To Be(ta) or Not to Be(ta)

First off, thank you to those that posted comments yesterday. I was really in a sad/bad mood the rest of the day and your thoughts helped me to cheer up a bit. The phone rang several times with people calling to check on us. I didn't have the emotional strength to talk to anyone. See, the thing is, that I know I am overreacting. My RE doesn't seem to be concerned. Dr. Google even sends back positive answers to my desperate quests for knowledge. I still just feel sad, and sad that I even have to feel sad, then mad at myself for feeling sad.

My mom called for an update and I called her back because I knew that she would worry if I didn't. She tries really hard, but she also seems to know how to push my buttons better than anyone. My mom is a "fertile," complete with a surprise baby that was born when I was 14 - that she seriously contemplated aborting. She loves to tell the story about how she went to the doctor for her first OB appointment and cried and cried because she was pregnant. Then she heard the lady in the next room, crying and crying because she wasn't. For some reason, she thinks that story is comforting to me, but all it really does is make me realize how much she just cannot understand.

My mom has also made no secret of the fact that she did not want children. She was perfectly happy with her life with my dad before I was born. They were not planning on children. I was an accident. Then, because they didn't want me to be an only child, they decided to have my sister and got pregnant the first month that they tried. My little brother was their second accident. I come from fertile stock. Too bad I seem to be the black sheep.

After my brother was born, my mother had pretty significant post-partum depression. This was exacerbated by the fact that my little brother was born with something called Poland's Syndrome. He was born in April and I clearly remember on Mother's Day buying her some of her favorite things to cheer her up. She listlessly poked through the gift bag and then shoved it aside. I was hurt and she said, "There is nothing in this bag that I want."

Now she almost seems to delight in reminding me of this. Last Christmas, after we had lost Gummy Bear, I told her that I didn't want presents and she said, "Now you understand how I felt when [insert story here]."

I know that she really is trying to help, but for some reason, every time I get off the phone with her, I seem to be even more upset. And then I end up feeling bad, so I call her back to apologize. . . and the circle repeats.

I am still not entirely sure what to do about the beta tomorrow. I was completely for it last night, but now I am rethinking it. To plagiarize blatantly from Geohde, there is really no number that will make me feel better. Sure, I guess if it more than doubled, I would feel better. . . for about thirty seconds. Then, I would start being scared again. If it didn't quite double, I would be in hysterics again. I don't think that being so upset is good for me right now. I have managed to calm myself down from yesterday and am trying to think positively. After all, there really isn't much that I can do about it, either way. The best thing that I can do is to take care of myself and send all of my love to the little one(s) that I can.

This is the minefield of early pregnancy after loss/infertility. It isn't an easy road and there are sure to be many bumps ahead. I am grateful for your love and support.