As we approach the 18-week anatomy scan, I am a jumble of nerves and excitement. I was talking to pregnant friend of mine, who is five weeks ahead of me. She and her husband also used IVF to get pregnant. I asked her if she was nervous and she said that she wasn't, because she just figured that if it took this long to get pregnant, nothing was happening to her baby. I didn't point out to her that IF treatments do not guarantee a healthy baby. I kept my mouth shut and I envied her rose-colored glasses. I want a pair.
I honestly thought that once I was "this" pregnant, I wouldn't be so worried. If anything, I am more worried in the second trimester. After all, I've "done" the first trimester a lot. I know the lay of the land. I know what normal cramping feels like, I know what not-so-normal cramping feels like. In the second trimester, I am completely unsure of what is right vs. wrong. These cramps that I have been feeling the past few days? Are they normal? Everything seems fine, no spotting other than what followed my pap smear on Monday. What about the fact that I felt the baby move distinctly on Saturday, and besides a few possible baby moves, nothing since?
One of my other girlfriends believes that I might have post traumatic stress disorder. I am not sure if I would put any label that official on it, but I do think that my mind won't work "right" when it comes to pregnancy. Try as I might, I can't seem to really wrap myself around the concept that this pregnancy could result in a real live baby. I have all of these other scenarios in my head. And really, it's so much more rare for the baby to die at this point, really I would have some serious bad luck. All the testing that we did eliminated a lot of the reasons why women lose babies in the second and third trimester, so we can rule out uterine issues, blood clotting, hormonal factors, etc.
I know that my RL friends are getting bored with my constant worrying. In fact, I have really stopped talking about it with any of them, because I can see the roll of their eyes or hear the sigh in their voices.
As I told my OB on Monday, I am having a normal pregnancy, and I just can't enjoy it. I really hate that.
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14 comments:
I think we all have a lil bit of PTSD when it comes to infertility, treatments and whatever the next step may possibly be. We know things - but there are many that say "since it took us long to get here - nothing bad will happen" I am not one of those at all.. Bad things happen and i do not know the reasonings - but good things happen also - and i still don't know that reasoning either.
You are doing fine - and i am glad every post htat your publish to read about your expreience on this path! you and baby are in my thoughts - and will be for a very long time. We can only do our best- and we know what our best is!
Katie,
I know it has to be hard for you. I don't have any words of advice, I wish I did. Hang in there!
I totally understand. I have a friend who is due at the same time as me, and I will never fully "get" how casually she can make statements about "when" the baby arrives. (My own statements always start with "If everything goes okay....") My confidence grows a little week by week, but I don't think I'll ever stop being the bundle of nerves that I am before every appointment or scan.
You should read my blog post...we're on the same page today.
Most of the time I do a good job keeping a rosy outlook, but today I'm struggling.
Like you and I have talked about, we KNOW all the things that can go wrong, and they happen to people that we know and have come to care about. If it can happen to them, it can happen to us! It is scary.
But I continue to pray that all will go well for you, and I really can't wait to hear how things go on Monday! I'm only 5 weeks behind you.
xo
I"m right there with you re: PTSD. Not sure if it's 'official', but those of who have suffered losses can never get back to the innocence of the whole pg. thing. Bad things happen. They USUALLY don't, and I think that's what's hard for us to remember...because the bad things have happened to us, often more than once.
Let's hope things go well -- I'm really enjoying your blog -- thanks for your words.
Cari
I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you, I admire the courage you have to get up and just face this pregnancy with any sense of hope and faith!
What a lot of people don't understand is that miscarriage is a death, no matter how early or how late. For those who've never experienced it (which includes myself), I think it's so easy to just be complacent about it and not fully grasp the horror of it all.
You're stong and so kind and know that all of us here are pulling for you and your baby every day.
You inspire me in my own journey and give me hope that anything can happen, including a real live baby.
*hugs*
I think it's pretty common after IF of any description to worry. Lots. We're far more aware of all the bad stuff that can happen.
On another note entirely....no fair, you've got your Big Scan first! I'm going to be nearly 20 weeks at mine because they couldn't fit me in any sooner.
J
Oh, I know these feelings. I often worry that I'll be one of those freak statistics. And with so much else going on in our lives, a mishap could be a major nightmare. Things are just so complicated.
Hang in there! Get from one appointment to anther. Only 2 more days until that big scan! Whoo hoo!
Just remember every thing that is different about this pregnancy. You've listed it before.
And I hope you post some pics from your scan. :-)
I know what you mean. I never really thought I'd get to this point in pregnancy. The fact that I'm looking a little rounded still startles me, and I still haven't bought any m-clothes, constantly fearing I'd be jinxing myself if I do anything to acknowledge it. To appease my husband, though, I fake those rose-colored glasses occasionally and I can sometimes believe it.
Well thank goodness you can talk freely in here with people that GET YOU. I am sure you do the best you can to focus on the good..but the fact is you know that shitty things can happen. Probably won't but can. Try and enjoy it as best you can.
I kept waiting for that other shoe to fall that I gave birth to my son and didn't have a single thing ready. We brought him home from the NICU (he was born a month early) and I remember sitting on the couch and thinking "what do I do now?" I was that unprepared - and it wasn't my first kid! Just my baby born after 5 miscarriages and then 13 solid months of fertility drugs - I just could not wrap myself around the thought that I would actually bring him home from the hospital. We did though and I was almost completely floored!
You are going to run into people who don't understand - who are going to think you are a ninny, a worrywort or a drama queen. It doesn't matter - you have to live with yourself and take care of yourself. What they think is irrelevant.
I completely agree that all of us who struggle and have gone through loss and the physical and emotional trauma that goes with it, suffer from post-traumatic stress to some degree.
Good wishes.
I'm sorry that you cannot enjoy this pregnancy as much as you would like. However I hope at every ultrasound you are able to breathe a little easier knowing you are that much closer to the finish line!
I think that what you are experiencing is the lay of the land for a woman experiencing pregnancy after IF. I, too, have similar concerns and I'm not sure they will ever go away. If there is one thing that dealing with IF leaves you with it is the constant feeling of uneasiness--like at any moment that rug can be pulled out from under you.
Trust me when I tell you, as things progress and as you start to feel more consistent movement you will have days where you feel "better." But just as in life, nothing is guaranteed 100%, and so there will always be a small part of you that is scared. I totally understand that and unless you've been through all the crap that IF throws at you, you probably will never understand.
You are not alone and if you ever need an ear to vent to I'm always here. :) HUGS.
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