Sunday, January 6, 2008

Dark & Gloomy Thoughts

Today is a milestone for me. I have been pregnant many times. But only in two of my previous pregnancies did I ever make it this far. Today, I am six weeks pregnant. This should be enough to make me happy, to bring a smile to my face, to assure me that everything is going to be okay. Insteady, I am being assaulted with negative thoughts, convincing myself that this is going to end badly.

Where did my good attitude go?

I woke up this morning, convienced that Tuesday's scan will reveal nothing but a dark and cavernous womb of death.

I know, I know.

I have tried the logical approach to this: two healthy embryos, two great betas, a third beta that was okay if not perfect, RE's office is not worried, and I am increasingly exhausted, not a speck of spotting, in spite of my obsessive-compulsive checking. I mean, come on, there has to be something in there, right? Right?

But the little gremlin thoughts come creeping out when my positive side turns its back for a nanosecond. This is how that other chain of thoughts goes: that third beta didn't double, must be vanishing twin, not really any nausea, despite the fact that in my last pregnancy, I was already experiencing some by this time, boobs are sore at all, and who am I to actually think this could work?

There should be a law against making people wait this long for their first scan.

GSW of 2008:

Breasts tender, but only if I push at them, which makes it a question of what is making them tender?

Once again, no appetite at dinner last night, although ravenously hungry this morning

No real nausea

Crampy feeling this morning, kind of dullish and on and off

And of course, the negative thoughts, which I am not sure, but could be a symptom. . .

Just two more days to go.

15 comments:

Searching said...

I know the waiting is pure torture. You have my prayers (as do the little one(s) wiggling away inside!).

lifefromhere said...

katie, I know it goes with the territory after so many losses, but please try not to worry. easier said than done, of course. just remember to breathe. I know the waiting must be so hard. but remember every pg is different -- may this one be different in every good way.

thanks also for your support, you are so sweet. ~luna

Samantha said...

Hang in there, hon. It must be very hard, but just two more days!

Adriane said...

I can't imagine how scared you are. I hope these next two days go by SUPER fast for you!!

Thanks for you comment on my blog regarding the pain I was having. It really helped ease my mind!!

Polka Dot said...

I understand why you feel the way you do. Symptoms come and go and not every pregnancy will have the same ones throughout. Just try to hang in there until Tuesday.

Geohde said...

The waiting is so hard, especially with losses in the past.

I'm starting to totally lose it because we have no OB AT ALL in mind thanks to my indecisively infuriating spouse who I may just strangle and I'm progressively feeling perfecty well in the mornings. Can you say freakout?

Good luck,

xx

J

Mrs. Piggy said...

bad news. i am 16 weeks and still have all the same thoughts as you!
i just cant convince myself that this WORKED and theres a good chance I'm gonna be a mommy.
Too many heartaches in the past.

I never ever had sore boobs, out of all 3 pregnancies. And 2 I miscarried, 1 I didnt. In the first trimester, I wasnt hungry, but when i did get hungry, I was ravenous and felt like if I didnt eat that very second I would die.
Hang in there, there will be a beating heart/hearts. My first u/s wasnt til 7 weeks. It sucks!

Debby said...

Oh it's so hard but go away negative thoughts!! You're in the home stretch dear and all your fears will be relieved so soon. Less than 48 hours now. You can do this!

Waiting Amy said...

Waiting is awful. Just terrible. Ugly. Evil.

But hang in there! I have many of the same type of symptoms (vague nausea, no appetite then ravenous, minimal boob changes). The next two days will feel forever, but in reality it will be here soon!

Everything is going fine and I'm hoping for you that lots of good news is soon to come.

Tracy said...

I'm not even going to lecture you because it could come back to bite me in the ass in a month or so (I hope I hope!), but hang in there...only 2 more sleeps.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunny said...

Really big hugs to you! I can only imagine. Try to enjoy the ride as best as you can. Your thoughts are normal as morbid as it may be. HUGS!

Maria said...

I can only imagine the torture of having to wait, but I'll be praying for your strength for the next two days.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I can only relate from the perspective of what I would probably feel like, but don't knwo from experience. I am sure the terror is real. You aren't worrying over something you made up, you're worrying over something that's happened before. And it sickens me that you even have to worry, that you can't be blissfully free from care this pregnancy.

That said, I cannot wait for your appt!!!! I want to see one or two lovely heartbeats... I want you to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, knowing that embryologists put back the very best-looking blastocysts.

I couldn't believe it when I was pregnant that the RE told me to get a 7 week scan... 7 weeks?!?!? I was so angry. And because I lost the baby at 6w4d (less than 36 hours before my ultrasound, actually) I was so freaking angry at never being able to see the baby. I swear next time I'll insist on a 5 or 6 week scan. It just sucks the waiting....

That said, you're almost there! Hold on, sweetie!!!!

Fertilize Me said...

Katie- I go through these feelings daily. I guess I could lie to you and tell you it gets better. Which it does, after my Dr appointments and we have a good scan .. then the week leading up to my appointments, i really need to be commited. You are in my thoughts - just keep breathing

Kathy V said...

I know you are worried. Try to hang in there for a few days. I'm sure all of the pregnancy symptoms will hit at one time. We are waiting with you for good news from the scan.