Happy Birthday, Angel Baby

I should be having a birthday party today. My first child should be turning one.

I wrote this poem last year on the EDD of our first loss. It is amazing that a year has gone by. I remember this day clearly from a year ago and how sad I was then, when I wrote this, tears streamed down my face. What is even more sad to me is that it is still so true today except that there have been two more losses, more tests, no more answers.

But today isn't really about that. It is about remembering my first sweet angel, the baby that changed my life and made me the person that I am today. It is sad how I feel so much like a mother to all of my darlings, but have never had the chance to hold them. But it is that powerful love and the desire to hold my child that keeps me going in the face of all of this sadness.

On What Should Have Been Your Birthday

I'm rolling up my sleeve
Clenching my fist
Preparing for the needle prick
That's the part that hurts the worst
On what should have been your birthday

I'm lying of course
Because it really isn't the needle that hurts
It's not the blood that flows out
And goes into little vials
On what should have been your birthday

It's the wondering and the worrying
And the hoping and the praying
That they will find the answers
For why I keep losing my angels
On what should have been your birthday

Instead it is about discovering
How strong I can be in the face of tests and not knowing
I have lost you and three others since
And it seems as if each day gets easier and harder all at once
On what should have been your birthday

Press this cotton to stop the bleeding
I wish there was a big piece of cotton to stop the bleeding of my heart
I make another appointment for another test, the receptionist has a lovely smile
There is a long, lonely walk back to the car
On what should have been your birthday

Driving home, it is a beautiful fall day
Fall is my favorite time of year, but my heart isn't quite in it
I put up the decorations and watch the leaves start to fall
My tears fall with them and my breath catches
On what should have been your birthday

The phone call from the doctor
They still don't know what is wrong
The tests keep coming back normal, fifty percent of case are never explained
So I am on the floor, and my heart breaks into a million pieces
On what should have been your birthday

Minutes pass and of course, no answers come
I have to get up, clean the house, do laundry, go to work
Keep breathing
I dry my eyes and paste a smile on my infertile face
On what should have been your birthday

If this had all happened the way it was supposed to
I'd be in the hospital, learning to nurse you
I'd be holding you, smelling your sweet baby smell
But I am folding towels and Daddy's boxers
On what should have been your birthday

This day has been so hard
Commemorating what no one else remembers
I will always love you and keep you in my heart
Because that's the only place that you live
On what should have been your birthday

I am lying in bed
Sad and glad this day is over
The darkness in the room is lighter than the darkness in my heart
I have to accept, and it is so hard
This will never be your birthday


Dedicated to my sweet baby angel. I love you with all of my heart, today and always.

Love,
Mommy