Tuesday, October 16, 2007

On My Mark. . .

For me, one the hardest parts of infertility is the lack of control, the feeling that I can't do anything to help my situation. In all other elements of my life, I am a proactive person. When something isn't going right, I take the necessary steps to make it happen. Infertility is the first challenge that I have come up to where it doesn't matter how smart, funny, nice, etc., I am, or how clean my house is, how many friends I have, whether or not I have a good job, or am a good wife and "mother" to my furbabies. There doesn't seem to be a magical combination of anything that I can do to ensure pregnancy or that I won't miscarry. It seems that the only thing I can do is something that I was never very good at: be patient and wait.

There is a lot of waiting in a cycle. Waiting for your period to end, waiting for ovulation, waiting for the right time to have "timed intercourse," and finally, the waits of all waits, waiting to see if it worked. So infamous is that last phase of waiting, that it even has its own name, the Two Week Wait. Any infertile worth her digital HPT knows what the 2WW is and has lived through her life in hellish two week segments for longer than she can remember.

Even if you are not in an active TTC cycle, there is a lot of waiting involved. For me, it was waiting for three months in between my second and third loss, then waiting for that third loss before I could get help from a specialist. Then, it was a two month wait to get into the specialist. Then, when I was there, raring to go, it was still a wait to get into the doctor's schedule and make sure that the tests were at the appropriate time in my cycle. More waiting.

For a few glorious days in a TTC cycle, however, there is a flurry of activity. There is a sense of doing something for the cause, of accomplishment. There is much to do Cycle Day 10 - 14 between follicle check ultrasounds, injections, and then of course, the IUI and any extra activities you throw in to make sure conception takes place.

This is where I am, on the eve of activity. I have hope for this cycle, I really do.

17 comments:

Missy said...

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. The waiting, and waiting, and waiting is so hard. I sometimes wonder if the doctors realize that this is probably the hardest part of infertility, and how mentally and emotionally draining it can be. I hope that your next few days are successful and that your 2ww will go by fast.

Chris said...

I have hope for this cycle for you too . . . .

And yes, the waiting really, really stinks.

Melissa said...

Katie, I have buckets of hope for you, too. I really love the active part of any given cycle, too. It's the height of hope, the pinnacle of a promise that you could possibly, maybe, actually do it this time... if I could buy that feeling, I would. I think I am going to mooch off yours for a while since my month was so bogus. Fingers crossed!

laksh said...

You have such a nice way with words. You have summed up all that I have been feeling this past two weeks so well. I really hope this is it for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracy said...

Hi Katie,
Saw your post in my blog and had to come over here. I pray that you have success this cycle too. It's all about hope, isn't it?

So you know, we've decided to move on to donor egg. I haven't posted it in my blog, because friends and family pop in there, and we're going to keep it a secret. It's our future child(ren)'s secret to share...not ours.

I still plan to be around, but am keeping a seperate, secret blog for the initimate details. ;)

GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

Searching said...

I will hope for you too! Gosh darn it, you deserve it!! I sure wish we could fast forward our lives at times. Also wish we could see docs RIGHT NOW. Ever feel temped to say it's an emergency when it really isn't? Just to get in quicker... I have yet to actually do it, but I do think about it alot. But of course I think all my friends and I should get in ASAP to continue to pursue our dreams. Can;t wait to see what wonderful things these 2 weeks reveal, and then the next 2 weeks, and then the following 9 months (give or take- but not too much!). :)

Polka Dot said...

I agree - the waiting is the hardest part sometimes. Especially that friggin 2ww, which feels more like a 22ww.

I hope this is it for you! I'll be crossing all crossables and sending positive vibes your way.

jennifercarol said...

I'm 8dpo today so I couldn't agree more that the waiting sucks. Good luck with the follie checks, etc. I'm keeping everything crossed for you!

Fertilize Me said...

BOY can i relate to THIS ..I think this, for me, is part of hte reason Infertility and treatment and waiting are so hard for me. I am a go out a conquer kind of girl .. Problem/No problem.. research/get educated/fix said problem .. ... and with Infertility ..... It doesn't work that way ..No matter how hard I pray,want, relax, educate, meditate, be a good person, be a bad person ... makes No difference in the end result in my mind. I always have hope for your cycles!

My Reality said...

Oh how I hate the waiting.

infertility just sucks said...

Hello? Twin? How are you?

Patience is the one thing that I have never found within me. And, like you I've always been able to solve any problem with my willpower, organization and old-fashioned smarts.

And it is completely paralyzing to know that I can't do a damn thing about this except waste time in any one of a hundred ways.

My inner Type-A is screaming.

Like I told my husband the other day - it is simply exhausting to care about something so very much.

Von said...

I have so much hope for you................
Thank you so much for the post you left me. That made me shed a tear.
We are all here to help and support you during your two week wait.
XXXXX

Samantha said...

I know what you mean. It's always a relief after all that waiting to feel like you are doing something! I'll be hoping for you this cycle.

Mrs. Piggy said...

I definitely think you need to write a book on infertility! You convey everything so perfect :)
I am crossing my fingers for you this cycle (like every other cycle).
Please work!

Geohde said...

I hear you on the flurry of activity combined with the hurry up and wait rubbish.

IF just takes so damn LONG, even when you're chugging away as fast as you possibly can.

J

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Waiting is so hard. I hate it too. I relate to those feelings you expressed.... I'm usually a diligent worker, a compassionate person, and yet no character quality will help TTC!!!

Good luck, this is my favorite part of my cycle too.

Pamala said...

That is soo good. I don't understand half this stuff but good luck to you! :)