, some didn't. Since I had Will, I have lost more friends. I have also gained a lot of friends, too. Again, there has been no drama, no fighting, just a sense of different people with different purposes. I wouldn't even say that I have "lost" friends, because just when I think I might not hear from so-and-so again, the phone rings or I pick it up to make the call myself. It's just that people that once made up my friend world are now at the outskirts of it.

It brings to mind that the Reason, Season, Lifetime e-mail that circulates every once in awhile. It makes me feel a bit better to read that because I am not someone who lets go of people easily. I feel badly when a friendship fades and sometimes I try to resuscitate what should just be left to quietly pass. On the other hand, there are friends that I haven't made as much of an effort with as I should lately, and I really want to change that.

It's funny how the individual experiences in your life can make you reflect on the bigger picture, isn't it?

*Real Live Baby


Anonymous said...

I think that sometimes it's a lot easier to let go of a friendship that doesn't work rather than hanging on to it. I have so few close friends IRL and I think those are the relationships I cling to. The others I just go with the flow and see what happens.

That said, I'm so excited for you sweetie. Thinkng of you and wishing you the best! ((hugs))

Red said...

I think that is quite natural for friendship. As you go through different things you close circle changes.

I have so many girffriends that are still unmarried and living the single life. We catch up occassionally via email or in person but our lives are so different. By the time they do have kids I am sure we will be seeing each other more reguarly.