Saturday, September 8, 2007

Um, About that Last Post. . . Um. . .

I am almost afraid to type it. For three reasons:

1) Maybe it's not true. Perhaps it's still trigger and those four hundred (or so) BFNs of the last two days just weren't sensitive enough to pick it up.

2) If I am, then what if I miscarry again? I am so scared of that.

3) What if you, my kind and gentle readers, having just found my blog, read the words and find out that I am, and then go off to read other blogs and never come back because now I am one of "them"?

In case you haven't guessed (and I give you way more credit than that), my situation has changed since this morning. In fact, mere seconds after I posted that last post, I went back into the bathroom, and the second line had appeared. I am not kidding.

Now, here's the bugger. It was after ten minutes and the line was not in the middle of the plus, but a lot to the left. With shaking hands, I showed my husband and he said, "There IS a second line, but it's not in the right place."

Finally, I caved. I hate spending a lot of money on pee sticks, but it was time for a digital. I went to my emergency stash of high end tests (reserved for times just like these). It took a long time for the little hourglass to stop blinking, but when it did.. . . the word that we all dream about was there. I ran back downstairs and showed my husband and we had our little Hallmark moment.

Of course, I am pleased. But I am scared out my gourd. Remember that the getting pregnant was never the problem (and my apologies to those who do have issues with the getting part, I do not mean than in a flip way at all) for us, but rather the staying pregnant. We have never identified any issues that we can fix. This whole "Perfect Cycle" thing is really just my REs way of keeping our business. What makes me think that this will end any differently than the five pregnancies before it? Who am I to have that Hallmark moment?

Pregnancy has never ended happily for me. I pray with all of heart and soul that this time is different. But I am going to need a lot of support. This is where the journey really begins.

And to Polka Dot. . . You were right. Thanks for helping me keep the faith! It's your turn now.

1 comment:

Polka Dot said...

Yay!! I purposely checked back because I knew you'd be a testing mad woman (aren't we all? hah) and I was hoping all sorts of hopes a line of some sort, no matter how faint, would show up.

And I'm glad it did. Honest.

Try not to worry about us. No matter how many crumb snatchers you bring into the world, you'll still have a home in this one. There's a huge difference between 'us' and 'them' and you've (unforunately) more than earned your seat at the 'us' table.

I, for one, will continue to come here.

I'll pray for good and I'll celebrate it with you. No matter what, you're a sister in this struggle and any victory you have is a victory for all of us.