As we approach the 18-week anatomy scan, I am a jumble of nerves and excitement. I was talking to pregnant friend of mine, who is five weeks ahead of me. She and her husband also used IVF to get pregnant. I asked her if she was nervous and she said that she wasn't, because she just figured that if it took this long to get pregnant, nothing was happening to her baby. I didn't point out to her that IF treatments do not guarantee a healthy baby. I kept my mouth shut and I envied her rose-colored glasses. I want a pair.
I honestly thought that once I was "this" pregnant, I wouldn't be so worried. If anything, I am more worried in the second trimester. After all, I've "done" the first trimester a lot. I know the lay of the land. I know what normal cramping feels like, I know what not-so-normal cramping feels like. In the second trimester, I am completely unsure of what is right vs. wrong. These cramps that I have been feeling the past few days? Are they normal? Everything seems fine, no spotting other than what followed my pap smear on Monday. What about the fact that I felt the baby move distinctly on Saturday, and besides a few possible baby moves, nothing since?
One of my other girlfriends believes that I might have post traumatic stress disorder. I am not sure if I would put any label that official on it, but I do think that my mind won't work "right" when it comes to pregnancy. Try as I might, I can't seem to really wrap myself around the concept that this pregnancy could result in a real live baby. I have all of these other scenarios in my head. And really, it's so much more rare for the baby to die at this point, really I would have some serious bad luck. All the testing that we did eliminated a lot of the reasons why women lose babies in the second and third trimester, so we can rule out uterine issues, blood clotting, hormonal factors, etc.
I know that my RL friends are getting bored with my constant worrying. In fact, I have really stopped talking about it with any of them, because I can see the roll of their eyes or hear the sigh in their voices.
As I told my OB on Monday, I am having a normal pregnancy, and I just can't enjoy it. I really hate that.