Sunday, October 7, 2007

I Remember

I actually feel almost like my "old self" in the days between when I realize that I cycle didn't work and when I have to start the medications again for the new cycle. I miss her. She was a fun gal. She spent her money on pedicures and Starbuck's, not pee sticks. She weighed about ten pounds less, wasn't bloated to the point of pants not fitting right. She laughed more and cried less.

I remember what it was like before my first miscarriage. I remember when my husband and I made love, for the express purpose of doing just that. Not for timing, baby making, sperm count, anything. Just fun.

I remember when I could go to Target without crying as I pass the baby aisle or cringing as I run into yet another melon belly. I remember being able to pick out gifts for baby showers and the arrival of a new baby without saying, "Screw it. They're getting a gift card. And not even a cute baby one. They are getting the one with the red spotted dog on it."

I remember when I could pee without thinking about how long to hold it or what type of stick (OPK or HPT?) to hold in the stream. I remember when I didn't wipe afterward and check either hopefully for EWCM or pray that there was no blood.

Yes. I remember all of that and more.

That's why these few days are kind of nice. No tests, no obsessing over symptoms. I'm still bloated, but at least I don't have to show a progesterone pill up my vajayjay.

But don't get comfy. Because I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be CD 1. It begins again.


Kristen said...

I miss my old self too. I see glimpses of her here and there. And I miss being a size 4/6. Now I'm comfortable at an 8.

I totally miss making love. We have sex now but I miss the passion and spontaneity.

I'm glad you'll get to be more like your old self soon. Enjoy those days - get yourself that gourmet coffee and a pedi. That would cheer me up :)

Samantha said...

It's tough, trying to find yourself after so much heartbreak. I hope you can find at least some glimpses hear and there.

Tina said...

It sucks that the fun/naive side of us is always sacrificed in this rollercoaster of IF and PG loss. It is not fair.

I hope that you can start enjoying some of those simple pleasures again.

infertility just sucks said...

I hear you. I've been seeing "the old me" show up over the past month and I didn't realize how far off the mark I had gotten. It's difficult when you see how much IF changes you.

I wonder if other people have noticed besides my husband. What must they think since they don't know the whole truth??

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I have had the same realization of wanting the old me to reappear. I don't think she ever can, as the old me was naieve and unaware of so much, and yet the old bounce back attitude and looking at what there is to be thankful for is worth trying to regain.

Fertilize Me said...

Preach on ... I miss the old me too ..some days I have splashes and remnents of her. She was a much more funnier, warm, loving person. I hope she returns to all of us soon

Missy said...

I can definitely relate to your message. One of the hardiest side-effects of infertility is the way it changes us. I know I'm not the same bright and bubbly person I was before we began this process, and it makes me scared to think of how much more I can change as we progress to different treatments.

I'm hoping that in these next few days your old self will return and help ease the pain of AF's arrival.

Melissa said...

i don't even recognize the old me in photos anymore. young, skinny, naive and oh so happy. loved that girl!

BrownEyedGirl said...

The old me...yes we all miss that person...but I'm afraid the old me is dead and's like the old me completely died with our first loss.

No one around me can understand how much this has affected me and why I'm not the same.

I wish the old me could come back a lot of times too, but I think I've laid that person to rest...and I think that's a bad thing.

How the hell do we get our old selves back? Between living in a gap and the old "me" being lost...ick.

JJ said...

The old me....yeah, I can relate to this post all too well...I miss the spur of the moment/just because sex--thats not a popular choice stinks BIG time how much this quest can steal from us.

I agree with Kristen--go get a big tall cup-o-joe and a pedi=)

Laura said...

I too get the occasional glimpse of the old me. It is unbelievable to me how much infertility can change you.

Debby said...

It's impossible for this journey not to change us. I like to think that on the whole, I'm being changed for the better, but there is so much innocence lost that can never be restored.

I hope that this week you are able to drink many lattes from starbucks - and not the skim kind - go for it and do the whole milk with extra whip.

My Reality said...

I remember my old self, but I don't know if I could get the old me back. I think it has been too long. I can only hope that becoming a mom, be it through IVF or adoption will bring about a better, new and improved me.

Von said...

Hi Katie,
I was so disgusted by the comments for those people about adoption, I couldn't leave a post. So bloody thoughtless.
Part of my struggle with IF has been the effort not to lose my spirit. It's such an easy thing to do if not careful.
Enjoy this time out to rediscover, if nothing else.

infertility just sucks said...

Sometimes I wonder if it's the IF that has changed me or if it's just life. We started trying to have kids as soon as we got the lack of crazy-monkey-sex more than a year into our marriage due to IF or just being married?

Am I angry about IF or just older and more cynical? Am I depressed or just going through life?

I hate that is it difficult to tell what's IF related and what's just life. That's the part that's hard for me to stomach...

Erin said...

Ok, so now I'm crying. I miss my old self too. I never knew how great she was!