Only A Dream

Well, you don't have to be a professional analyzer of dreams (is there an actual name for that profession) to know where last night's dream came from.

In my dream, M came to me and told me that he wanted out. That he was done with our marriage. He laughed at me when I asked if there was another woman and told me that he was just not in love with me anymore. I cried and cried, begging him to think about it, to see a therapist with me, and he was resolute in his decision to leave.

I got angry, scared, sad, and even violent. In my dream, I started hitting, punching, and kicking at him, trying to exact a response, and he just stood there.

When I woke up this morning, I still felt sad. I told M about my dream, prefacing it with the fact that I knew that I had no logical reason for feeling the way that I did, but that I was still emotionally upset about it. He pretty much shrugged it off and went about getting ready for the day. I know I can't expect him to feel badly about something that he didn't even do, but the feelings are still there today.

I think it is safe to say that I am not feeling very loved right now. I mean, I know M loves me, but he is not acting in a very loving manner, so I am not feeling it. Usually, I feel his frustration, his anger, his stress, and not his love. I have tried evaluating the emotions that I am sending out, and I figure that I am probably sending a lot of negative emotions back at him. I think I was trying to send out more loving feelings, but got rebuffed and now am acting from a place of hurt.

I remember reading some where that if you smile and act nice to someone, eventually, they have no choice but to smile and be nice back. So, I am going to try and get back to showing some loving feelings and see where it takes us.