Friday, May 22, 2009

Aftermath

I am having a harder time with this latest loss than I thought I would.

Probably the first and foremost reason is guilt. I had a lot of mixed feelings about bringing a second child into the mix so soon. I remember telling M that I would feel like an A**hole if something happened. Well, something did happen. And I do.

In my heart, I know that I would have loved a second baby to distraction, but I was very worried about how we were going to handle it all. I felt joy at the prospect of another baby, but I also felt what can only be described as utter terror, wondering how I would handle the gamut of the newborn days on top of life with a toddler. I know ambivalence cannot make a miscarriage happen. If it could, the earth's population would be substantially less. But I still hate that there were any misgivings about such a miracle.

I also think that this loss stirs up memories of old losses. I have been going through old blog posts and rehashing those feelings. For the first time in months, I opened the miscarriage basket, my intent being only to put away the pee sticks and sweet card that M had gotten me for the occasion. Instead, I ended up crying over the basket for a good hour, going through all of our little memorabilia from so many lost pregnancies.

I know the medical majority considers a chemical pregnancy to be a blip in the reproductive life of a woman. I have had doctors tell me that 50% of conceptions end in chemical pregnancies and that women in their childbearing years will have a chemical pregnancy every three cycles. I kind of don't agree with that, since most women I know who are actively TTC start testing really early. And no one I know has had that many chemical pregnancies . . . not even me!

I know there are people, friends and family included, that don't see this as a miscarriage, as a loss, as any reason to be sad. Believe me, I know this. We didn't really tell anybody about this pregnancy anyway, since it happened so fast. Even those that we did tell were sympathetic, but briefly, and then, life goes on.

Even I don't think that a loss at 4 weeks is the same as a loss later on. I minimize my own feelings, trying to tell myself that I am being silly, that it's time to move on.

But my heart is still aching today. The cramping has already subsided, the bleeding already slowed way down. It's almost over. And I am still sad.

23 comments:

Kristen said...

You have every right to grieve. A loss is a loss. And it hurts. I had a suspected ectopic/chemical/blighted ovum (they weren't too sure what was going on with me) with my first loss several years ago at 5 weeks. And it was just as traumatic as my loss at 11.5 weeks.

Big hugs to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this yet again.

Fertilized said...

I am a bad friend! I have been meaning to send you an email for a few days now. I am sorry that you have to experience a loss. It IS a loss and it hurts. It is not your fault, I am sorry that you have anything to greive over.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I have no words to make the pain better, but know that I am thinking of you. ((MANY HUGS))

Ms. J said...

Sweetie, this IS a loss. It was another baby that you would have loved as fiercely as Will. It was as real as any other pregnancy. It does not matter whether a pregnancy ends at 3 weeks or 38 weeks . . . loss is loss. It's sad and scary and traumatic and each is unique.

Please be kind to yourself.

Ask yourself to consider what your words of support would have been had you read this tale on somebody else's blog . . . you'd be reassuring them that they in no way contributed to the m/c, and that it is indeed tragic, and awful.

You are allowed to grieve as much and as openly as you need or want to. Having Will does not negate that, either.

"Hearting" you, honey ;o)

Adriane said...

I can imagine that your heart is aching. It is a loss, no matter how far along you are, Katie. I'm so sorry you are sad.

Kathy said...

(((HUGS))) Katie. I believe that every loss is a loss whether it was early on in a pregnancy or later or even after birth. It is still the death of a dream, the dream of your life with that child and it is difficult and painful to let go of.

I had similar feeling of guilt after my first m/c. Sean was just over a year old and though we wanted our children close in age, I was a bit overwhelmed by things happening so quickly. I also remember being annoied that they would be 21 months apart buy one year in school. I thought that was wierd. I remember feeling like after the m/c that I hadn't been "excited" enough and shouldn't have had those thoughts. Even though I get that we don't cause these things to happen to ourselves.

Anyway, holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. New losses do seem to bring back the feeling and emotions related to previous ones. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. This really sucks.

Leanne said...

Hugs Sweetie!!!!

Lori said...

There is no need to minimalize your feelings, no matter when a loss occurs in a pregnancy there is sadnes, anger and grieving. Hang in there sweetie and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs))))

Mel said...

Oh, Katie, I am so sorry. You have lost more than anyone I know. Your heart is amazingly strong in a way mine could never be. I am so sad for this loss.
*hugs*

Joy said...

I've been without a computer and wanting to check on you!!!

I'm so sorry, Katie!

And no loss, no matter how young, is so insignificant as to not be mourned. I know others make you feel like it's no big deal, especially if you've had other losses... but the fact is that it IS a big deal to you. *HUGS* And you can cry and get angry if you want to!!!

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Katie. As everyone else has said, you have every right to grieve. A loss can be devastating no matter when it happens. It's not silly. And you don't have to minimize your feelings, least of all here.

(HUGS)

S and J plus 2 said...

Please accept the hugs and comfort from an old friend.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

...and please accept the hugs and comfort from a new one.

Mommy Shoes said...

It's a baby either way- whether 5 weeks or 25. And with that loss is the loss of the dreams and hopes and visions of life with that little one that you had in your heart. I am so very sorry.

Polka Dot said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. It's beyond not fair.

I agree completely with the others - it's not your fault. Nothing you worried about caused what happened. And you have every right to grieve the loss as anyone who lost a child later in pregnancy.

Inanna said...

I had a chemical pregnancy before our William was conceived last year, and it most definitely "counts" as a loss. That baby was real to me even just in the few days I knew I was pregnant, just as William was, and I lost them both. We think in such linear terms sometimes, but our babies are our babies forever. Forever.

JuliaS said...

{{hugs}}

This hurts, it is a loss - even if only in potentiality.

It hurts so much, because you care so much - and that is the point. That you are hurting. It shouldn't be about whether or not you have the "right" to hurt - if it should be a big hurt or a little hurt, it just is a hurt.

So, I am sorry you are hurting.

My first miscarriage is just coming up on the 14th year anniversary - next week! I still cry sometimes. My most "recent" miscarriage hit the 7th year anniversary last month, it still hurts sometimes and I still cry. I tell you this - because these are not just insignificant little blips along life's pathway. They are important to you and you must grieve. It's that simple.

Sending you peaceful wishes and hopeful thoughts.

megan said...

here from L&F. i'm so sorry to hear this. take the time you need to grieve. there is no magic date that makes grieving 'acceptable' or a loss more of a true loss. you have experienced a loss and you need to do what you need to do. take good care of yourself.

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

I am sad for you as well:-( I have m/c'd a lot as well and it never gets easier...

Rachel said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I hope you find time to grieve.

Amy said...

shitballz. I can't even keep count for you anymore. I hate this. Go get those frosties and keep me posted! love you!

Debby said...

Oh dear katie...i'm so so sorry for your latest loss. and I'm sorry i've been a bad reader and am just now reading this. i'll be praying for you guys.