When I read Christy's comment in reaction to my announcement yesterday, where she said not to forget to have FUN as we TTC #2, I laughed. Out loud.
Because, you know, she is right. It's supposed to be fun. And yet fun wasn't even on my radar yesterday. I beat the fun right out of TTC #1. Well, actually the recurrent miscarriages probably did that for me, but I was right behind them with a stick.
I read my oldest posts and I kind of wince when I see the bitterness in those words. I was not a happy girl.
I do not want to go back to those dark days. I do not want to become that girl again.
I am not as unhappy and desperate for Baby #2 as I was for Baby #1. . . at least, not yet. That's what worries me. Fertility treatments become a game, a race, of sorts and what you will and won't do to reach the finish line changes. I can say now, "Well, if it isn't meant to be, it won't happen. . . "
But I also know that once we start TTC and I get more invested, and especially if we lose more babies, I will become more and more entrenched. I just don't want to lose myself in the process.