12 DPO. BFN.
There will be some of my faithful commenters who will tell me not to lose hope. I love your faith and enthusiasm, but I am trying to be realistic and not have it hurt so much. It still hurts, the disappointment cuts like a knife through the hope that I had for this cycle.
I look around, at all the people - good and bad - who have babies, and I think: What did they do differently than us? Why did the fates give them a baby? What is wrong with me?
I recently went to a conference on Women's Leadership through work. The presenter said that there is something called "Living in the Gap," which a lot of people do. It means that you are not living your day to day life, but rather always looking forward to the next thing. You forget to enjoy the every day, bypassing it for the treasures of tomorrow. The only problem with the gap is that you are never truly happy. The treasures of tomorrow are not what they seemed to be, the grass actually has brown spots on the other side of the fence. So, you create a new wish list and a new set of treasures and continue living in the gap.
When it comes to having a baby, this is so definitely me. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy every day. And I don't. I live in this constant state of limbo, just trying to survive until my treasures of tomorrow come. The longer this takes, the more unhappy I become, and the further away it seems to be. I think "When I have a baby, I will be happy," but is this true?
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a girlfriend that scared the daylights out of me. A has eleven month old twins conceived through IVF. She rode the rollercoaster of infertility for 17 months. She knows it well. Her period started two months ago and she is already Living in the Gap again, thinking about thawing some of their totsicles and going again. "Katie," she warned me, "It doesn't stop when you have your babies."
Will this be true for me? If I don't learn to be happy with my life now, will I be back on this wild ride in just a couple of years, wanting baby #2 and ignorning baby #1 to get it? Will the treasures of tomorrow always entice me away from what I hold in my hands today?
Of course, today, all that I hold in my hands is a stick covered in my own pee. With one line, not two. Hardly a treasure.