Monday, May 18, 2009

Fading Fast

Thank you, everyone, for your love and support. I feel as if I have been on a pretty decent emotional rollercoaster these past few days. I am drained and worn out. First, there were the symptoms that made me stop and think, "Hmmmm." Then, there was the spotting that made me think, "Never mind." Then, the spotting stopped, I calculated that my period was late and again, "Hmmmm." Then, the series of faint positives before Friday's dark positive. I scheduled a beta for this morning and with no more spotting at home, I got hopeful.

Last night, I had a couple of swipes of faint pink staining. This morning, there was more on the TP. I took a pregnancy test (the first since Friday) that was so faintly positive that even my eyes had trouble seeing it. Seeing as the test on Friday afternoon was boldly positive, this is not good news. I have been through this too many times to think positively. Spotting, fading pee sticks. . . the handwriting is on the wall.

Of course, I feel guilty. This was a very wanted baby, but a very unplanned one as well. I had some mixed emotions about it, though part of me feels that was just me going into a bit of self-preservation mode. I always had the fear that this would happen and didn't want to get too attached.

Thanks again for the love and support. I am sad today, but I am still grateful for all that I have. We'll be okay.

24 comments:

Lori said...

(((((hugs))))))

Mel said...

Oh, Katie. I am praying for you. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

Cassandra said...

I'm sorry that this one doesn't seem to be working out.

I hope that when you do decide to plan your next pregnancy, it finally goes just as you plan.

Take care.

Yoka said...

I am so sorry, Katie. Thinking about you and sending you big hugs.

Fertilized said...

Oh Katie. Sending Hugs

uncomplicateme said...

Oh sweetie. My "I'm sorry" doesn't fix the sadness, but I really am. I wish it wasn't like this. xo

Ms. J said...

Katie, I am so sorry. The full gamut of emotions that you and hubby must be going through, all over again (and yet different because of Baby Will). I won't try to come up with the right words. There are none.

But if my magic wand would work, I would surely wave it for you.

Joy said...

*HUGS*

I wish I had something I could say, so instead sending my love and support!

Barefoot said...

So sorry to read about what you're going through. Thinking of you.

Adriane said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. Hugs to you.

Geohde said...

I am so sorry.

g

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry. I wish things could be different. So badly. (((HUGS)))

JACQUELYN said...

Hi there...
I am sorry...I will be thinking positive thoughts for ya.

J

Kate said...

All my prayers are with you. With my last succesful pregnancy I got fainter positive after having much darker ones few days before. I wish so much the same happened to you.

Kathy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Annalien said...

I am so sorry. Hugs to you and your family.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm right there with you. I'm sorry you have to experience these ups and downs...

Jill said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry :(

Shinejil said...

Of course you'll be okay, but I'm sending my best wishes for comfort and love to you as you deal with this loss.

Big virtual hugs!

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Hope is a tricky little thing isn't it?!

Sending lots of love (and understanding) your way.

Bottoms Off said...

I'm so sorry.

Maria said...

I'm behind and catching up.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm thinking of you and sending loads of love your way.

elephantscanremember said...

I am very sorry. (Hugs)