Friday, November 2, 2007

Time Warp

Deep breath.

That is what I am going to have to keep doing in order to get through the next two months. Just breathe.

I am scared. I am going to say it straight out. Scared out of my gourd. I know there are so many of you brave souls out there that have done this numerous times and you have my sincerest admiration.

Someone commented that they were overwhelmed by the injectibles class. Um. Yeah. Perhaps it is because we just made the decision to do IVF on Wednesday and less than 24 hours later, we were in an injectibles class. Everyone else already had their folders of protocol and boxes of medication and we were sans both. Perhaps it is just because it is overwhelming, all of these drugs, needles, etc., that we will be putting into our body.

And it isn't just the physical aspects that I am frightened of. It is the emotional part that is really screwing with me. I know that this is not necessarily our "last" step, but I know it will be incredibly heartwrenching if it doesn't work. I have watched others go down this road before me and I have seen the aftermath of a failed IVF cycle. I have already been through a lot (who hasn't?) and I am not sure what yet another "disappointment" will do to me.

Here's the real kicker: Even if it does work - so what? I have gotten pregnant before. That wasn't the problem before. Nothing was ever identified as our problem, so nothing was ever fixed. The only hope that we have is PGD, which we are doing, and that will at least ensure genetically sound embryos. If I miscarry again, then we know that my body is just a circus freak of nature, and that will be the end of the road.

Perhaps that is what scares me the most. The end of the road. Agh. . .

24 comments:

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

You do have a lot to sift through emotionally, mentally, physically with IVF being so quickly brought into your life.... I think it's so healthy though that you're figuring out and talking about your worries/concerns... I think the PGD is a really good thing to do. I've known several bloggers that have done it. Anyway, thank you for updating us!

Melissa said...

I am really hoping for your period to start before Monday and I know that even though you are scared out of your wits right now, you will get through this. You are strong and hopeful and maybe, JUST maybe, this is your baby.
Hugs.

Missy said...

Katie, I know that you're scared right now, but I think this will be IT for you. I really do. :)

alison said...

I'm sorry you're feeling scared! This is all moving so fast for you right now. Here's my unsolicited advice du jour - so feel free to ignore it - try not to think about the what ifs, the maybes, the what-should-i-be-doing-right-nows. Just BREATHE, and take it one step, one day at a time. It's NOT the end of the road, you've just turned onto a side street for a while. And hopefully this will lead you to a whole new amazing place.

p.s. to AF - you better get your happy ass to Katie's front door, ASAP.

Fertilize Me said...

This is a great start to a new chapter in your book. I am thinking of you and wishing you lots of warm fuzzy thoughts. I do not know your protocol for meds or if your insurance will pay for them. i ordered my injectibles from schrafts.com. they were the cheapest i found anywhere

Yoka said...

Dear Katie,

I so hope that the IVF will work for you and will be praying for you!!!

Don't worry about the injections. I hated needles. I hated to get my blood taken. Now I am not even thinking about it any more. During one of our cycles I even gave myself some shots. I still hate needles, but you get used to everything. There is nothing I wouldn't do for a child.

Samantha said...

I'm probably one of those bloggers who has freaked you out and I know my experiences haven't exactly been encouraging. But for what it's worth, I know how you feel and know how tough it is to face IVF as the "last chance." I will be rooting for you, and hope that with IVF/PGD you'll be lead to a happy ending.

Bonnie said...

'The end of the road'; yes it is a terrifying thought. I have recently started counseling to deal with 'the end of the road' feelings. I think that IVF and fertility treatments are even more emotionally taxing on those who have been pregnant before, but have miscarried (I too am in this boat). You not only have the goal of getting pregnant, but the goal of staying pregnant, where lots of women take the 'staying pregnant' for granted. I wish you the best of luck as you start this journey. IVF is so Exciting, and so scary. Just know that you are doing everything in your power that you can do; and BREATHE :)

Geohde said...

I hear you on the end of the road feelings....

I'm having those thoughts in the wake of my latest snarfus and they're not nice at all.....

I hope that this works for you,

xx

J

Debby said...

Wow...it's been an eventful few days for you. Just keep breathing and moving forward. You'll do great!

My Reality said...

The thought of reaching the end of the road is awful.

I hope this cycle brings lots of luck and new roads to travel on.

Kim said...

This must be so overwhelming for you. I hope that you have something that you can find comfort in, something that can help you stay strong through this. I can't imagine how scary it all must be, but I admire you.

Polka Dot said...

It's a lot to take in, the sudden rush to injectibles. But you'll find it a lot easier and, yes, sometimes a bit funny, as you go. It's just a lot to have tossed at you so quickly.

I haven't done IVF, but I'm here if you need to talk.

Anns said...

Oh honey, this must be so hard and I am so sorry you have to go through it. You're lucky that you have an obviously strong, supportive man with you through all this.

I truly hope the PGD helps makes the next one stick... with all my heart.
Anns xo

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I know how scary it is. I do hope that the end of the road will bring you to a place of pure happiness and your baby. HUGS!

infertility just sucks said...

Hooray for cocktails! I keep saying that if there is a silver lining to a negative beta then THIS IS IT!

***brought to you from a bar on a cruise ship***

Mrs. B said...

I am thinking and sending good thoughts your way.

I've never done the injectables so I don't know anything about them but just remind yourself of the goal that doing them might bring about and I'm sure you'll get through it fine!

Mrs. Piggy said...

Wow, cant imagine being thrown into the injectibles class like that :)
You are a perfect candidate for IVF, you seem so strong. You can do this!

jennifercarol said...

Okay so IVF scares the crap out of me, and we're nowhere close to even talking about it with our RE. So I can't imagine what it feels like at this point for you, especially given how quickly things have moved forward during the last week. I'm sending my best wishes!

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Just stopping by to say hello! I rarely read blogs EVERY day, but your is an exception. Haven't heard from you in a few days and just wanted to say you were missed!

laksh said...

Hi Katie, Hope you are doing OK. Did AF show? Good Luck with everything. You are in my thoughts.

Tracy said...

Hi Katie...it is scary. And it's all happening so quickly that it's a bit hard for your mind to get around.

But it will get easier. I was FREAKED out at first...when I got the protocol, saw the expenditures, got my first BIG BOX of drugs, saw the NEEDLES. But you do get used to it, and it isn't really THAT bad.

The good news is that even though you have miscarried, you will have a TEAM of doctors there providing you with support. It is there mission to get you to a live birth. They are rated on such things. So this is a good shot for you to take (pardon the pun.)

And no matter what happens, you will survive. I know some advise not to think about the what -ifs, and that may be best, but sometimes when I'm really freaking out, it actually helps me to face the "what if" head on. Is it really so bad? It sucks, sure, but life for me is pretty darn good. And there are ALWAYS options.

Hang in there...

JJ said...

Whew--you DO have a lot to think about--and going right into an injections class after deciding to do IVF must have felt MORE than overwhelming!
HOPING with all hope for you that this will be a fulfilling part of your journey-with a positive ending=)

Ally said...

Hi Katie-

Just checking in to see how the breathing is going. :) I've been managing to do it without too much interference from annoying evil voice and I'm hoping you're finding it to be easy and natural. You're in my thoughts!

Ally