Thursday, January 10, 2008

Even Knowing

Even knowing that there is a good heartbeat. . .

Even knowing that I have an incredibly swollen and bloodied ovary. . .

Even knowing that I am nauseous if I stop taking my medication. . .

I am still so nervous about this pregnancy. Every twinge, every moment that I don't feel nauseous, every time my breasts don't hurt. . . I wonder if the baby has died.

I wonder how many of you read this blog and think, "Stop whining, you fool! You have everything that you have always wanted and you are still not happy! What is wrong with you?"

I wonder that, because I think that myself, sometimes. I wonder when I can finally breathe a little easier and have the ache in my chest go away. I wonder when I will start to really believe that a baby could actually be here in August or early September.

But please don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for whatever time I have with this precious little one. It's just that the more I love this baby, the more I realize what I have to lose.

24 comments:

Meg said...

You speak the most honest words right now which relay to all of us that you are in love with your pregnancy but it scares the hell out of you. Hang in there....from what I see on other blogs, each day is more and more reassuring. I completely see where you are coming from.

Pamala said...

I thought the same way through my whole pregnancy. I don't think you're whining. I think you're being normal!

alison said...

Hugs to you.

Gumby said...

You're not whining. Given what you've been through (what any of us IFers have been through) it's totally normal and understandable that you'd be a bit more worrisome than "regular" pregnant women.
I just hope you can find peace and truly enjoy your situation soon. But I totally understand your fears, and I'd probably be the same in that situation...
Big hug :)

Adriane said...

I think it is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. You are not whining at all - you are rightfully concerned. Take care and get some rest!

Fertilize Me said...

You are not a fool - you keep posting. I have realized that hte best place for me to put my fears is out in public. They get less control over my aching heart, chest and mind. I waited too long to post like this and thus I have alot of cobwebs that need cleaning out. You can be happy and grateful and worried all at the same time. Giving thes efears less ontrol will strengthen your faith and Confidence!

Tina said...

You're not whining...what you feel is real and, honestly, justified.

Finally, after 18 weeks of PG and getting the Level II u/s done today, I can breath with this PG. It has been a long couple of months getting here, but I am...

...And you will be too, when you are ready for it. Enjoy this as much as you can.

Melissa said...

You have every right to be afraid and worried and scared!! You have been through more than enough horrible fertility trauma than many of us put together-you are justified in your concerns because you've been there. Keep your chin up, though. Hope is all around you-don't forget it.
*hugs*

Tracy said...

While I understand why you feel the way you do, I really wish you were better able to just enjoy this time (to the extent that you can enjoy discomfort and nausea...) It makes me sad at what this IF has cost you.

{{{HUGS}}}

amy said...

Your fears are totally understandable. You and your husband have fought long and hard to get to this point and your heart has desired to be a mommy for so long. You want things to work out and that is totally normal....I worry a lot too. I think I will stop worrying about the pregnancy when I hold my baby in my arms...but then I'll start worrying about TONS of other stuff.

Amy
dancingwithinfertility.blogspot.com

Laura said...

I think everyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage or experienced infertility has the exact same fears and thoughts. Don't beat yourself up over them!

Plus, this is why we have blogs in the first place - so we have a place to voice our fears without people thinking we are crazy! :)

moosk said...

try not to worry about what random readers will think... this is your blog, and you are entitled to express your anxiety (even if you were one of those freakishly lucky ladies who get pg without even trying). peace will come...

i think all you can do at this point is try to distract yourself when you find you're starting to freak out. i'm finding guitar hero works really well for me. :)

Cari said...

I'm there too -- just thinking about trying again makes me have the same fears. sounds pretty normal to me

Cari

Maria said...

I have never experienced a miscarriage, but if I had, I imagine I would feel the same way. Don't beat yourself up. It's okay to be scared.

Just know that we're all thinking about you and hoping for the best!

christina(apronstrings) said...

i am at the same place you are, almost, in my pregnancy. and it.is.scary.as.all. and if one more tells me "to enjoy it, what's going to happen is going to happen." i am going to sucker punch them. j/k sort of.
warm wishes for a H&H 9

Ally said...

Katie, I never, ever think you should stop whining. I marvel at your calm, your composure, and your utter peace and sweetness in regards to this pregnancy. I think you are an amazing woman and I so appreciate how openly you share your journey with us.

My Reality said...

With all of your losses, it is perfectly justified to be scared. Even without the losses, it is a scary thing. You are not whining. You are scared. There is a big difference. If I was in your shoes, I would be scared, too.

Mrs. Piggy said...

hehe...you are so me a few months ago (and still)
rent a doppler, thats all i have to say :)
got mine at hibebe.org i think...and its 115 and has worked from 11 weeks and on...its awesome

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I don't think you're whining at all. Whether we like to admit it or not, being pregnant can be a scary experience just because of all the hope that goes along with it. And you know how hope and IF go hand-in-hand, right? :P

Seriously, I still have those days. But I have good days too. As things progress, I hope it gets easier for you! :)

Searching said...

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Brianna said...

It is completly normal to feel this wait and damnit, you have every right. You will probabaly not stop worrying until that baby is born and you are holding her/him in your arms.

Geohde said...

The worry is natural, normal and understandable given your history.

Waiting with you while you get through the scary time,

xx

J

Jen said...

Whining? Who's whining? Certainly no you. Just because you're pregnant and you've seen a heart beat, doesn't mean that you can just forget everything else you've gone through in your journey.

Waiting Amy said...

You've already heard it -- these feelings are completely normal. They may not go away for awhile. You should NOT feel guilty about having them. But things will get betters.

As my next u/s is approaching I worry that we will see only one heart beat. I worry about getting into the 2nd trimester and losing them both. I worry about abnormalities or complications at birth. What I'm saying is that we ALL go through this problem. While its not fun, its normal.

Keep writing. (((hugs)))