Wednesday, November 4, 2009

It Just Makes You Laugh

When I read Christy's comment in reaction to my announcement yesterday, where she said not to forget to have FUN as we TTC #2, I laughed. Out loud.

Because, you know, she is right. It's supposed to be fun. And yet fun wasn't even on my radar yesterday. I beat the fun right out of TTC #1. Well, actually the recurrent miscarriages probably did that for me, but I was right behind them with a stick.

I read my oldest posts and I kind of wince when I see the bitterness in those words. I was not a happy girl.

I do not want to go back to those dark days. I do not want to become that girl again.

I am not as unhappy and desperate for Baby #2 as I was for Baby #1. . . at least, not yet. That's what worries me. Fertility treatments become a game, a race, of sorts and what you will and won't do to reach the finish line changes. I can say now, "Well, if it isn't meant to be, it won't happen. . . "

But I also know that once we start TTC and I get more invested, and especially if we lose more babies, I will become more and more entrenched. I just don't want to lose myself in the process.


chicklet said...

Yea, it's gonna be hard not get sucked back into what CAN be the hell of it all. Hopefully though, that won't happen and maybe somehow this time it'll be different.

Polka Dot said...

Once I realized oh so many years ago that a pg wasn't going to happen without shots and drugs and all that, the fun came back to sex. I no longer referred to it as the BD since getting pg with BD is an impossibility.

So yeah ... try to remember to have some fun in the midst of the insanity you're about to re-embark (is that a word?!? lol) on. You know I'm pulling for you!