Wednesday, December 26, 2007
I don't believe in keeping you in suspense for no reason. I did get my blood taken today, but I got it taken too late to get the results before tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I will get them early in the day and will then update as soon as I can.
That being said. . .
I hope that everyone had a lovely Christmas. Our Christmas was quiet and very nice. Since we were engaged, my husband and I alternate holidays with the in-laws. It keeps things fair and leaves no room for argument. Short of a death in the family, we don't change the schedule.
This Christmas was a holiday with my parents and siblings. I really love my mother-in-law and husband's family (really, I mean it!), but there is nothing like being home at Christmas with my family. All of the things taht I associate with the holidays are at my parents' house. I am sure that my husband feels the same way, but even so, I am always glad when it is a Christmas with "my" side of the family. We got some neat presents, ate a ton of amazing food, and spent an enjoyable couple of days really just lounging around.
Even so, I found this Christmas to be lacking in something that I can't quite identify. First off, I hope this doesn't come off sounding like a complaint. I am so grateful that we had that positive beta two days before Christmas. That's one the hardest things about losing so many pregnancies. I have absolutely no belief that this will end in a healthy baby or babies. I check every two seconds for spotting. Every cramp, twinge, or small ache is a sign of impending miscarriage. Instead of being happy, we are "cautiously" optimistic. When my sister gave us a present for "the baby," I felt my gut clench. I thought about how we have a basket of toys, blankets, etc., in our bedroom at home, given to or purchased by us for other babies that we have had to say goodbye to.
I hate the reserve that I feel for this pregnancy. How many times have I written others, saying to savor each moment, no matter how fleeting? I suppose it's only natural, but I hate it. And the worst thing is that it won't work. If this pregnancy were to fail, then I will be devastated, so it's not as if I am really protecting myself.
Ugh. This has turned into such a negative post. I really didn't mean it to be that way. I feel truly blessed by how well things have gone so far and there is really no reason not to believe that they will continue to go well. But I am just so scared. And I want this to work so much that I can't even let myself enjoy what has been happening so far. I don't want to be like this.