Time Warp

Deep breath.

That is what I am going to have to keep doing in order to get through the next two months. Just breathe.

I am scared. I am going to say it straight out. Scared out of my gourd. I know there are so many of you brave souls out there that have done this numerous times and you have my sincerest admiration.

Someone commented that they were overwhelmed by the injectibles class. Um. Yeah. Perhaps it is because we just made the decision to do IVF on Wednesday and less than 24 hours later, we were in an injectibles class. Everyone else already had their folders of protocol and boxes of medication and we were sans both. Perhaps it is just because it is overwhelming, all of these drugs, needles, etc., that we will be putting into our body.

And it isn't just the physical aspects that I am frightened of. It is the emotional part that is really screwing with me. I know that this is not necessarily our "last" step, but I know it will be incredibly heartwrenching if it doesn't work. I have watched others go down this road before me and I have seen the aftermath of a failed IVF cycle. I have already been through a lot (who hasn't?) and I am not sure what yet another "disappointment" will do to me.

Here's the real kicker: Even if it does work - so what? I have gotten pregnant before. That wasn't the problem before. Nothing was ever identified as our problem, so nothing was ever fixed. The only hope that we have is PGD, which we are doing, and that will at least ensure genetically sound embryos. If I miscarry again, then we know that my body is just a circus freak of nature, and that will be the end of the road.

Perhaps that is what scares me the most. The end of the road. Agh. . .