I Need My Fix

Update: Ugh. 4 PM. I am trying to be somewhat consistent in how long I am holding my pee and when I test. I have tested with about 4 hours of urine and at 4 PM every day since Monday. I got a negative Monday and a pretty good line yesterday and today. . . a negative. Well, at least I know that trigger's out. I think. Stay tuned for more craziness. Remember, I don't give up until 13 DPO. That's usually my positive day. If it's negative then, I cry. And have a glass of wine. Or three. Friday, here we come.

First of all, I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my post yesterday. It was a sad day, and not one person remembered, not even my usually sensitive and wonderful husband. He did remember, but only after I prompted him, and even then, it was kind of a "huh" moment for him, a "Why are we even talking about this?" sort of thing. Not in a mean way, he isn't a jerk like that, but he has a different perspective than me. He feels that we honor our angels best by moving on, living our lives, and eventually, bringing a baby home. I agree, for the most part, but there are certain days when, for me, I have to remember. So, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.

In other news. I now know what it's like to be severely addicted to something, even when you know it's not good for you. Yes, for those who have been following my blog since last cycle, you know what time it is. . . POAS time.

It is 11 DPO and 12 DPTrigger. Game time.

In preparation for this week's flurry of testing, I went to my usual haunt. The Dollar Tree Store. If I haven't been blindingly honest about how many tests I go through in the typical 2 WW, let me be now. It's a lot. It's probably sickening how many. But if I am honest, it is usually at least two per day, starting at 10 DPO until my period comes, which because I am on progesterone is about a week. And a few random tests thrown in for good measure at indiscriminate times. The reason that I am able to rampantly pee on pieces of plastic is that I don't pay the usual $5 bucks a test, I go on the cheap. The Dollar Tree Tests are fairly reliable, very sensitive, and get the job done. On 8 or 9 DPO, I go the the Dollar Tree and buy enough tests to satisfy my testing needs - knowing of course that as many tests as I buy will be as many tests as I use.

So, on 9 DPO and 10 DPTrigger, I stopped by the store and went to the usual aisle and. . . my heart literally stopped beating. No tests. Where the tests should be was a lovely selection of hemmorhoid creams. Okay, no panic, they simply must have moved the tests. In desperation, I swept down each aisle, but to no avail. No tests. Finally, I asked on of the clerks, who gave me a rather bored look and said, "We don't have any."

Wow. Thanks for being so helpful.

"I know you don't have any. Do you know when you will get your next shipment?"

"Nope."

Hmmm. Okay, okay, no need to panic. But I was panicking a little. I am on the frugal side and the thought of literally pissing away a lot of money on pee sticks made me a feel a little light headed and shakey. I thought to myself, This is what a crack addict must feel like when they can't get their fix.

I finally broke down and bought three two packs of Answer tests. With the one that I had at home leftover from last month's chemical pregnancy test-a-thon, that gave me enough to have one test per day through the weekend.

Since then, I have ridden the wild rollercoaster of addiction through SIX of the pee sticks. I know it is not good for me, it is never good for me. I take a 10,000 unit trigger shot, for pete's sake, that I know from experience is in my system until 11 or 12 DPTrigger. My reasoning is that I am "testing trigger out," but that just becomes a cruel game in itself.

• On Monday at 4 PM (10 DPT, 9 DPO): BFN
• On Tuesday at 7 AM (11 DPT, 10 DPO): Faint BFP
• On Tuesday at 4 PM (11 DPT, 10 DPO): Darker, but still faint BFP (Now, at this point, I get really excited. Trigger doesn't get darker, right?)
• On Wednesday at 1 AM (12 DPT, 11 DPO): Faintest BFP that you have ever seen (Yes, but trigger would fade. I'm a moron, that was just trigger that I got excited about yesterday.)
• On Wednesday at 7:30 AM (12 DPT, 11 DPO): BFP about as dark as the 4PM one from yesterday (Hmmm, so maybe I just didn't wait long enough last night, so that's why the faintness. . .)

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

TRIGGER? NOT TRIGGER?

PREGNANT? NOT PREGNANT?

See, it's never good for me. I really need to stop. But I can't seem to. It's funny, but it's almost as if I think that if I somehow just pee on enough sticks, I can will this to happen. That doesn't even make sense, for a logical person. But I passed Logic Town about five miscarriages back.