Eve of Retrieval

It is after 11 PM and we have to be at the clinic at 7:15 tomorrow morning. Since it's a weekend, we won't have any traffic to worry about, but we still don't want to chance being late. So, our alarm clock is set for 5:30 AM. I really should get some sleep.

And yet. . .

I am nervous. I have convinced myself that I already ovulated. I know, I know, that's silly. I think that I am just trying to prepare myself for disappointment, just in case.

See, it was a year ago today that I floated into my OB's office, visions of a baby by this Christmas dancing in my head. At 11 weeks pregnant, we were gearing up to tell the world about our little Gummy Bear. I wasn't prepared for that still little baby on the screen. I let my guard down and my heart still hasn't recovered fully.

It is obviously much different and harder to lose a baby than it is to have an IVF cycle cancelled. However, I have been holding on to the hope of this cycle to ease the despair of yet another holiday without a baby, wondering if we will ever be parents.

So, I am nervous, but I am preparing myself for the worst. Just in case. Because I really don't know how much more my heart can handle.