Saturday, December 15, 2007

Holiday Ramblings

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I don't believe in keeping you in suspense for no reason. I did get my blood taken today, but I got it taken too late to get the results before tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I will get them early in the day and will then update as soon as I can.

That being said. . .

I hope that everyone had a lovely Christmas. Our Christmas was quiet and very nice. Since we were engaged, my husband and I alternate holidays with the in-laws. It keeps things fair and leaves no room for argument. Short of a death in the family, we don't change the schedule.

This Christmas was a holiday with my parents and siblings. I really love my mother-in-law and husband's family (really, I mean it!), but there is nothing like being home at Christmas with my family. All of the things taht I associate with the holidays are at my parents' house. I am sure that my husband feels the same way, but even so, I am always glad when it is a Christmas with "my" side of the family. We got some neat presents, ate a ton of amazing food, and spent an enjoyable couple of days really just lounging around.

Even so, I found this Christmas to be lacking in something that I can't quite identify. First off, I hope this doesn't come off sounding like a complaint. I am so grateful that we had that positive beta two days before Christmas. That's one the hardest things about losing so many pregnancies. I have absolutely no belief that this will end in a healthy baby or babies. I check every two seconds for spotting. Every cramp, twinge, or small ache is a sign of impending miscarriage. Instead of being happy, we are "cautiously" optimistic. When my sister gave us a present for "the baby," I felt my gut clench. I thought about how we have a basket of toys, blankets, etc., in our bedroom at home, given to or purchased by us for other babies that we have had to say goodbye to.

I hate the reserve that I feel for this pregnancy. How many times have I written others, saying to savor each moment, no matter how fleeting? I suppose it's only natural, but I hate it. And the worst thing is that it won't work. If this pregnancy were to fail, then I will be devastated, so it's not as if I am really protecting myself.

Ugh. This has turned into such a negative post. I really didn't mean it to be that way. I feel truly blessed by how well things have gone so far and there is really no reason not to believe that they will continue to go well. But I am just so scared. And I want this to work so much that I can't even let myself enjoy what has been happening so far. I don't want to be like this.


A said...

I'm glad that with the already present stress, you were able to enjoy Christmas with your family.

I'll say what I say to everyone (including myself). People have healthy babies all the time; so can you. (i'm not downplaying your fear, though. it's valid too. just trying to give you a happy thought!)


Anonymous said...

When you know what all can go wrong, it is hard to be carefree.

I am glad you had a nice Christmas with your family. I hope next year brings you the joy you so very much deserve.

Tracy said...

Glad you had a nice Christmas!

I understand being so anxious. When you have to work so hard to GET pregnant, it seems possible that at any moment something could go wrong.

Can't wait to hear the beta report.

Fertilize Me said...

I felt(still have these feelings every now and again) remarkably similiar to your feelings. I begged no one to buy me anything baby related for christmas, my husband and I are just not ready yet. There is a fine line between enjoyment and knowing what can happen and it's a hard balance in the beginning. I never blogged about my unccertainty or fears .. I was afraid to even admit them. Just know that you are loved and supported by many and help that will help provide you assurance and comfort. Thinking of you!

Yodasmistress said...

Do your best to be happy and don't berate yourself for being human. Big hugs honey!