It's been over a year and a half since my first miscarriage plummeted me down the Trying To Conceive rabbit hole. I know there are a lot of people out there that have been trying for a lot longer than I have, but I am starting to consider myself a veteran. Lucky, lucky me.
An interesting question was posed to me some time ago, by another IF veteran. She was about six months pregnant with her twins conceived through IVF when I had my third loss. She asked me if I thought it was harder to have miscarriages or never conceive. I said that I wasn't sure, having never really experienced challenges with conception, but that I knew that miscarriages were pretty darn awful, that it really isn't a matter of which is worse, because it all sucks. About a week later, a coworker who was also having difficulty conceiving told me that she would rather conceive and then miscarry than never conceive at all. I've got to be honest, at the time, that really pissed me off, and I told her the same thing, that both are awful. And when she finally did get pregnant, a very small, very mean part of me wished that her words would come back to haunt her. Her baby was recently born healthy, and I really am sorry for my mean thoughts, but she just wasn't a very nice person, and I was jealous.
So, now I am four months into TTC. This time, we have a lot of help. And it's not working. So, I can answer my friend's question now. It is much harder to TTC and never get those double lines than to miscarry. This is a bold statement, I know. But the thing is that when you never get pregnant, then you never known the pure joy of seeing those double lines, of showing your husband, of seeing your baby's heartbeat on ultrasound. No matter how much I have cried, how much I have hurt, when I lost each of my sweet angels, the moments that I had with them are some of the greatest that I have known. Miscarriage sucks. But in the spirit of the old adage "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," it sucks more to never get the chance to love that baby so much.
However, I still come back to the same answer that I gave my friend and my coworker last year. It really doesn't matter what our infertility looks like, there really is no "worse". Me, who has been pregnant five times, or someone who never has gotten there. We are both still in search of our dreams. None of us have babies in our arms. And I hate it for all of us.