The Waiting Game

Ah, the Two Week Wait. It is really way too early to start counting days past ovulation. But in case anyone (me) is counting: 2 DPO.

It's too early even for me to start obsessing. So, I won't.

Instead, I will reflect on what happened to a dear friend of mine today. For once, I didn't get the short end of the fertility stick, she did. And I am so sad for her.

I will call her J. She is a relatively new friend. A friend of a friend who is turning out to have more in common with me than that mutual friend that introduced us. She has male factor issues that are of the variety that means they went straight to IVF without messing around with IUIs or anything of that nature. In other words, it's pretty bad.

She is part of a social group that I am not part of. In this group, there are five females besides J. This is her church group and they see each other multiple times a week and are close friends. They are all married and so their husbands hang out, too. There are three others besides J that are experiencing fertility battles. All three got pregnant by miracle, IVF, or IUI this last month. The fourth already had a baby and just started trying for number 2. She announced her pregnancy today. That's right. J is the only one of her closest group of friends that is not pregnant. And it is tearing her apart.

She started a suppression cycle last month and it was messed up. They finally decided to give the injectibles a go and that got cancelled today. J is devastated. Not only does she have to deal with the disappointment of a botched cycle and a whole month of waiting to try again, but all of her friends are pregnant. I cannot even imagine.

I hate infertility. I hate what it does to good women, who only wanted the most natural thing in the world. I hate the fact that it makes us question ourselves as wives, potential mothers, friends, even question ourselves as women. I hate the fact that it makes us feel so alone. I hate the fact that it robs us of our innocence. I hate the fact that it makes us play mind games with ourselves. Maybe if we didn't want a baby so badly, then we would magically get pregnant. Maybe if we just relaxed. I hate it for myself. I hate it for J. I hate it for you.