End of the Road?

My feet have been swollen lately.

For the record, my feet don't normally look like this. I usually have ankles. And a cuter pedicure. But that's another story.

Yesterday, at my (almost) 36-week OB appointment, my blood pressure was up. Not dramatically, but over the 15-point rise that can diagnose pre-eclampsia. I had a small amount of protein in my urine. Not enough to get excited about on its own, but enough that, combined with the swelling, headaches, and BP increase, my doctor is a bit concerned.

I am in the strange land where I cannot quite be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, but I definitely have some warning signs. The most common way of treating this gray area is typically to reduce stress and increase rest. My OB told me to start checking into my pregnancy short term disability leave and that we would discuss my work status at my next appointment, which they then moved up to next Wednesday. In the meantime, I am to get as much rest as possible, with my feet elevated. I am not on bedrest at this point, but it looks as if it might be heading in that direction, or at least to being off of work for the duration of the pregnancy.

This is what I have been waiting for, right?! Well, yes, and in a way, I am relieved. Work has been getting more and more difficult. None of my shoes fit, I am exhausted, and my boss is a stress case.

In another way, though, it feels a bit scary. Work has been my identity for so long. When I was struggling with my miscarriages, at least I felt as if I still had something, even if it wasn't quite what I wanted.

Financially, we won't feel the strain of this extra time off. My company has excellent short term disability coverage and I will be getting 100% of my pay from the time I stop working throughout my maternity leave. Can't complain about that.

But emotionally, it feels weird to think that I am almost done.