Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gone

If you have never had a chemical pregnancy, you might not understand the relief that I felt this morning, at 3 AM, when I started to finally bleed bright red blood.

It is not heartlessness, rather it is the desire to finally be able to grieve the loss of this little life and then try my best to move on. When you are stuck in the Land of Unknown, as I have been this past week, it is nice, even if the answer isn't good, just to know what your future holds.

There was a part of me that had fantasized that, once I carried a baby to term, my body would finally know what to do with these little embryos. But it was never that my body didn't know what to do with a pregnancy. It was that my eggs are immature and nothing genetically good can come of that. Even in a medicated IVF cycle, less than 50% of the eggs retrieved were mature enough to even attempt to fertilize. So, who knows what kind of eggs my body tosses out when left to its own devices.

Everything aside, however, I am just sad. I am sad for all of the little angels that we have lost.

To my sweet Angel Baby,

Your daddy, brother, and I miss you already. We are sorry that you will not be coming to play with us in January. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,
Mommy

19 comments:

Busted said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Ms. J said...

How beautiful, your words, despite the sadness. I am grieving for your loss of this baby, and praying for you to have extra strength, and for Baby Will to be extra cuddly in the coming weeks.

Kathy said...

(((HUGS))) Katie. I am so sorry for your loss. I get the bittersweetness of the bleeding coming full force. Sitting in limbo is not fun, so I understand it helping to have some certainty.

I had a chemical prengancy in August 2005 and it was just as hard for me as my first miscarrage the previous December (2004) which was further a long (around 7 weeks). Even though we only knew about it for a few days before I started bleeding, we already had plenty of time to fantasize about the baby that could have been born in April 2006. I often think about our 2nd angel baby, as I have a number or friends and family members who had children around that time, many of whom have gone on to have one or more babies since.

Anyway, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.(((HUGS)))

Amy B said...

I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I've never had a loss, but I can only imagine that this type of IF must be completely heart-breaking.

Life in Eden said...

So sorry Katie. Hoping for healing for you when you are ready.

~Hollie said...

Bless your heart. I'm praying for you and your peace.

Christy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. But I totally get what you mean about feeling relief about just "knowing". I felt like that with my last miscarriage too.

Fertilized said...

Oh Katie, I am so upset with your family. I am very sorry for your loss

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

((hugs))

Jen said...

I am so very sorry that this is happening. I hope it is as easy as it possibly can be. Much love.

Kim said...

I am so sorry, Katie.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

I shed a little tear for you on this one. One for me too. And all of us....

Rachel said...

I am so sorry.

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry. I've done it 3 times before and it sucks like crazy every time. Hugs to you.

Laura said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this once again. Many hugs...

JuliaS said...

I'm so sorry.

Having been there, done that - I understand the relief that comes with resolution, whether the resolution is happy or sad.

{{hugs}} and many good wishes.

Mrs. B said...

I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you.

Adriane said...

Katie, I'm so, so sorry.