Thursday, May 15, 2008

It Was Only A Dream

Last night, I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I was miscarrying again. Red blood was everywhere.

I woke up in a panic. I went to the bathroom to check and make sure that the red blood was only in my dreams. It was. The toilet paper was blessedly free of any red.

It was only a dream. I know that.

But it brought everything back.

I try to distance myself from the pain of miscarriage. I don't want to forget my lost babies. Not now, not ever. But in order to keep some amount of my sanity, I've had to turn away from the pain. I have had to stop looking through my miscarriage basket, finding new miscarriage blogs, and reading through old posts and journals. It is a way to survive.

This one dream, horrific and so "real," reminded me why I run away. It is just too awful to think about how many times that I went through this, that others go through this, that many of you have gone through worse. It's a nightmare and one that you can't wake up from. The fear that something will happen to this baby still lingers, even as his kicks get stronger everyday.

Each morning, I find myself holding my breath, waiting for his first stirrings. This morning, I am especially aware that I haven't felt him yet, which is completely normal. He is active for awhile each morning, then quiet except for a few bumps here and there, and then active again in the evening. I know his schedule now and if he deviates, my mind goes down a scary path. I poke and prod at my stomach until he responds with a firm "Leave Me Alone, Would Ya?" punch. Even then, I am not satisfied, wondering why he is not moving as much today.

I try to stuff these feelings away, down deep inside, where they cannot hurt me.

But then I have a dream, with blood and loss, a reflection of the reality that I lived for too long.

And I remember. And I am still scared.

22 comments:

Fertilized said...

Katie - Goodness I am sending you hugs today! I have had a few of these dreams - none recent. Sending you a big hug today

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I think you have to somehow put that all in a deeper recess of your brain right now. It's how you survive. You've been through so much pain, loss, and hell, I don't know how else you'd be anything less than a ball of nerves.
I've been so glad to see this pregnancy progress, that you finally seem to be getting a break. I've only lost one, and yet every single hour is filled with thoughts of "how long will this last" and endless checking for blood. It's natural the dream would affect you so.
Hoping today the little man jumps and bumps and moves around a lot, just to let you know he's thriving and can't wait to meet you guys.

Polka Dot said...

I'm sorry you're having a worrisome day. I can only imagine how you must feel.

Here's to him keeping his normal schedule and keeping you hopping this evening *hugs*

Kathy V said...

I am so sorry that you had a nightmare like this. I had one of those and it really frightened me. It can never be easy. Hugs to you.

Mel said...

Gosh, I cannot believe you don't have them more often with all you've been through, Katie.
You are strong and handling this pregnancy beautifully.
THIS ONE is going to be different.
It just is.
Prayers for you and baby boy today.
*hugs*

Joy said...

You just have to go into "survival mode". It doesn't mean you love the miscarried babies any less, but like you said... for the sake of your sanity!

I hate waking up to dreadful dreams and it usually lingers around me like really acidic cigarette smoke all day. Fill your time with distractions and if you're scared baby isn't moving enough, eat a snack and lay down on your side. Press your fingers into your side and feel those sweet baby bumps!

Adriane said...

That dream sounds horrible. I don't think you can go through everything you've been through and not still be scared, though.

I love that you can feel your little guy on a specific schedule. So sweet.

Kristen said...

I could have written this exact post. I'm so sorry about your nightmare. They seem so real sometimes and it just freaks you out. But I always wake up and hold my breath until I feel movement. Then I can exhale again.

I have no reason to suspect things will end badly but the pain of the previous losses will always stay with me. And until I have a healthy baby in my arms, I think I will always be afraid.

You're not alone sweetie. XOXO

JuliaS said...

I had a similar terrifying nightmare every night for seven weeks during my 5th pg - the one right after 3 miscarriages back to back. Just as you described - waking up to blood everywhere, miscarrying over and over again every night. Horrifyingly vivid. I would wake up shaking, drenched in sweat and afraid to fall asleep again only to see the same vision. It wasn't until I had another u/s at 11 weeks and the first thing I saw was the baby do a little jump and arm wave that seemed to say "See mom? I'm OK!" that the dreams went away.

I am glad to hear your little man is doing his best to reassure you. I know how scary and anxiety provoking a subsequent pregnancy can be.

Continued good wishes.

Jen said...

I've had those dreams too. They are horrible and I can never get back to sleep. I hope you have only good dreams from now on.

Tracy said...

I totally understand.

I had a dream last night that I leaked all of my amniotic fluid...and one of the babies was born prematurely.

Every day I wonder when the bottom is going to fall out on this pregnancy, in spite of all signs to the contrary.

I've had to completely stop reading miscarriage blogs, even though my heart aches for these women...I just can't allow it to enter my mind anymore than it already does. If it happens to others, it can happen to me, so I have to read about healthy pregnancies and real live babies.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Ah, to be ignorant.

My Reality said...

It was only a dream, but it is still the reality you have been given. Thankfully, all is well with the little one on board, and I hope his arrival helps heal some of the pain of this all.

I wish you nothing but sweet dreams tonight.

Maria said...

What a terrifying dream to have.

I can't imagine the things you have experienced and the fear you have, but just know that so many of us are praying for you and your sweet baby boy!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Those dreams are so scary. I'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way in hopes that those dreams just stop happening! HUGS!

Geohde said...

Dreams can be just awful. Goodness knows I've had enough nasty ones.

I hope you don't have any more like that though, too scary,

J

sara said...

I have not experienced the sadness that you have of the past, but I can relate a little to the fear that vivid dreams and trips to the toilet dreading the thought of what might be there is like. I am so sorry that you had this dream. I ams sending you some hugs, and good thoughts for a new day, a new set of good dreams, and the hope of the future your way.

Kathy said...

Katie,

I know how scary those dreams can be, but am glad that you woke up (and realized it was not and is not real) and are feeling your sweet little boy moving around.

I can understand with everything you have been through that it can still be hard to believe that everything is going to turn out alright with your baby boy, but I think you have taken more than your share of statistical bullets and this time the odds are on your side. (((HUGS)))

Hang in there and congrats again on 24, almost 25 weeks!

Thank you for the very kind things you said in your comment on my most recent blog post.

Love, Kathy

Amy said...

Ooo Katie,

I am so sorry, those are scary! You just need to think positive *happy* thoughts and push those bad ones clean out of there.

Thinking of you! XO, Amy

Meg said...

In a way, I think dreams/nightmares are the perfect place for this type of processing. In your mind, this experience and the fears you have are running wild at times....thankfully it happened in your sleep.

You remember because you will never forget. I hope to have the same strength you have when the time comes.

Searching said...

I'm so sorry you have those dreams and thoughts still. Your little one had my prayers every single day, and I'm sure the prayers of many others too. Day by day you are getting to that amazing finish line. Just keep breathing.

Kam said...

It was only a dream is right!....Your baby is going to keep kicking until he's due to come out! I hope you're feeling better!

Laura said...

I am so sorry you had such a scary dream! Just wanting to let you know I am thinking about you and your little man.