Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Being Honest

So, I feel like I am still "okay."

However, that feeling of panic, that feeling that starts in the pit of my stomach and works its way up into my chest as the afternoon and evening progresses?

It has started again. It started Friday.

It's mild and I am talking to M about it (vs. last time, when I didn't tell anyone). I am also writing about it here. Sometimes, I think just putting something out there helps.

I know it has a lot to do with sleep deprivation. My babies just aren't great newborn sleepers. I keep reminding myself that means squat as far as long term sleeping, since Will (generally) sleeps great. Unfortunately, I look at other newborns who are sleeping much more and think "What am I doing wrong?" Logically, I know I am not doing anything wrong, but I second guess myself and the anxiety creeps up a bit higher in my throat.

Yesterday was just a bad day. Emma wouldn't let me put her down, she wouldn't nap alone, she wouldn't stay in her swing alone, she basically required one of us to carry or hold her at all times. And this was on top of the two to three hours of broken sleep I got the night before. I started counting the days since she had a bowel movement and realized it was four. That can't feel good.

So, I gave her a half ounce of prune juice with an ounce of warm water. She chugged it down and. . . let's just say. . . four hours later. . . it worked. A lot. She slept better last night and seems to feel better today.

But the panicky feeling? It's still there. And I haven't eaten a real meal in three days. This is another huge sign of anxiety for me. I stop eating. Now, don't mistake me. I have eaten some things here and there, but not much, especially considering I am breastfeeding. Even when we went to the fair on Saturday, where I usually make an eating spectacle of myself, I only had a bite or two of my usual favorites. My stomach just feels "off" during the day and by dinnertime, the anxiety is such that eating is impossible.

I am hoping this is just the result of a few rough days of little sleep and that I will feel better soon. I'm just checking in.


cgd said...

I hope this is just a few days thing for you too, but please, please try to take care of yourself. New baby aside, you deserve care too. Hang in there.

Amanda said...

(((hugs))) I hope you're able to get some good rest and feel better soon.

My boys didn't sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time for the longest time and even though I knew that's just how they were, it still left me wondering why. I get it.

Mel said...

The sleeplessness thing is massive. It has a TREMENDOUS affect on the psyche and mind. Maybe you can get someone to watch her for a few hours so you can nap or go to the mall or just do something for you. (I'd totally nap) I was SO AFRAID of letting go of any second with L when she was a newborn, I know that it I go around and do it all again I'll be more willing to ask for help or a break. Good for you for acknowledging the trouble signs, btw.... that is SO awesome.

Ms. J said...

I'm proud of you for talking about this . . . sometimes I still go back and read the wonderfully supportive comments I got the first week I was home with Peanut (thanks to you!)

I still get overwhelmed all the time. Please know that it's normal and not unusual and sometimes we have to make mental bargains with ourselves just to get through the hour.

My husband's godmother (who has no children), said to me "One is like none. Two is like twenty." Now, I have felt plenty overwhelmed by just Lil Pumpkin, but the "two is like twenty" sure feels true sometimes! My Peanut is probably around 16 lbs now and insists on being carried much of the time. But hey, my arms look great!

Wuv you. Keep talkign about this. Keep reaching out. Text me at ANY MOMENT!

HereWeGoAJen said...

Newborn sleep is meaningless! But look at Will's sleep now and think "what am I doing right?" No, wait, don't, because that would mean that I am doing something wrong, since Elizabeth (who is 21! months! old!) woke up three times last night.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to leave a comment with a little support. My kids are 2 and 4, and just this past week I started having massive anxiety. Anxiety is something I have always struggled with, but it is usually more background noise. We also had a big fair this weekend and I also couldn't enjoy it because of that panicked, "keyed up" feeling. My kids have not been sleeping well because of colds, so I figure it has to do a lot with sleep deprivation. What's helped me is to visualize the anxiety as balloons. I picture them floating around me, but not consuming me. So the panicked feelings can be there, but not completely take over my day.

I hope you feel better...and get sleep! I just wanted you to know there are a lot of us out there that deal with these same feelings!

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie,
I left you a comment requesting you to continue blogging and I am so happy that you have. I so enjoy reading your blog. I have just my nearly 4 month old down so I can actually respond to this post. I can so relate to what you write. My 4 month old will not be put down and screams if he isn't being held. This makes life especially difficult with a 2 year old aswell. My two year old was also like this as a baby and she now sleeps 11 hours at night without waking (took a long time but we got there) and a 2 hour nap - so similar to your Will - so we both know our babies will eventually get there. Hang on in there, Katie, you are doing a great job and you know Emma will eventually 'get' this sleep thing. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
All the very best

Rebecca said...

Could you talk to your doctor about the anxiety? I wish I had...things would have been much easier for me. A friend of mind (with a newborn and a 4 year old) was diagnosed with mild PPD and swears by her meds. Her doctor put her on low dosage, but it's helping her cope. I seriously wish I had done it with the twins...use my 20/20 hindsight and give a call. It couldn't hurt!

That is the end of my unsolicited advice!