Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Seeking Normal

Update: My husband is a good man. He called from work this morning and has rearranged his schedule so that we can go in for a heartbeat check together at 2 PM. He doesn't think anything is wrong, quite the contrary, but he doesn't want me worried for no reason. Of course, now I am nervous over going to the appointment, but most likely, I will hear a beautiful heartbeat and can breathe again. For those of you that have commented or sent e-mails, I am so grateful for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am still in conflict as to what to do today. The nurse has offered a listen to the heartbeat this afternoon, but my husband cannot make the appointment. Of course, it is in an emergency, he can, but he is really busy at work and the constant appointments of the first trimester really impacted his effectiveness. And he has been at every single other appointment. He will be at the next two, which are the next two Mondays. He could go in, but it would be so much easier if he didn't have to. He also keeps asking me why I am so worried. I can't really put a finger on it.

I have no logical reason to suspect that anything is wrong with this baby. I have had the occasional light twinge of round ligament pain, but not awful cramping or any sort of sudden, sharp pains that have signaled other losses.

I have had no spotting. I knocked on wood, threw salt over my shoulder, and made sure there were no open umbrellas or broken mirrors around before typing that.

I have still had the occasional bout of morning sickness. As recently as last Friday, breakfast refused to stay down.

It would be extremely rare for something to happen to the baby in the second trimester, after hearing the heartbeat just three weeks ago. Not that I don't do small percentages, mind you, but it is statistically improbable that we would lose another baby after so many reassuring signs (see blog title above).

I have always been a worrier. I have always created the worst-case scenario in my mind. I have done it since I was a small child. In fact, when I was born, the pediatrician came to the hospital and examine me. His conclusion? As he handed me to my mother, he said, "You have an anxious baby here."

Worry is what I do. It seems to be woven into my genetic cloth.

And yet, I have wanted so much to not be a worrier. I was really looking forward, and trying so hard to be, a normal OB patient. When we were at our last appointment with Dr. S, he offered us an appointment in two weeks to check the heartbeat. We declined. We want to be normal. We have no reason to believe that we are anything but.

I don't want to feel as if I am choking on fear. I don't want to feel the panic closing in. I don't want the desperate tears that sometimes run down my face when I think about something happening to this baby. It isn't all of the time. Sometimes, I feel very happy and comfortable. But then something new will happen, like this pressure, and I will fixate and focus and wonder. I get distracted, I can't breathe, I can't think, I just google the same words over and over again, looking for the words that will soothe me. The pressure feeling is just always there, but now it has worked its way into a lump of fear that has settled into my heart, my lungs, my throat.

It sounds so easy on the one hand: Just go in. Hear the heartbeat, know it's okay. On the other hand: My husband can't go with me. What if something is wrong and I am all alone when they can't find the heartbeat?

Not to mention the fact that it almost seems like I am losing some sort of personal struggle if I give in to the fear. I want to conquer it. I don't want my previous losses to take anything else away from me. I loved those souls with all of my own. When I lost them, at two days after the positive pregnancy test, or 11 weeks, it ripped my heart into shreds. I never want to forget what we have lost, but I want to embrace the future. I don't want to live in fear.


Tracy said...

Oh, Katie...I wish I could be there to go in with you. I understand that fear. At our appointment a couple weeks ago, Scott wasn't going to be able to attend, and I was terrified of the same thing. In the end, he made it, but I would have been a mess if he hadn't.

Try not to beat yourself up, or force yourself to feel normal when you don't. Just do your best to get through every day, one day at a time...


Mel said...

Katie, I am praying so hard for you and your baby right now. Please try your best not to overworry and remember it's all in His hands.

infertility just sucks said...

You still deserve peace of mind! Being normal doesn't mean that you have to be tough and refuse a check-in.

Here's what you should do. Pop on over to babybeats.com and pay $20 a month for a basic doppler and listen to that little heartbeat any time you want.

I ordered one last week and it's going to go a long way in keeping me sane.

Fertilized said...

Katie - I am so sorry that anxiety is plaguing you at the moment. I know what you mean about conquering fear. I had to also. It was killing me and i was becoming a mental basket case. You have to do what will help YOU and the baby. You will overcome those fears (however you choose to). Irrational or Rational- fears haunt and make things mentally exhausting. I too wish i was there with you. Saying a prayer for you. In a few weeks- you will definately feel movements (if you haven't already) the lil movements - although sporadic- help with the peace of mind so much. No cramping , not sign of distress- these are all excellent things. Praying for you

Amy said...

Katie, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I don't have anything to add to that. I wish you didn't have to go it alone, I am so sorry that you do at this point.

Hang in there...normal will come for you a ways down the road.

Polka Dot said...

I absolutely hate that you're having to feel like this. Like Tracy said - I wish I lived closer because I'd go with you.

I can't tell you what to do, but you deserve some peace of mind.

Jen said...

While there is still fear there, I know that you will get through it. You are just too strong to live in fear forever.

Kim said...

I'm thinking of you, sweetie. And you need to buy a damn doppler! It would be so comforting to be able to check on your own whenever you feel the 'need' without getting self-conscious about calling the doctor or going in. I haven't bought one (you can rent from babybeat.com) because I'm too scared, but I still recommend it!

Laura said...

I am so glad to hear your husband will be able to go with you. What a good man! :) I can't wait to read your next update about the beautiful sound of the heartbeat.

Chris said...

I'm sorry to read that you've had so many worries lately. I wish there was a way I could take them away from you. I'm holding a good thought for you for today.

Julie said...


Thinking of you today and I'm hoping that your appointment has gone well.

Sending lots of (((hugs))),

Polka Dot said...

I'm trying to do the math with the time zones ... I'm eastern and you're way out there to the west.

I hope your doc was able to put your worries to rest.