Saturday, December 1, 2007
Well, I think I might have remained relatively unscathed by the Lupron, but I don't think I am going to be so lucky with this next phase. I am already not dealing too well with what I am pretty sure are the effects of the onslaught of hormones.
I gave myself the injections of Menopure and Follistim last night. I consider myself "a pro" with the sub cu needles by now, having made myself bleed only a small drop just once. So, imagine my surprise when after the Follistim, I had a bit of a bleed. It wasn't a lot of blood, but you know how your perception of a lot of blood changes when it is coming out of your own stomach. I figured that it was a blip, but then the same thing happened when I injected the Menopure, which also burned a lot when it was going in. It didn't really hurt, but it was definitely not as easy as the Lupron has been. I also have two nice sized bruises to show for it this morning.
I woke up today and the only way to describe me is. . . weepy. I have been crying on and off all morning. I am not sure if it is all in my head or really the drugs kicking in, but everything is making me feel sad.
My husband and I also haven't been getting along very well lately. Whereas I really didn't feel that different on the Lupron, he said that I have been short and impatient with him for the past few weeks. I feel as if he really isn't involving himself in this process the way that I wish he would. I have reviewed our dates and protocols countless times with him, and yet he still doesn't have them straight. He called me from work yesterday to ask (for the FIFTH time) what days he needs to ask off for egg retrieval and transfer. I told him that both are in flux right now, but that he needs to ask for the 11th off for sure and then we will see about transfer. He doesn't like to watch me inject the medications, doesn't got to the appointments, doesn't really do much to involve himself. I know that there isn't much he can do right now, but I don't even feel as if he is emotionally available right now.
This morning, I tried to talk to him about the distance I feel between us right now and we ended up fighting. He thinks that I am making a mountain of a molehill, that I am not receptive to any nice things that he does do for me. He accused me of being self-centered and oversensitive. And I ended up crying.
Sometimes, I don't even know if it's the drugs, or just the emotions around all of this. I told my husband today, I am mostly just scared. Scared I will mess up the protocol, scared we will not get to egg retrieval, scared of egg retrieval itself, scared that none of our eggs with fertilize, scared of OHSS, scared that our embryos will die before they can be transferred, scared of the decisions with freezing our embryos, scared of where to put our embryos if we should both die, scared that we will get pregnant, scared that we won't, scared that the betas won't double, scared that we won't see a heartbeat, scared we will have twins, scared that we will miscarry, scared that I will have to give birth.
I am scared. And possibly going crazy. Time for my Lupron.