Deja Vu

This chemical pregnancy is almost exactly like the one that I had last August.

After we lost the third pregnancy and then had the appointment from Hell with my not-so-nice OB/GYN, my husband and I decided to just throw caution to the wind. I hadn't even had a period yet, so there was no way to know exactly when I ovulated, but we got pregnant again immediately after our third loss.

This probably wasn't smart and I've always felt a little guilty about this. However, it doesn't seem to make a difference whether we wait or not. The result seems the same.

I got the positive pregnancy test the day before my period was due. But once again, when I was done POAS, as the positive was coming up, I noticed that I was spotting. I never went to the doctor for a beta, but over the course of the next few days, I watched the tests get lighter and the bleeding get heavier. Finally, the tests were negative.

I took this fourth chemical pregancy with a sinking heart. I almost didn't want to count it in my pregnancy count, sometimes I don't, because I am embarrassed about getting pregnant again right away. But it happened and I really don't think that made the difference.

These early chemical pregnancies really suck. You don't even get time to get excited. You just get a taste of the happiness and then it is snatched away. And then you are left to feel guilty about the glass of wine that you drank or stopping the progesterone.

I am so depressed.