Friday, October 26, 2007

Sharing the Hurt

Yesterday, I received a phone call.

No. Wait. I need to back up a minute. This summer, when we started trying again, a fellow coworker (P) shared with me that she was TTC #2. She is an "older" mom (her definition, not mine) at 39, and after having a beautiful little girl two years ago, they were eager to jump on the train again before her egg factory shut down (also her words). I then told her that we were trying, too, and she knows a little bit about our history, so we became cycle buddies.

In August, she called me up and excitedly told me that she was pregnant. I was happy for her, although I was more than a little sad for me. That was the cycle that I had a chemical pregnancy on, so I was also jealous beyond words. I had a few "why her and not me" moments, to be sure.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a meeting with P. We flew down together, worked together during the meeting, and then flew home. I tried very hard to be a good friend to her, and listened to her pregnancy woes. P is very tiny and this is her second, so at 10 weeks, she was already started to pooch out a little bit. It was so hard to spend all that time with her. I desperately wanted to be pregnant, she had what I wanted. I didn't begrudge P her happiness, I just wanted to be there with her.

This past Tuesday, we had another meeting, this time with my entire workgroup. P had ended up telling our manager about her pregnancy, but was not planning on making a big announcement to everyone until she was safely past the 12 week mark and her first ultrasound. Our manager "outed" her a bit early, by making the announcement that day.

I sat next to P later that afternoon and looked at her with what can only be described as envy. I did not wish any ill to P or her unborn child. But as I watched her casually rest a hand on her abdoment or happily eat a second brownie for dessert and say "For the baby," my heart just ached. I couldn't figure out why some people have it so easy and some people have it so hard.

P and her husband are great parents. She desperately loves her little girl and talks about her all of the time. They deserve to be parents as many times as they would like. I truly held no grudge against P becoming a mommy again. But as I looked at her growing stomach that day in the meeting, I felt the sharp edge of jealousy ripping through my soul. I imagined her getting bigger, watching her feel the baby kick, and of course, I knew that there would be a shower.

P was sensitive to me. She knows what we have been through. She never once flaunted her pregnancy in front of me. She was just a naturally, happy carefree pregnant woman, who was excited about being a mommy for the second time.

P's 12 week ultrasound was yesterday. I had asked her to call me with the good news.

I got a phone call yesterday. P's baby had no heartbeat.

22 comments:

Missy said...

Oh gosh, there are just no words to describe the sadness I feel for you and your friend. You're both in my thoughts.

Fertilize Me said...

OH MY GOODNESS............... I'M IN TEARS. There are no words.. praying for you and your friend

Bonnie said...

I am so sorry. I just stumbled upon your blog (I'm a reader of Mrs. Piggy). Having gone through such similar feelings and experiences I can empathize with you.

Samantha said...

I'm thinking of both you and P.

alison said...

:( That's awful. Unexplanibly awful. Like you said though, you can "share the hurt" she is so lucky to have you through this devastating time.

Polka Dot said...

oh god ... there are never the words.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I know what it's like to feel the sting of "Why her and not me" but as much as we feel jealous we never EVER EVER want to get that call from a friend... that they've lost their baby. Never. And when it happens it hurts immensely and we cry with/for them. It's unbelievably sad how often this happens. I've been in this situation twice.

Elaine said...

Thinking of you and P during this difficult time. She's lucky to have you to share the hurt she is experiencing and that she probably now, more than anyone, understands what you have been going through too.

Anonymous said...

I had a similar thing happen to me a month back, my friend also undergoing IF called with great news. I was genuinely thrilled for her. A day later I broke down. It really hit hard cos it was my best friend. Three weeks later she found it was ectopic. I felt horrible. Sad for her loss and a terrible guilt for having felt the "why not me".

moosk said...

ugh... i'm sorry. for your friend... for you.

Tina said...

I am so sorry for your friend... Please let her know there are many of us thinking of her.

You are a good friend, despite the issues you have with your IF. I am sure her loss hurts you as well.

Laura said...

Oh no! My heart just dropped. I am so very sorry for your friend. I know this will be hard on you too. You are both in my thoughts.

Kim said...

Ugh, that's just so terrible. I hope that you're not feeling guilty for your envy, because this isn't your doing at all (as I'm sure you know)... but in any event, it's just awful. :O(

elephantscanremember said...

I am so sorry. I hope and pray that God will give comfort to all.

Searching said...

:( I'm so sorry for you both. Her little family will have my prayers.

Kristen said...

Oh no, that is simply awful. Please send my condolensces to P. I just hate hearing about loss. It happens too often nowadays. Poor thing.

I've been reading you but haven't had much time to comment lately with work being hellish. But I wanted to let you know I'll be testing on Monday with you! :)

Manda said...

Oh how awful. How terrible. So sorry to hear this awful news.

BrownEyedGirl said...

So such terriable news. You and your friend are in my thoughts. ((hugs))

Geohde said...

Oh my.

And after the pregnancy became widely public, too.

How so very very painful,

I am so sorry.

J

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I know that pain and it is indescribable. Sending positive thoughts to you and to P.

Anns said...

Oh no.........
No
No
NO.

Chili said...

That's so awful. I'm so sorry for P, and for you as well.

(First visit here, but I've already added you to me reader!)