Gone

If you have never had a chemical pregnancy, you might not understand the relief that I felt this morning, at 3 AM, when I started to finally bleed bright red blood.

It is not heartlessness, rather it is the desire to finally be able to grieve the loss of this little life and then try my best to move on. When you are stuck in the Land of Unknown, as I have been this past week, it is nice, even if the answer isn't good, just to know what your future holds.

There was a part of me that had fantasized that, once I carried a baby to term, my body would finally know what to do with these little embryos. But it was never that my body didn't know what to do with a pregnancy. It was that my eggs are immature and nothing genetically good can come of that. Even in a medicated IVF cycle, less than 50% of the eggs retrieved were mature enough to even attempt to fertilize. So, who knows what kind of eggs my body tosses out when left to its own devices.

Everything aside, however, I am just sad. I am sad for all of the little angels that we have lost.

To my sweet Angel Baby,

Your daddy, brother, and I miss you already. We are sorry that you will not be coming to play with us in January. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,
Mommy