Thursday, November 29, 2007

There's Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. . . And A Few Other Things

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Well, I think I might have remained relatively unscathed by the Lupron, but I don't think I am going to be so lucky with this next phase. I am already not dealing too well with what I am pretty sure are the effects of the onslaught of hormones.

I gave myself the injections of Menopure and Follistim last night. I consider myself "a pro" with the sub cu needles by now, having made myself bleed only a small drop just once. So, imagine my surprise when after the Follistim, I had a bit of a bleed. It wasn't a lot of blood, but you know how your perception of a lot of blood changes when it is coming out of your own stomach. I figured that it was a blip, but then the same thing happened when I injected the Menopure, which also burned a lot when it was going in. It didn't really hurt, but it was definitely not as easy as the Lupron has been. I also have two nice sized bruises to show for it this morning.

I woke up today and the only way to describe me is. . . weepy. I have been crying on and off all morning. I am not sure if it is all in my head or really the drugs kicking in, but everything is making me feel sad.

My husband and I also haven't been getting along very well lately. Whereas I really didn't feel that different on the Lupron, he said that I have been short and impatient with him for the past few weeks. I feel as if he really isn't involving himself in this process the way that I wish he would. I have reviewed our dates and protocols countless times with him, and yet he still doesn't have them straight. He called me from work yesterday to ask (for the FIFTH time) what days he needs to ask off for egg retrieval and transfer. I told him that both are in flux right now, but that he needs to ask for the 11th off for sure and then we will see about transfer. He doesn't like to watch me inject the medications, doesn't got to the appointments, doesn't really do much to involve himself. I know that there isn't much he can do right now, but I don't even feel as if he is emotionally available right now.

This morning, I tried to talk to him about the distance I feel between us right now and we ended up fighting. He thinks that I am making a mountain of a molehill, that I am not receptive to any nice things that he does do for me. He accused me of being self-centered and oversensitive. And I ended up crying.

Sometimes, I don't even know if it's the drugs, or just the emotions around all of this. I told my husband today, I am mostly just scared. Scared I will mess up the protocol, scared we will not get to egg retrieval, scared of egg retrieval itself, scared that none of our eggs with fertilize, scared of OHSS, scared that our embryos will die before they can be transferred, scared of the decisions with freezing our embryos, scared of where to put our embryos if we should both die, scared that we will get pregnant, scared that we won't, scared that the betas won't double, scared that we won't see a heartbeat, scared we will have twins, scared that we will miscarry, scared that I will have to give birth.

I am scared. And possibly going crazy. Time for my Lupron.

13 comments:

Mrs. Piggy said...

You poor thing. I can totally relate though. I guess my perspective was why should *I* have to do all the work. I have to take the shots, I have to worry about making it to appointments, I have to hope and pray my body does what its supposed to do. Only for him to go in a room and masturbate. It just seemed unfair. But you'll get through it, and once you get that BFP, you guys will both be able to relax and then live in fear between ultrasounds :)

alison said...

Sorry things are sad today. :( I'm hoping for you it will be all worth it in the end. It sucks that boys can be dumb and insensitive sometimes, like they don't need to say anything, just listening would be a good start. I'll say a little prayer for some serenity for you.

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry that you are feeling all these really difficult emotions. You are a brave girl. I made my husband give me my shots. I did give myself a few. But mostly my job was mixing, his job was injecting. That is how i made "us" be a part of this. Hang in there, Boys just don't get all these emotional aspects... but WE DO.. and we are here for you. You hubby is there for you too ... be extra kind and gentle to yourself

Tracy said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. It ebbs and flows, doesn't it?

At least you guys are talking, even though it doesn't feel like it was all that productive. I hope things get better soon...

xoxo

Von said...

You are not going crazy. It is the drugs and the stress doing it to you.
You shouldn't have to apologise for what you are going through. You have NO control over your emotions/body.
I know exactly what it's like. My husband refused to take part in our 1st IVF at all, except for his "part" in the whole process. Let's just say it didn't go down too well esp. as he was the one pushing IVF.
In hindsight I realised it was his way of coping, and not a particulary good way at that.
Next time round I had a big chat with him about needing his support both physically and emotionally or there wasn't going to be a 2nd cycle. He was much better and even came with me to an appointment or two.
The only thing I can suggest is to sit your husband down, on a day when you feel good, and ask him what's going on.
You thought you both wanted this, does he want to stop after this cycle, does he feel he is losing his wife or just wants you back to yourself, does it make him feel out of control, etc etc.
If it's any help, my husband and I have always sworn that the day IF started causing any hint of a problem in our marriage then the IF journey stopped.
Men. They can be very strange creatures.

Samantha said...

I'm sorry. The process is so stressful and the drugs only make things worse. FWIW, my foll.istim always made me bleed and my LH (from microdose ovi.drel) always stung going in.

I think men try to understand, but it's not their bodies, and that's a hard gulf to bridge.

chicklet said...

I'm on different meds but I'm totally the same - I cry very easily and I'm definitely short-tempered. I'm not bitchy per se or psycho like I was on Clomid, but definitely I have no patience, and he of course gets the brunt of it. If it helps him, tell him he's not alone:-)

On the scared, damn rights. We try so hard to just go step by step and take it all in but there's so many steps to knock you down and freak you out.

Good luck with all of it. I'm in it with ya.

My Reality said...

I know all of these emotions too well. For me, it helped to think about things one step at a time. It is a difficult emotional thing to go through and then on top of it all, you are shooting yourself full of hormones.

Polka Dot said...

I like what von said - most of it is the drugs (lupron had me crying for 2 weeks straight, with meltdowns in store aisles). Honest.

But your DH needs to understand that and not to take any reaction personally. And he also needs to understand that you need more from him than he's giving. My DH is the same - he shows up for his date with the cup and that's about it. Although I did make him start giving me the follistim injections (mine are from the UK, so they're in the muscle - and way cheaper) on our last cycle for the same reasons. I felt like I was putting so much into it and all he had to do was spend 10 minutes in a room with dirty magazine and a cup.

Kim said...

I'm sorry that this has to suck so much :O(.

Now, some advice.

The Menopur burned for me also. I learned that you can do a few things to help with this. For one, after mixing, let it sit for about five minutes. This seems to help a lot. And secondly, release the pinch of skin once you start to push the plunger, that helps also. I found that helped a lot also.

As for as being emotionally irrational... yeah, didn't I warn ya with my horror stories? It sucks terribly.

I'm really praying that this is IT for you... it's just not fair that you have to deal with such a whirlwind of uncertainties.

Geohde said...

IVF is stressful. It's easy to be all weepy, even without the drugs.

Be nice to yourself, and as for the husband thing mine kept his distance, too. I don't think he even knew how to help, rather than being the total irritable PITA I thought he was at the time.

xx

J

Ally said...

Oh, sweetie, bless your heart. I sometimes wish my brain had an "off" switch when I have days like this.

So much of this is so difficult and even on the best of days, our husbands can be a bit...oblivious to it all. It sounds like your hubby's heart is in the right place but that his mouth may not be.

I wish for both of you some peace and quiet in your hearts and in your minds. This, too, shall pass.

amy said...

Just remember to take it one day and one shot at a time...I asked my husband if he wanted to do some of the sub Q shots to get ready for the big PIO needles.

Hang in there.

Amy
dancingwithinfertility.blogspot.com