In between dodging the ungrateful infertiles at the Adoption Fair this past weekend, I picked up some good information including a magazine cleverly titled "Adoption Guide 2007." I have been on a crazy work travel schedule this week, on a plane more than off of one, which gave me plenty of time to read the entire thing. Twice.
I cried several times during the read, especially when engrossed in the stories of suffering hopeful parents being united with their long awaited children. Tears coursed down my cheeks when I read about the "Waiting Children," the beautiful name given to children in an ugly predicament - they are "too old," "too emotionally disturbed," "too many," or "too something." Whatever the reason, they wait for their parents to come for them as I wait for a child to come to me. Does this strike anyone else as odd?
I feel awful when I think about this irony. I ache to hold a child and these children ache to be held. I yearn to be someone's mother and they yearn to be someone's son or daughter. I claim that all I want is to be a mom, but I think I might be lying. I do want to be a mother, but I want it on my selfish terms. I feel as if I have been cheated because I can't carry a baby to term. So, I feel entitled to have a newborn - fresh out of the hospital. My husband is also firm on this, he wants the baby experience, he wants the fairytale. But where is the fairytale for these waiting children? Where is their happy ending?
Adoption shouldn't be about selfish visions of the perfect newborn. It should be about fufilling our desire to be parents. We could have a Waiting Child in a few weeks if we wanted, the state expedites these things to clear up the system, and the costs are little to none. So, I guess we don't want to be parents that badly.
Maybe I am not ready to be a parent. Being a truly good parent is about being selfless. It is not about living your dreams through your children, it is about helping them to achieve theirs. Maybe this is why I haven't been able to have a baby? It has always been about making me happy, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a mother.
It is amazing what my own posts reveal to me at times. I have a lot of thinking to do.