Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Deja Vu

This chemical pregnancy is almost exactly like the one that I had last August.

After we lost the third pregnancy and then had the appointment from Hell with my not-so-nice OB/GYN, my husband and I decided to just throw caution to the wind. I hadn't even had a period yet, so there was no way to know exactly when I ovulated, but we got pregnant again immediately after our third loss.

This probably wasn't smart and I've always felt a little guilty about this. However, it doesn't seem to make a difference whether we wait or not. The result seems the same.

I got the positive pregnancy test the day before my period was due. But once again, when I was done POAS, as the positive was coming up, I noticed that I was spotting. I never went to the doctor for a beta, but over the course of the next few days, I watched the tests get lighter and the bleeding get heavier. Finally, the tests were negative.

I took this fourth chemical pregancy with a sinking heart. I almost didn't want to count it in my pregnancy count, sometimes I don't, because I am embarrassed about getting pregnant again right away. But it happened and I really don't think that made the difference.

These early chemical pregnancies really suck. You don't even get time to get excited. You just get a taste of the happiness and then it is snatched away. And then you are left to feel guilty about the glass of wine that you drank or stopping the progesterone.

I am so depressed.


Kristen said...

This really sucks. I am so sorry. With my first loss, it was at 5 weeks and things were not progressing well from the start so I never had time to really process what was happening. I had a good week to think we might pull through but I was spotting so I knew it wasn't looking good.

Please don't blame yourself for getting pregnant again so quickly. I know many people who did the same - some were able to have healthy pregnancies and others miscarried again. It is definitely not your fault at all. These things just happen and unfortunately, they happen repeatedly for us.

I'm sending lots of hugs your way. This is just so hard and so unfair. XOXO

Courtney said...

I am so sorry that you are having to experience this now, let alone more than once. Please know that I am feeling your pain and sharing it with you.

We will get past this...

Laura said...

I hate that this has happened to you and your husband again. I agree with Kristen about trying not to blame yourself for getting pregnant so quickly after your last loss (easier said than done!). I was actually told by my gyn after my early loss to try again right away because she said women are typically very fertile after a loss.

I wish there was something I could say to help ease your pain.

Searching said...

Oh, I am SO SO sorry!!! It's so unfair that this is happening to you again. :( Please be gentle with yourself. ((hugs))

Rebel With.A.Cause said...

Katie, I am so sorry sweetie...... HUGS

Debby said...

Wouldn't it be great if life was fair? I am SO sorry for your loss. It suck, suck, sucks! I think the chemical pregancy I had(which by the way - I hate that term as I'm sure you do as well - makes it sound so "science" and not real) was the most unfair of them all. Just so wrong to have something so good dangled in front of you and snatched away.

I hope amazing and great things for the next time around. For now, I hope you had some rest and peace this weekend and good quality time with the husband.