What's Meant To Be

Two years ago, M and I wrestled with the decision of whether or not I should give up my career to stay home with Will. It should have been an easy decision, based on the fact that being a SAHM is everything I ever said I wanted to be. Life is never that simple, though, and it was much harder to walk away than I thought it would be.

After months of angst, we went with our orginal plan. I gave up the financial security of working outside of the home to raise Will. It felt "emotionally" right, even if my logical, always-need-to-have-a-five-year-plan self was freaking her freak out.

For the most part, I did not regret it. But there were moments when I thought about the path not taken. A few months ago, I needed to take our dog to the vet, so in I went. I was six months pregnant, I had Will in the stroller, and Rocky on a leash. I was covered in fur (Rocky gets nervous at the vet) and cracker crumbs (Will gets hungry at the vet) and wearing jeans and a zip up hoodie. I hadn't had much time for a shower or makeup that day, so my hair was in a ponytail and I barely had lipgloss on. I was looking and feeling every inch the stereotypical SAHM.

In walked a sales rep for a veterinary pharmaceutical company. She was every inch the stereotypical sale professional. She wore a suit and amazing shoes and walked with a confident bounce. I looked at her and felt a strange twinge of envy. She chatted up the front desk staff being before ushered into the backroom, but I kept thinking about her after she had disappeared behind the doors.

Now I am being offered an opportunity to rejoin the professional world. The emotional part of me is still screaming that it's too soon and I don't want to leave my bay-bees. The logical part of me knows this might be my last chance to get back into the industry I left. While the timing isn't the greatest, would I ever really want to go back? And this is my chance to help bring my family the financial security that we otherwise might have to live without.

We talked to a girl at church that we know from the nursery. Will has always loved her and she seems to have a soft spot for him. She is currently trying to decide whether to take another nanny job or go back to school. She was clearly flattered that we asked her and needs a few days to think about it. Which is okay, because I feel as if I still need a few more days to think about it, too.

I feel as if I am in a major war between my heart and my head. My head is telling me that this is the logical thing to do, my heart is arguing valiantly. I feel as if when you are a parent, you ultimately need to do what is right for your children. I guess the problem is when I am no longer sure what that is.