Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Letters to Gummy Bear

I have kept a journal through each of my pregnancies. It has been with sad fascination that I have looked back on my progression through recurrent miscarriage. My first diary was so innocent and filled with hopes and dreams for the future with my baby. My diary with subsequent pregnancies is always hesitant. The ending is always the same, though. I always end up writing to an angel.

After that fantastic appointment with our RE, my journal entries took a carefree turn. I started writing to my baby, and the hopes and dreams for my future with Gummy Bear took shape. Here are some exerpts of things that I wrote to sweet Gummy Bear in the final two weeks of my pregnancy.

Friday, November 24, 2006

It doesn’t really matter what I do anymore. My favorite activity is really just sitting and thinking about you and how much I love you. I have waited what seems my entire life to be a mother. This past year has been filled with so much heartbreak and despair. Now, I feel as if the world is coming together in the way that it should. I still worry that I won’t be a good mother. What if I miss nights of uninterrupted sleep or being able to take a nice, long soak in my tub? Will I miss working? Will I miss being able to go out to dinner whenever the mood strikes? I don’t think so. I mean, some part of me might miss it, but really, I am not getting those things now. I wake up at least once a night to use the bathroom, I can’t sleep in anymore because the nausea wakes me up, and I certainly don’t want to go out to dinner! But I don’t miss those things and even at my sickest moments, I am just so grateful for each and every moment that I have with you. I love you with all of my heart and you mean the world to me.

Sunday, November 26, 2007

What a wacky weather day today! We woke up to SNOW! Daddy was so excited and Rocky (our dog) likes snow, too. It was only a couple of inches and we figured it would melt as the day went on. Daddy took my favorite blankets that I like to cuddle with and threw them in the dryer, so that when I came downstairs, he could cover me with them. It felt so cozy! I love it when Daddy does those extra little things for me and he does them all of the time now. He is always a considerate husband, but this pregnancy, he can’t do enough for me. I know it is also his way of doing things for you. Daddy is going to be a wonderful father and I can’t wait to see how the two of you interact.

As the day progressed, the snow did start to melt a little, but then it started to freeze up again and the snow came down harder. We lost power for a couple of hours in the afternoon. We listened to Christmas carols on the emergency radio that Daddy has and cuddled on the couch. Luckily, the gas fireplace stayed on, so we weren’t cold. When the power came back, we decided to stay lazy and ordered pizza. The food took a long time to get here with the snow – we now had over 6 inches! Of course, after one smell of the pizza, I couldn't eat, but Daddy ate our share!

It snowed really hard in the evening and we sat on the front couch to watch. It was so beautiful to look at and part of me wanted to get on all of my snow gear and take a walk. But most of me was too tired, and that part “won.” I sometimes feel a little guilty at how very lazy I am. However, I read in one of my pregnancy books that there is no such thing as a lazy pregnant woman, because even when you are sitting down, your body is working as hard as if it was climbing a mountain.

I know I sure feel as if we have climbed a big mountain together, Sweetheart. I look at your picture on the counter at least twenty times a day. I carry another copy in my purse and it is all I can think about. I love that little gummy bear shape. I love to picture you growing nice and strong in there.

I have to admit, I hate feeling so sick. I throw up many times every day, but I also like knowing that as crappy as it feels to me, it means that everything is working for you inside. You are worth everything to me.

Friday, December 1, 2006

I did something today that made me happy and nervous all at once. Grandma wanted to go to Target to show me the sleigh bed-style crib that she wants to buy for you. We looked at the clearance maternity clothes and I found a pair of lounging pants and shorts that were so cheap that I couldn’t resist. Still, after I had bought them, I felt kind of funny about it, like I had done something wrong. I will need things to wear as time goes on, but I really didn’t need them now. It still gave me such a happy little feeling to buy them, though, so I guess I am glad that I did. And I will definitely be glad to put on those lounge pants!

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Something strange happened last night and I am a little scared. I was sick before I went to sleep, but finally managed to drift off. I woke up at 3:00 AM and felt as if I had to go to the bathroom. I got up, used the toilet, and as I was sitting there, I had one sharp, awful cramp. The strange this is that this cramp felt EXACTLY like the cramp I had when I lost my first pregnancy. You don’t forget a feeling like that. I immediately panicked, looking for bleeding. But there was none. I was breathing too fast and felt dizzy. I made myself drink some water and get back into bed. I reasoned with myself that I have been feeling so sick and there has not been any spotting. When I had that one cramp in January, I had already started bleeding in the morning just a bit. And I started heavily bleeding the very next day. I prayed to God that you were all right and then also prayed that I wouldn’t lose you away from Daddy and home. I managed to get to sleep, but not for a long while.

I have been really sick all day. I am glad for that and also glad to have no spotting. I drove home this morning and when I got here, Daddy had vacuumed the house and it looked really nice. I tried eating lunch, but no such luck. By dinner time, I was frustrated, because I hadn’t kept anything down since yesterday at lunch. I was feeling weak and tired and kind of wanted to take the prescription the doctor had given me when I went to the ER, but I don’t want to risk hurting you.

Daddy was so sweet to me. He decided that the best course of action was to get me to eat small bits of food all day. He gave me three spoonfuls of applesauce every twenty minutes and a Wheat Thin cracker, too. I kept a couple of portions of that down for a bit, but eventually, that came up, too. I think we were both a little worried, but it distracted me from the pain that I had last night.

I know that I need to get a grip on my fear. I am so sick, which everyone says is a good sign. I also know that we saw you on ultrasound just a little over a week ago and you were fine. It is just so hard not to worry when I feel as if my life would be over if I lost you. The sad part is, now I am starting to do something that I haven’t done for this whole pregnancy. I am checking for spotting now and worrying about you. I am glad we have an appointment in less than a week so that I can see for myself that I have nothing to be worried about.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Everything seems extra beautiful to me this year. I kept thinking about how next year, you will be here and our lives will seem complete. Last Christmas was the first year that I felt that something was truly missing in our lives. We have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am, but I started to have a feeling of, “Something is missing.” We have a lovely home, good jobs, and a wonderful relationship, but no child to share it with. I know Daddy feels the same way. Last Christmas, I told him I wanted a baby by this Christmas. As usual, Daddy finds a way to get me what I want! I love presents and I won’t pretend that I don’t want anything this year. In fact, I would love to get something special that I will always remember getting when I was pregnant with you. But I also know that nothing can compare to the special gift I am already getting!

Getting to this point has not been easy and I feel as if we deserve to take pleasure in even the smallest moments. I am glad that Daddy and I get to be this happy and that we get to be your parents. It is going to be such a wonderful adventure filled with days of “nothing special” turned extraordinary.

The ultrasound dating would later reveal that the baby stopped growing the night of the cramp. But that is tomorrow's post.


BrownEyedGirl said...

I can't even find the words Katie...((Katie)) You are so special!

Today I realized something that helps to comfort me...my thinking is that God wanted my babies to be his Angels so much, he choose to take them back to Heaven. I don't know if this comforts you any, but it has comforted me all day today since I realized this.

Take care Sweetie!

Geohde said...


so poignant and sad,



Missy said...

This entry just breaks my heart. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

Samantha said...

That is a beautiful diary. Any child will be lucky to have you as a mother.

Polka Dot said...

Such beautiful entries to your baby. Your love and hope can be felt in every word.

Tracy said...

Someday you will have a baby, and they will be so incredibly lucky to have you as a mommy. Thinking of you...

Fertilize Me said...

what a beautiful idea. and a beautiful expression of love

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Hi Katie. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I just read all of your blog entries (yay for killing a few hours at work! :). Your blog is so heartfelt, and I am hooked. Good luck this cycle, I'll keep reading. :)

eta: sorry I somehow deleted my first comment. doh!

Anonymous said...

You write so beautifully! I really really really hope you and Daddy will have a special lil baby to share your love with.

jennifercarol said...

My heart just aches for you in reading those journal entries.

I completely remember that snow storm too. (To those in colder climates, 6 inches of snow in Seattle does constitute a "snow storm".)

K said...

My heart is just breaking reading these entries. Such an amazing gesture of love. ((Katie)) Take care.

Searching said...

Thank you for sharing your sweet baby and yourself with us. *hugs*