So, I feel like I am still "okay."
However, that feeling of panic, that feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and works its way up into my chest as the afternoon and evening progresses?
It has started again. It started Friday.
It's mild and I am talking to M about it (vs. last time, when I didn't tell anyone). I am also writing about it here. Sometimes, I think just putting something out there helps.
I know it has a lot to do with sleep deprivation. My babies just aren't great newborn sleepers. I keep reminding myself that means squat as far as long term sleeping, since Will (generally) sleeps great. Unfortunately, I look at other newborns who are sleeping much more and think "What am I doing wrong?" Logically, I know I am not doing anything wrong, but I second guess myself and the anxiety creeps up a bit higher in my throat.
Yesterday was just a bad day. Emma wouldn't let me put her down, she wouldn't nap alone, she wouldn't stay in her swing alone, she basically required one of us to carry or hold her at all times. And this was on top of the two to three hours of broken sleep I got the night before. I started counting the days since she had a bowel movement and realized it was four. That can't feel good.
So, I gave her a half ounce of prune juice with an ounce of warm water. She chugged it down and. . . let's just say. . . four hours later. . . it worked. A lot. She slept better last night and seems to feel better today.
But the panicky feeling? It's still there. And I haven't eaten a real meal in three days. This is another huge sign of anxiety for me. I stop eating. Now, don't mistake me. I have eaten some things here and there, but not much, especially considering I am breastfeeding. Even when we went to the fair on Saturday, where I usually make an eating spectacle of myself, I only had a bite or two of my usual favorites. My stomach just feels "off" during the day and by dinnertime, the anxiety is such that eating is impossible.
I am hoping this is just the result of a few rough days of little sleep and that I will feel better soon. I'm just checking in.