I hate it when a plan does not come together.
A few months ago, I posted that we had enrolled Will in preschool. Although I was a bit wistful that my little guy was old enough for such a venture, I was excited, as it would give me some one on one time with Emma and it would also be something just for him once a week.
Well, things didn't exactly work out. My girlfriend who was going to do the preschool with me was going to take Emma (and I was going to take her little girl) on the days that we were working in the classroom (supposedly once per month). So, that still left two days a month of "me n' Emma" time.
Then my girlfriend decided to do another preschool that her mom helps run, so she could go for free. So, that meant that I was going to have to figure out what to do with Emma on classroom days. At first, I hoped to take her along in the Ergo, but that's against the co-op's rules. They do have a younger sibling co-op, but of course, that means you have to return the favor. So now, I was back down to two free days and having to go and bring Emma and Will to the younger siblings co-op on the second day.
Then I got the work schedule. And I was scheduled for two days. I guess our class is short on parents somehow, so we'll be volunteering twice a month for at least the first half of the year. So now that meant that I would also have to be in the sibling co-op for two days, leaving absolutely no Emma time and schlepping both kids there every week. Ugh.
Then I got my committee assigment. Each parent has to do a committee assignment which is an additional task. Mine are bulletin boards that have to be maintained. Not a huge deal, but another day I have to come it, decorate the boards, and figure out what to do with my kids or watch them while I do it.
Then I got the parent meeting calendar. Once a month, there are mandatory parent meetings where kids are not allowed and childcare is not provided.
All of this for two hours, one day a week. I kind of started thinking that it just wasn't worth it.
I realize that I should have figured all of this out in the beginning when we registered. I guess I was in the second trimester honeymoon phase of pregnancy and didn't figure into the equation how tired I would be with a newborn. This all just seems like too much effort and makes me tired and even more anxious just thinking about it all. But part of me feels as if I should cowgirl up and put forth the effort anyway, because I don't want to shortchange Will because I am too tired. And other parents are doing this, so what's wrong with me for feeling overwhelmed by it?
After my girlfriend backed out and I was trying to decide what to do, we happened to have Will's two year exam, so I asked Dr. Swanson what she thought about preschoool for him. She said as long as he was being socialized in other ways (and I truly feel that he is), it was not a big deal and to look into preschool next year when life isn't so crazy (and two of my other girlfriends are doing non co-op preschools, so I have the advantage of letting them go first and road testing it for me). She said that she didn't even start her own son in pre-school until he was three. So, I felt better.
But I was still feeling like a Loser Mom who was failing her kid. So, I didn't tell the school (officially). Hey, we paid our non-refundable deposit to hold our spot, so I figured I had the luxury to make up our minds. I figured the fact that we didn't go to any of the twenty million (seriously, a lot) of class playdates, picnics, orientations, and Meet the Teacher Days would be a clue.
Well, today was the official orientation for his age/day/class. I finally reconciled myself to the fact that it just was't happening, so we didn't go. I just feel badly about it. I keep thinking that he'll be so behind the other kids at preschool next year and that a better woman would have found a way to make it all happen.