I just realized something. If I get pregnant this cycle, I will be only one week behind when I was pregnant with Gummy Bear last year.
Who is Gummy Bear? Gummy Bear was the name for our little baby that we lost at 11 weeks on December 12, 2006. When the 8 week ultrasound picture popped up, the first words out of my mouth were, "Awww, it looks like a little Gummy Bear." And the name kind of stuck.
I haven't written much about that pregnancy. It is still too painful, I think. It's been nearly nine months since we lost Gummy, but I still think about him or her every day. In my heart, I feel it was a little boy, for no other reason than the fact that I had a dream about a sweet baby boy two days before I found out that I was pregnant. That image has always remained whenever I think about that little gummy bear shape.
However, most people seem to feel that Gummy Bear was a girl. My mom said that I had a "look," which although clearly not scientific, she is right a lot of the times. I also was horribly sick with the pregnancy, losing over 10 pounds and ending up in the ER for fluids twice. I was about to go on an anti-nausea medication when we found out that we had lost the pregnancy. Most people associate really awful morning sickness with girls. We will never know.
The last ultrasound we had was at 9 weeks, 2 days. Little Gummy Bear's heart thumped away at 176 bpm. At our 11 week appointment, there was no heartbeat and the baby measured 10 weeks, 1 day. My doctor had jury duty, so the D&C was delayed by another five days. This all added up to a dismal phone call six weeks later in which a bored tech told me that "No culture had grown." We had no answers for our loss. As usual.
Being pregnant with Gummy Bear was the sweetest, most wonderful experience of my life. It seems as if every moment has been burned into my brain. We had our first ultrasound on Halloween, told my parents on Thanksgiving, celebrated our seventh dating anniversary at the ER when I hadn't kept anything down in 48 hours. This time of the year almost seems to belong to that pregnancy.
So. It will be okay if this month didn't work, right? Then I won't have to relive those echoes of the past.
5DPO. I know it's early, but I have convinced myself that it didn't work. And I am trying to be okay with that.