I am still raw from yesterday.
Of course, it started with the BFN. I know that there are people out there that get positives later on, but for me, that has always been my threshold. Sure, I always hope that I am wrong, I even POAS this morning, because the tests are only a dollar, you know. BFN.
I tried to pull it together and did a pretty decent job, I thought. I had an early morning appointment and it was an important one. I didn't have time to cry or mope. I did manage call my RE's office and left a message for my doctor's medical assistant.
Surprisingly, friends, it was that message that would later become my undoing. See, here's the deal: This was our sixth medicated cycle. I have been doing A LOT of research and what I have found is this: if oral meds don't work within the first three cycles, they probably aren't going to. The success rates go down dramatically after that third cycle, and they aren't crazy high to begin with. This was only our second IUI, but the doctor had suggested doing two OR three cycles with oral meds before moving on to injectibles.
So my message to the medical assistant asked when Dr. M thought we should do next. I asked if we needed another face to face consultation or just a phone one.
T called back about two hours later and the conversation went like this:
Me: "So, it is 13 DPO and I got a negative pregnancy test today. Having been pregnant many times before, I know that I always get my positives by this point. I am pretty sure that this cycle didn't work. What does Dr. M think that we should do next?"
T: "Well, we always say, our patients know their bodies." (Said with a little undertone, meaning, I think, that I shouldn't give up hope yet for this cycle).
Me: "I won't stop taking the progesterone until tomorrow, just in case I had a late implanter, but I really think it didn't work."
T: "Okay. What can I do for you then?"
Me: "I wanted to know what Dr. M thinks we should do for the next cycle."
T: "I am reading your chart from your last appointment and it says that you wish to do two or three more cycles and then move to injectibles."
Me: "But what does Dr. M think?"
T: "I just told you. Two or three more cycles."
Me: "But I am not a doctor. Does she think that we should do another oral or just move to injectibles now?"
T: "I am reading your chart."
Me: "I know. I know what it says, but I would like to know what Dr. M says now that the two cycles have gone by. Does she recommend a third cycle?"
T: "It says that you wish to do two or three more cycles. So, I guess it's up to you."
I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation, which wrapped up in me making an appointment to start an injectible cycle. Here's the deal, though. Why am I making these decisions? Why isn't my RE being more proactive, taking the bull by the horns, and saying, "Let's go!" Why do I always have to be the one to pull the trigger on these things. Much as I consider myself the "expert," I am not. She is. So why can't she have a frickin' opinion? I even asked the MA what injectibles would do that oral meds hadn't done. She said that was a question for the doctor. Um, yeah, do you think I could talk to my doctor? Not a chance.
The other really frustrating thing for me about this cycle is that we cannot try in November. Usually, that is what gets me through a BFN. I ovulate early on meds, so our follicle scan is Day 10. I may be sad, but I can live ten days to try again. Unfortunately, a work meeting is Day 10 - Day 15. We will not be able to try this month.
So, December, here we come. Logically, I know that it will go by quickly, but emotionally, it sounds so very far away.
One more grain of salt to throw into the wound is that I have had amazing fertility insurance until this point. And I have never taken it for granted. I always have felt so fortunate to be able to make decisions without having to be too concerned about the financial portion. As of January 1, that all changes. We are going to be responsible for a huge portion of all of our fertility related medical procedures. Part of me wonders if we should just say screw it and see if we can't squeeze an IVF cycle in before January 1.
But I am scared to do IVF. It's the "last step." I have watched others be defeated in IVF and I have always wondered if I am strong enough to do it.
Sorry this post is so jumbled. I guess it's just a reflection of my feelings today. It's so hard to believe how happy I was last Halloween, seeing sweet Gummy Bear on ultrasound for the first time. And now I am so, so sad.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring.