Friday, November 9, 2007

A Guest Blog - Brought To You By the Great Blog Cross Pollination


Today is Friday, November 9, the day of The Great Blog Cross-Pollination.

How exciting! Today's Mystery Guest Writer is someone that I am very flattered to have blogging in my space. She is one of the first blog pals that I had the pleasure of meeting and I follow her blog like a little puppy. When I saw that we had been "matched," I was thrilled. I won't say anymore for fear of giving away her identity, but Mrs. X is a phenomenal writer and an amazing woman. Now, don't cheat - see if you can guess the identity of today's writer and then. . . click on the link below to see if you are right!

Without further ado. . .

Baby, it's cold outside.

Autumn is officially here. The weather is brisk, and while I can't yet
see the white clouds of breath when I exhale, I can smell it in the
air. You know, the smell reminiscent of burning wood. The smell right
before it starts to snow. It's then that I know fall is upon us. And
winter is just a hop, skip and jump away.
I remember in May when we got our BFP, and how I couldn't wait for it
to turn cold because then I would know it wouldn't be long. It
wouldn't be long until we had a baby in our arms. We would be busily
preparing for our impending arrival - finishing up the nursery and
buying last minute items we didn't get from our shower. I'd probably
be in my nesting phase, obsessing over cleanliness and orderliness. I
envisioned laying by the fireplace, drinking hot cocoa and decorating
our tree. This time I'd be the one adorned - with a huge belly. But,
instead, the cold weather is a painful reminder of what anniversary is
looming in the not-so-far-off distance. Time seemed to drag on for so
long, but now it seems to have sprinted forward all of sudden. Instead
of stressing about the arrival of a bundle of joy, we are stressing
about fertility treatment and debating taking a break.
At dinner last night, DH casually asked me how I would feel about
taking a break after this cycle if, or more like when, it is a BFN.
This means 2 things: (a) he's thought about it and (b) he thought it
was a good idea or otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it. I told him
that I would prefer to cycle in December and then, if no BFP, take a
break for a few months beginning in the new year. He seemed okay with
this plan - until we made it home and into the bedroom. His body had
other ideas. He had problems...well...getting it up. This has never
happened before. In the four years of us being intimate and two years
of us TTC, he has never once had an issue with performing on cue. I
doubt it is a physical problem, as we haven't had sex in over a week,
being that AF was here. He's usually pumped by that point. He finally
got it up long enough to finish but it left me wondering what the deal
was. Was this a culmination of two years of doin' it (and doin' it
well) on cue? Or was it because he really didn't want me?
I didn't mention anything about it until today. I asked him if he was
okay and what he thought the problem was last night. He thought it
could be his new asthma medication. But he also said he is tired (aka
The Truth). He thinks we are focusing too much on TTC and we've
dedicated two years of our lives to this. He thinks we need a new
focus. He thinks I'm obsessing.
I admit I don't quite know how to draw the line between trying and
"obsessing". I think the line is pretty blurry, if you ask me. If
someone is diagnosed with diabetes and uses injections to normalize
their body, participates in a diabetes walk, donates money to diabetes
research and spends time with a support group, is that obsessing? I
think of it as activism and doing something good for the community
while working through your illness. Why is infertility any different?
I do spend a lot of time on my blog and other outlets for IF. I have a
few support groups and I participate in events for IF when I can on my
free time. What is so obsessive about that? Is it the BBT charting? Is
it the time I spend on my blog? Is it taking meds and having doctor
appointments? If these things aren't stressing me out most days, why
is it obsessing? I guess I don't know how to try to conceive without
"obsessing". How can you not obsess when you have to take pills and
get shots just to do what your body should do naturally? How can your
life not at least partially revolve around your cycle? It is the
nature of the beast. Or at least that is what I've been conditioned to
believe.
I told him I wasn't going to force him to do anything he didn't want
to do. If he wants to take a break before the new year, we can. I told
him I've already finished up the Clomid this cycle so we should try to
salvage what we can this month. Then, we'll discuss what to do going
forward. I really want a chance at a Christmas BFP. I highly doubt it
will happen unmedicated. If we don't get those two lines, I'll be
ready for a good 3-month break. January through March - trying again
in the spring. Not that we'll avoid. We just won't have meds or shots
or timed BD. We will just try to get "us" back. I'm not opposed to
taking a break. I'm just not quite ready yet.
But I don't want to fight. I don't have the energy in me anymore.
There was a time I would have thrown a hissy fit and cried and pleaded
until I got my way. But not anymore. I don't want to have marital
problems on top of this. I'm trying to listen to his needs and give
him time. I just hope that he can reciprocate those feelings and we
can find a compromise.
And I can't help but wonder - if we are starting to have issues in bed
now - will this continue even if we do take a break? Will it be worse
when we go back to trying because we will have been lazy for so long?
Or worse yet - will he decided he enjoyed the break so much that he
doesn't want to go back to TTC in April? I wonder if IUI would be a
better option for us next year. He would still have to perform on cue
- but only once or twice as opposed to 7 days in a row. Of course,
that kind of convenience doesn't come without a cost. For the bargain
basement price of $600 a pop. I just don't know. I'm scared of what
the future holds for us. I'm hoping for a miracle.


Any guesses? Leave them in the comment section so that the world can see your brilliance. Then, check out this link to see if you were right (and if you are really bored, that is where you will find my blog entry for today). Thanks for playing and thanks to Geohde for being our Queen Bee and creating such a Blogging Buzz!

8 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

I know i KNOW ... well Becauseof a few reasons - but i guessed right. I won't say who it is for the chance for others to guess.

Mrs. B said...

I had a good idea, only b/c i read her blog everyday but I wasn't sure until I clicked on the link. But I was right! Now I'm off to read yours!

Yodasmistress said...

I cheated. I came from her page. But that means I read your blog too. ;-)

Geohde said...

:)

I knew the Mystery Blogger, and Mz Mystery Blogger as a woman who has been there many times with Performance Pressure, man it isn't easy to deal with. It's damn stressful having scheduled shags for years.

J

infertility just sucks said...

I can't believe I missed out on such a fun blog-love event last week. This is such a great idea.

Kristen - The same thought occurs to me sometimes, How much is too much?

I don't know what it is, but I know that I won't get there if I stop educating myself or pull back from my support community. They keep me optimistic and sane.

I think there's some healing value in that. It's like the 70's: If it feels good, do it!

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