Saturday, May 16, 2009

Thoughts

Yesterday's pee stick is darker than the day before.

And the spotting has stopped.

I will be going in for a beta on Monday and then on Wednesday to see what's going on.

This wasn't exactly planned, so I am not sure when I ovulated. I can't even quite remember what CD 1 was. Yeah. I hate that we have suddenly become one of those people.

I have a lot of emotions coursing through me right now. So does M. We are surprised, shocked, hopeful, overwhelmed, scared, excited, terrified, nervous. . . and these feelings change quickly. We are both still processing the idea of having "two under two." M is less nervous than I am about how we will manage two small kids, and has pointed out the benefits of already having everything we need.

He does have a point. We always wanted two children and while this may be a little sooner than planned, we had given a lot of consideration to trying for a FET in August, so it's really not that much sooner. The unexpectedness and the timing aren't really our major concerns, anyway. Make no mistake about it, this is a very wanted baby.

I think we are both feeling a sense of "Will this really happen?" I don't think either of us really thinks that we can carry a pregnancy to term without all of the bells and whistles that we had going for us last time. So many of our pregnancies have ended in tears that we still very much fear the same thing happening again. We had so many false starts, so many times where we got our hopes up, got attached, and then the bleeding started.

Also, as I have shared here, our relationship has not done as well with the trials of parenthood as I had been hoping. I am worried about the pressures that a pregnancy and second baby is going to add on an already stressed situation. I already feel as if I am doing as much as I can and yet fall short of the expectations that I have for myself and that M has for me. He is already working as hard as he can and there isn't a lot of extra time for him to help out. We are both stretched thin already. . . where is the extra time and energy going to come from?

I get so sick in the first trimester and I worry how I will be able to care for Will (I know that I somehow will do it, I just hope not to be as sick this time). I also worry about how he going to handle being a big brother. He's got it pretty darn good as the only show in town right now. How will he feel about sharing the limelight? Of course, in my dream fantasies, he and New Baby will be so close and the perfect playmates for each other, but I know reality might be far different. He is bound to have some trouble with the transition. We all are.

There are so many thoughts, so many fears. I feel a definite sense of "WHY?" There are so many people still waiting for their first miracle. . . why do we get a second one? And are we really getting that second chance or am I am getting ahead of myself?

Can we do this? Are we going to be okay? I am really pretty scared.

One day at a time.

15 comments:

Kim said...

You have so many people thinking good thoughts for this little bean to stick. Even though it came as a surprise, we all REALLY want this for you guys.

Have you thought about finding a 'Mother's Helper'? Typically, it is a high school (sometimes even middle school, depending on what you're comfortable with) or college-aged girl who can come over a few hours a week while you're still in the house. This way you don't have to worry about leaving your baby (or babies!) alone with someone, but can also get other things done (or just have some quiet time!). They're also usually really reasonably priced (and very worth it, in my opinion!). I found one when B was little and I didn't want to REALLY leave her, it was great to have someone to 'entertain' her while I made some meals to freeze, did some bigger cleaning projects (closets, etc.), or had some alone time.

Ashley said...

You can survive 2 under 2...I promise! It seems like when you prepare yourself for the worst, it's never as bad as you had thought it would be. I thought that when I had the twins, I wouldn't have time for the older ones. You find time and make it work, and you will LOVE EVERY MINUTE of it! Not to get your hopes up more than they already are, but I know SOOOO many people that had IVF with their first pregnancy's and went on to have the rest of the kids naturally. You never know, your body might have it all figured out this time! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!

Amy B said...

Katie,

You can do this. It took us so long to get PG with our first that we started trying for our 2nd when Pete was only 8 months old and wouldn't you know it we got PG the first try. I was sooo sick with the 2nd that I was literally throwing up every day until the day he was born. It was tough but if I can do it so can you.

I now have 3 under age 4. I am not saying I don't have days where I am so exhausted and ready to pull my hair out. Not to mention my meals consist of my boys leftovers. But with that said. When my 3 year old strokes my cheek and says "Mommy you are so pretty and I love you" All of that other stuff disappears. I actually just teared up typing that.

I am sending good thoughts your way. I am sure that was implantation bleeding that will lead to another beautiful healthy baby.

Sorry this is so long but. my 2 older boys are only 17 months apart and are so close, they are best friends. I know that can and probably will change. But it warms my heart knowing they will always have each other. I am an only child and always wanted a sibling.

If you ever need and "assvice" or are just feeling overwhelmed you can email me.

Yoka said...

Sending you good thoughts and a cautious congratulations!

Katie said...

Everyone: Thank you for love, the good thoughts, the prayers, the "stickies." I am so thankful and not feeling as if I deserve it, but appreciate it anyway!

And Amy B., I teared up READING it!

Fertilized said...

I can relate ..more than you know! More than I let on to .. I am a puking, whirling basket o' hormones and am extremely scared and ask Why ALOT.

Hang in there - we can do this for eachother!

Kathy said...

OMG Katie!!! How did I miss this? Congratulations! :) I can't believe that you and Farah both are PG AGAIN so soon (though I guess I am too)!!! I know how scary it is when you have been what you have been through to get to this point. That said, we all deserve to be on the other side of the statisical bullet more than once and I am so happy for you!!! One day at a time. You can do this. Hang in there. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Joy said...

Awww, it really will be alright if you're graced with another little one. Our daughters are 22 months apart and I LOVE it. They are very close siblings and they rarely fight.

As for being sick while pregnant and caring for a baby- it is absolutely amazing what Mommas can accomplish. I had two under 3 at home during the first trimester of this pregnancy. I just took things as they came. If I had to lay on the couch, then we cuddled and watched a movie or read kid books.

I am so excited and am very hopeful for you all! We're praying that this sweet miracle is healthy and born full term!

Christy said...

Wow!

Keep breathing Katie . . . just keep breathing.

Holding a good thought for you.

Mommy Shoes said...

I don't have any answers to your questions, but know that I am thinking of you and praying that all will go well for both Will and this baby.

RoseAnn said...

I don't have kids of my own but wanted to chime in anyway.

I am 16 months older than my brother and we get along great.

My sister has two girls who are 15 months apart and they are 5 and 6 now and it's great!

You can do this! I will keep everything crossed that this is the beginning of a wonderful journey.

Anonymous said...

As I tell myself all the time, "una la volta" (translated: one thing at a time)

Joy said...

Just checking in and hoping all is well! Hope you get in to do a blood test with doctor tomorrow (Monday)!!!


P.S. Sometimes I get this feeling someone is pregnant and about 85% of the time they really are pregnant. I've had this feeling about you for the past week or two. I'm not psychic or anything (don't believe in that). I think it was just good old-fashioned intuition. And I HOPE that things work out beautifully and you have another sweet baby!!! *HUGS*

Annalien said...

Taking one day at a time is the best you can do for now. Praying that this little one is a "sticky". Congratulations on the pregnancy.

Adriane said...

I would be feeling the same way. So many emotions! You CAN do it. It will certainly be hard, but we all believe in you! I hope your beta goes well today.