Thursday, September 27, 2007

Calendar Girl

I just realized something. If I get pregnant this cycle, I will be only one week behind when I was pregnant with Gummy Bear last year.

Who is Gummy Bear? Gummy Bear was the name for our little baby that we lost at 11 weeks on December 12, 2006. When the 8 week ultrasound picture popped up, the first words out of my mouth were, "Awww, it looks like a little Gummy Bear." And the name kind of stuck.

I haven't written much about that pregnancy. It is still too painful, I think. It's been nearly nine months since we lost Gummy, but I still think about him or her every day. In my heart, I feel it was a little boy, for no other reason than the fact that I had a dream about a sweet baby boy two days before I found out that I was pregnant. That image has always remained whenever I think about that little gummy bear shape.

However, most people seem to feel that Gummy Bear was a girl. My mom said that I had a "look," which although clearly not scientific, she is right a lot of the times. I also was horribly sick with the pregnancy, losing over 10 pounds and ending up in the ER for fluids twice. I was about to go on an anti-nausea medication when we found out that we had lost the pregnancy. Most people associate really awful morning sickness with girls. We will never know.

The last ultrasound we had was at 9 weeks, 2 days. Little Gummy Bear's heart thumped away at 176 bpm. At our 11 week appointment, there was no heartbeat and the baby measured 10 weeks, 1 day. My doctor had jury duty, so the D&C was delayed by another five days. This all added up to a dismal phone call six weeks later in which a bored tech told me that "No culture had grown." We had no answers for our loss. As usual.

Being pregnant with Gummy Bear was the sweetest, most wonderful experience of my life. It seems as if every moment has been burned into my brain. We had our first ultrasound on Halloween, told my parents on Thanksgiving, celebrated our seventh dating anniversary at the ER when I hadn't kept anything down in 48 hours. This time of the year almost seems to belong to that pregnancy.

So. It will be okay if this month didn't work, right? Then I won't have to relive those echoes of the past.

5DPO. I know it's early, but I have convinced myself that it didn't work. And I am trying to be okay with that.


Kristen said...

I love your angel's nickname. Unfortunately, you lost your baby on my birthday. Kinda taints that day for me now that I know what happened :(

I don't know what sex my angels were but I had a feeling with this last one it was a girl. EVERYONE said that. And the first loss was way too early to get a feeling but I still think boy.

I'm crossing my fingers during your 2ww.

Debby said...

My culture from my last d&c also did not grow. I kind of think of it as a blessing in disguise. While there were no answers, which was frustrating, I was quite stressed about deciding to find out the sex or not. I knew I really wanted to know, but thought it might hurt more to have that information. So instead my culture didn't work and I never had to make the decision.

I hope that this 2ww flies by for you - and that you have peace with any outcome. And as your fall continues on and all these dates to remember pass that you'd be able to remember in honor of your gummy bear without too much pain.

Alyssa said...

Oh, Katie, what a sad, sweet story about Gummy Bear. I am so sorry for your loss and for the difficult memories this time of year unearths.

But, I have high hopes and happy thoughts for you this cycle. I hope your 2ww seems more like 2 minutes and that all is well in your heart and in your life.

Polka Dot said...

I'm so sorry this time of the year has that type of memory attached to it.

If you're not pg, that'll be ok. But if you are, it won't be a disservice to the one you lost.

Mel said...

Hopefully the pain of the memory will get better in time. Lord knows it will never go away completely, but hopefully the joy your future holds will help ease that.

Stay as positive as you can-you never know, THIS could be it for you. ;)

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

What a touchingly sweet entry.... It's kind of you to share about your precious little Gummy Bear...

I don't know what would be easier for you - to conceive this month or not to, but I pray it all works out for you... It's hard to keep hope alive when you've been disappointed again and again.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart