Saturday, December 29, 2007

To Be(ta) or Not to Be(ta)

First off, thank you to those that posted comments yesterday. I was really in a sad/bad mood the rest of the day and your thoughts helped me to cheer up a bit. The phone rang several times with people calling to check on us. I didn't have the emotional strength to talk to anyone. See, the thing is, that I know I am overreacting. My RE doesn't seem to be concerned. Dr. Google even sends back positive answers to my desperate quests for knowledge. I still just feel sad, and sad that I even have to feel sad, then mad at myself for feeling sad.

My mom called for an update and I called her back because I knew that she would worry if I didn't. She tries really hard, but she also seems to know how to push my buttons better than anyone. My mom is a "fertile," complete with a surprise baby that was born when I was 14 - that she seriously contemplated aborting. She loves to tell the story about how she went to the doctor for her first OB appointment and cried and cried because she was pregnant. Then she heard the lady in the next room, crying and crying because she wasn't. For some reason, she thinks that story is comforting to me, but all it really does is make me realize how much she just cannot understand.

My mom has also made no secret of the fact that she did not want children. She was perfectly happy with her life with my dad before I was born. They were not planning on children. I was an accident. Then, because they didn't want me to be an only child, they decided to have my sister and got pregnant the first month that they tried. My little brother was their second accident. I come from fertile stock. Too bad I seem to be the black sheep.

After my brother was born, my mother had pretty significant post-partum depression. This was exacerbated by the fact that my little brother was born with something called Poland's Syndrome. He was born in April and I clearly remember on Mother's Day buying her some of her favorite things to cheer her up. She listlessly poked through the gift bag and then shoved it aside. I was hurt and she said, "There is nothing in this bag that I want."

Now she almost seems to delight in reminding me of this. Last Christmas, after we had lost Gummy Bear, I told her that I didn't want presents and she said, "Now you understand how I felt when [insert story here]."

I know that she really is trying to help, but for some reason, every time I get off the phone with her, I seem to be even more upset. And then I end up feeling bad, so I call her back to apologize. . . and the circle repeats.

I am still not entirely sure what to do about the beta tomorrow. I was completely for it last night, but now I am rethinking it. To plagiarize blatantly from Geohde, there is really no number that will make me feel better. Sure, I guess if it more than doubled, I would feel better. . . for about thirty seconds. Then, I would start being scared again. If it didn't quite double, I would be in hysterics again. I don't think that being so upset is good for me right now. I have managed to calm myself down from yesterday and am trying to think positively. After all, there really isn't much that I can do about it, either way. The best thing that I can do is to take care of myself and send all of my love to the little one(s) that I can.

This is the minefield of early pregnancy after loss/infertility. It isn't an easy road and there are sure to be many bumps ahead. I am grateful for your love and support.

17 comments:

Polka Dot said...

Your mom and my mom could do lunch. Really.

I agree with what you said - no matter the number, you probably won't be completely happy with it for more than a few minutes.

If there's anything I can do, please let me know. In the meantime, I'll be happy to shoulder some of the worry for you.

Ally said...

Oh, Katie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are worried and that nothing will really help it to go away. I wish I could wave my magic wand and fix it for you. Just know that I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.

(And, some assvice: My dear friend, who is a total Fertile Myrtle, never has doubling betas. Ever. And she always stays pregnant and delivers beautiful, healthy babies. This, too, could be you.)

Sunny said...

What a clever little title. :)

I am sorry you are here in this stuck place wanting clarity and answers. Wanting to see the future to know if you can stop worrying or just give up. HUGS!

Your mom sounds like my mom. They will never understand. No matter how much we try to give them insight. They can't get it. When babies happen on accident, when they wish they never did. UGH I wish they just got it.

I am so hoping for good things!

tms said...

Hi there - I've been following your story for several months (I'm in a similar position - ttc #1 and have had 3 m/c in a row. I'm a couple (scary, terrifying) weeks past the betas and some doubled and some didn't - all I wanted to tell you is that there are people out there who know what you're going through and who were equally scared and nauseous and mad for being sad and sad for being mad. And my mom is the same way. She doesn't get it - she thinks it's comforting to me to tell me over and over how when she was pregnant with me (I was her first) she spotted at 11 weeks and was TERRIFIED that she might have a m/c (but of course she didn't and went on to have 3 more children with zero problems). I'm always dumbfounded when she brings that up. It's so hurtful - I always feel worse when I talk to her - and then feel guilty for feeling upset. Sigh. If you want a tiny bit of a laugh - some of our m/c have been biochemical (I hate that word) so one OB/GYN told us that "officially" we have not had enough recurrent m/c to be considered "infertile." My mom asked me a few weeks ago, "So can you explain to me again how come the doctors don't think you're infertile?" Again - I was dumbfounded. Did she SERIOUSLY ask me why a doctor would not think I'm infertile?! It's as if she's saying, "CLEARLY you are infertile and you cannot bear children - how come the doctors haven't figured that out yet?!" Note to you and me and all of the others in our boat - when we have children (which we will however long or painful the process of getting there will be) to NOT say stuff like that to our children.
Katie - your blog has really, REALLY helped me over the past several months - I have talked to my family and friends about what I'm going through but yours is the only story I can relate to. From insensitive things doctors have said to you to stupid fertiles in your neighborhood telling you you should hurry up and have kids - it has all happened to me and the day I stumbled along your blog I cried reading through the whole thing because I finally found someone who I know can relate to what I'm going through. So thank you. You'll never know how much those of us who are silent readers appreciate your honesty. Thank you. I'm sending lots and lots and LOTS of good thoughts your way!!!! Hang in there, Katie. You deserve continued good news and that is what I will be hoping for for you.

My Reality said...

This is a long and scary road, and you are not alone.

alison said...

I'm sorry yesterday was so sucky. I think your little stickies (because I think there's 2) are going to stick around for the long haul. I'll hold on to some hope for you for a while, let me know when you need it back. :)

I dated a guy with Poland's Syndrome. I didn't know that was the name of it. Interesting. Now I'm thinking about old boyfriends... ahh thank God I don't have to date anymore, I'd be horrible at it. ;)

Sending lots of love, luck, and stickiness to you!

waitinginline said...

I'm so sorry you're Mom is zero comfort to you. :-(

I'm so sorry you're in such a hard place right now. In our world it's just so hard to sit back and have faith.

Just so you know, I have faith for you!

(((hugs)))

jennifercarol said...

You're in a tough place and it is easy to find fault with any number when you are apprehensive. Hang in there! I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Mrs. Piggy said...

I think your beta was awesome...honestly, if I were you, id probably get another one for peace of mind....
doesnt it suck that now you have your BFP, but the obsessing never ends? i am 15 weeks, still obsessing over everything. every night i am convinced i am smooshing my babies when I sleep, or they arent growing enough because im not showing too much.

Fertilize Me said...

Hang in there Katie - The beginning for me was awful on my nerves and mind. I didnt blog about it because, I was afraid typing it would over hear me. Kinda nutso YES! But you are right, it's the not being pregnant and getting bad news after bad news and bad experiences and crappy assvice then BAM seeing 2 lines and thinking the whole world is going to combust at any minute and feeling very unstable and alarmed at the drop of a hat. These are normal feelings to feel- Feel it out! As much as a downer it is, It's going to be OK to feel however you feel at the time you feel it. It gets out of your system faster (for me). Sending you all kinds of love and support right now. This is when information that we know interfers with what the good came come of things. WE are all too educated and aware of the bad - forgetting that the good does actually happen also.

Searching said...

Ick, I come from hyperfertile stock too (4th sib born 9y post-vasectomy). Amazing that there weren't more children. Kinda hurts my feelings.

You'll be in my prayers, whatever your choice is. Pros and cons for both, but whatever you choose is the right one. Hang in there.

Kathy V said...

I have heard a similar story from my mother. For a while (before getting married) I listened. Now I don't. As hard as that is to say about my mom, I just dont want to hear the assvice because it obviously doesn't apply to me. I have resorted to telling her nothing about my worries, fears, treatments, because I know she just doesn't get it and I don't feel like explaining how it all feels for the gazillionth time. I talk to people that I know understand. I am hoping everything is okay. Will say an extra prayer for you.

wanttobeamom said...

I wish I had some good advice about your possible upcoming beta. The best thing I can tell you is to follow your gut. If you think that no good can come from the beta and that it will only cause you increased anxiety in the end, then maybe it's not a bad idea to skip it. I have only had 1 m/c, but it was a surprise to me (I was only 5 weeks). After reading the blogs of women whose betas fell (which mine had, but I hadn't gotten the results yet) and they had to wait around to m/c, I decided that maybe it was better to have it be a surprise. But, I think that's a personal preference.

I am sending all of the good vibes I can your way!

Tracy said...

Katie, I'm sorry you're having sad days when you should be naively feeling happy and excited. It's just not fair. I'm glad you've found some peace, and I pray that you continue to stay strong until you get news that reassures you...I just hope it doesn't take 9 months for that to happen.

xoxo

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Early pregnancy is so, so scary. And unfortunately I have this feeling that even after the first trimester it remains scary. I know exactly how you feel.

I wish you the absolute best and I'm praying for you.

Debby said...

I wish there was a secret recipe I could give you to help you relax and just have these first few weeks pass. Unfortunately, there is not, but know that my thoughts and prayers and hugs are with you and your little one (or ones!).

Geohde said...

I've just had my scan and THAT reassurance lasted about thirty seconds after leaving the room!

I hope that my neighbour forgives my flagrant abuse of their broadband, but I just had to check in and see when your scan was....


Oh, and the big-p shoutout was just about enough to turn my mind from nausea to tears,

xx

J