Thoughts

Yesterday's pee stick is darker than the day before.

And the spotting has stopped.

I will be going in for a beta on Monday and then on Wednesday to see what's going on.

This wasn't exactly planned, so I am not sure when I ovulated. I can't even quite remember what CD 1 was. Yeah. I hate that we have suddenly become one of those people.

I have a lot of emotions coursing through me right now. So does M. We are surprised, shocked, hopeful, overwhelmed, scared, excited, terrified, nervous. . . and these feelings change quickly. We are both still processing the idea of having "two under two." M is less nervous than I am about how we will manage two small kids, and has pointed out the benefits of already having everything we need.

He does have a point. We always wanted two children and while this may be a little sooner than planned, we had given a lot of consideration to trying for a FET in August, so it's really not that much sooner. The unexpectedness and the timing aren't really our major concerns, anyway. Make no mistake about it, this is a very wanted baby.

I think we are both feeling a sense of "Will this really happen?" I don't think either of us really thinks that we can carry a pregnancy to term without all of the bells and whistles that we had going for us last time. So many of our pregnancies have ended in tears that we still very much fear the same thing happening again. We had so many false starts, so many times where we got our hopes up, got attached, and then the bleeding started.

Also, as I have shared here, our relationship has not done as well with the trials of parenthood as I had been hoping. I am worried about the pressures that a pregnancy and second baby is going to add on an already stressed situation. I already feel as if I am doing as much as I can and yet fall short of the expectations that I have for myself and that M has for me. He is already working as hard as he can and there isn't a lot of extra time for him to help out. We are both stretched thin already. . . where is the extra time and energy going to come from?

I get so sick in the first trimester and I worry how I will be able to care for Will (I know that I somehow will do it, I just hope not to be as sick this time). I also worry about how he going to handle being a big brother. He's got it pretty darn good as the only show in town right now. How will he feel about sharing the limelight? Of course, in my dream fantasies, he and New Baby will be so close and the perfect playmates for each other, but I know reality might be far different. He is bound to have some trouble with the transition. We all are.

There are so many thoughts, so many fears. I feel a definite sense of "WHY?" There are so many people still waiting for their first miracle. . . why do we get a second one? And are we really getting that second chance or am I am getting ahead of myself?

Can we do this? Are we going to be okay? I am really pretty scared.

One day at a time.