Most of the time, I feel that I am "all right." I am sad when I see a cute baby, or hear a little toddler call for her mother. I am sad when people make thoughtless comments. I do a lot of my venting here, and I certainly have bad days when I think about my lost angels and just want to crawl into bed and never get out.
But I still go to work, I still keep the house clean, my marriage is on track, I have a lot of friends, I keep breathing.
Then, something really silly happens and I realize that my entire perspective on life has been changed by our inability to have children. Last night was one such moment.
We went to a friend's house for dinner and a movie. They were really excited for the movie part, because they had just rented the movie "Knocked Up." They had seen it in the theater and thought it was the funniest movie! Now, I had chosen not to see this particular movie in the theater. It was out around the time of our EDD with Gummy Bear, and I just thought it seemed too much.
Spoiler alert for those who have not seen it and want to - but I don't recommend doing so! This movie SUCKS for anyone going through infertility. The general premise is that a successful woman hooks up with a loser guy for ONE night at a bar and ends up pregnant. The scene where she takes the pregnancy test is particularly poignant for a POAS-aholic like me. The whole time that she is waiting for the results to come up, she is praying that it will be negative. Then, the little smiley face pops up and she thinks that is a negative and is relieved. Until her friend tells her that a smiley face is a "bad thing."
It gets worse from there, with scenes with ultrasounds, baby showers, the delivery. I suppose there are some good lines here and there, but with my twisted perspective on life, even the funny lines were sad. About half way through, there is a scene where he is feeling the baby kick, and I just about lost it.
Our friends know what is going on, but as fertiles (their beautiful two month old infant was sleeping away upstairs in his darling nursery), they just couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't find this movie funny. A part of me wishes that I wasn't so scarred by what life has handed us lately. But when you have been at an ultrasound appointment and have seen that still, lifeless form of your baby, where just days ago, a little thumping flash was and now, just stillness remains, I guess a part of you is changed forever. And some things just aren't funny anymore.