Friday, May 8, 2009

Only A Dream

Well, you don't have to be a professional analyzer of dreams (is there an actual name for that profession) to know where last night's dream came from.

In my dream, M came to me and told me that he wanted out. That he was done with our marriage. He laughed at me when I asked if there was another woman and told me that he was just not in love with me anymore. I cried and cried, begging him to think about it, to see a therapist with me, and he was resolute in his decision to leave.

I got angry, scared, sad, and even violent. In my dream, I started hitting, punching, and kicking at him, trying to exact a response, and he just stood there.

When I woke up this morning, I still felt sad. I told M about my dream, prefacing it with the fact that I knew that I had no logical reason for feeling the way that I did, but that I was still emotionally upset about it. He pretty much shrugged it off and went about getting ready for the day. I know I can't expect him to feel badly about something that he didn't even do, but the feelings are still there today.

I think it is safe to say that I am not feeling very loved right now. I mean, I know M loves me, but he is not acting in a very loving manner, so I am not feeling it. Usually, I feel his frustration, his anger, his stress, and not his love. I have tried evaluating the emotions that I am sending out, and I figure that I am probably sending a lot of negative emotions back at him. I think I was trying to send out more loving feelings, but got rebuffed and now am acting from a place of hurt.

I remember reading some where that if you smile and act nice to someone, eventually, they have no choice but to smile and be nice back. So, I am going to try and get back to showing some loving feelings and see where it takes us.


Tracy said...

Oh, Katie. I've had those dreams, and what you needed most was a hug and reassurance that he loves you and isn't going anywhere. I am SO sorry you did not get that.


Katie said...

Yes, that IS what I needed. But he is just not in that place right now. I really think that so much of this isn't really about me, but I really think that I can still try my best to be there for him. Hopefully, he will eventually come around.

Jen said...

I've heard people vouch for the shower a person with love approach. And I DO think it should work. It just takes lots and lots of patience. Hang in there.

Rachel said...

I really hope you find peaceful dreams tonight. And even though you may be right about being able to change some of your attitude, you do not need to turn into a perfectly-content multitasking wife for your husband. I wonder if you could sit down and talk about what things each of your think are priorities in your relationship and your house and that might give you an idea of what to focus on?

Fertilized said...

It is so hard when there is imbalance going on

Mel said...

Awwwww... Katie, this post breaks my heart. And it's hard for me to read because I recogize that I am the emotion-less one in my relationship right now. Hubs comes to me for reassurance and I push it aside without thinking. I don't know why, I honestly don't. But it's not that I don't love him or want to be close to him, it's just after all we've been through and the separation of US through it all... well, I just don't know how to get past it and reconnect somehow.
I hope you get back from him what you need... I will be praying about it.

Jen said...

I hate those dreams. I always feel all discombobulated for days afterwards.

Joy said...

I have been in this place, too. It is so dark and lonely and I'm so sad you're in this right now.

There's a book called Love and Respect. As with any book there's some amazing information and some info you can do without. The main thing that this book talks about is how men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved.

I like your idea of trying to be the best woman you can be, smiley and loving, to hopefully snap your husband out of it.

I want to give you an idea, that I gleaned from the book. Write him a letter. Not necessary a LOVE letter, but a respect letter.

Let him know all the things he does that you respect about him- how he's a good daddy, how he provides for the family, his dedication, etc. Even if you don't FEEL the respect, let him know it.

My husband and I also recently watched the movie Fireproof. AMAZING movie when you're in the midst of all of this. *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling alot of the same things you are. It's really hard to give more love when you are the one needing more of it. I am so mentally and emotionally tired of it all now.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I totally understand. I just get to a point where I'm tired of always giving. Being nice, working hard, giving out, giving in. I'm over it.

Anonymous said...

Where you are makes complete sense. Your first child is a little over a year. A hug and reassurance would go a long way. Also understanding that your hormones, and body, and mind, and emotions are still in the shift of parenting and mothering. My experience (and it is mine), is it was about two years before I felt 'myself' again. Best to you on the journey!