For Our Next Trick

I am a medical freak of nature. I already knew this, I guess, but it always catches me by surprise for some reason.

I am cycle day 5 of my suppression cycle. Like the good, compliant patient that I am, I had my Day 2 bloodwork and started my birth control pills.

I went in today and Dr. M proclaimed my 3.4 FSH and 30 Estradol levels "perfect." However, when she went in with the dildo cam to get a baseline follicle count. . . we went from picture perfect to "uh oh." Apparently, one of the magic tricks that my body can do is ovulate even when on birth control. This actually makes some sense, since our first pregnancy happened when I was on the pill. My husband thought I had just missed a pill or something, but after seven years, I was pretty dependable. At least my guilt from that is assuaged.

The problem is, of course, that I have to have a suppression cycle. We have now increased my bcp to 2 times a day (Crazy Town, here I come) in the hopes that my lead follicle "will shrivel up and die" (that is a quote from Dr. M).

They actually had me take the second pill right then and there. No messing around. Dr. M did manage to tell me that less than 4% of women will continue to ovulate in the presence of birth control, so once again, I have taken the statistical bullet. Lovely.

If this follicle doesn't shrivel up and die, then we will have to move forward to January. We will know at next Saturday's ultrasound.

Well, at least it's never boring being a statistical freak of nature.

Protocol and TAG!

Thanks in no small part to many of your prayers and crossed fingers, my period came on Saturday morning, which safely puts us in the window for the December transfers. I will begin Lupron injections on November 18 and if all goes according to plan, that puts our egg retrieval at December 12. However, we have no idea how I will respond to the medications. A girlfriend of mine was oversuppressed and had to delay everything by a full cycle. So, keep those fingers crossed and prayers coming.

About a week ago, Tracy tagged me for 7 Quirky Things About Me. I actually did this about a while back, but I am not one to let a tag go. So [insert drumroll here, please] I am introducing a NEW tag:

Okay, I confess, I saw this on someone else's blog. But for lack of my own creativity, I thought it was worth a try. All you do is type your first name followed by the word "needs" into Google and see what you come back with. For example, I typed in "Katie needs" and this, dear friends, is what I need according to the good Dr. Google:

Katie needs an ultimate Katie Holmes ressource with news, pictures, wallpapers and much more! (Hmmm, I don't really think that I need that, but if you do, here is the website - who knew? www.katie-holmes.org)

Katie needs a home (In this case, Katie happens to be a parrot that is up for adoption. If you are interested, you can adopt Katie here: www.quakerparrots.com/forum)

Katie needs HULA LESSONS! (This is true, I suppose, because I do not know how to hula and my husband and I are considering taking a vacation to Hawaii.)

Katie needs to let Jack go. (Hmmmm. My dog's name is Jack. Where does he want to go?)

Katie needs a blog! (Hey, finally something that I have already taken care of!)

Now, I am going to tag THREE people. Why three, I am not sure, but I am!

I am going to tag Geohde, because we all know how much she likes to play with Google. I am also going to tag Polka Dot, because she got so excited last time that I tagged her. And since Tracy tagged me, now I am tagging her back! Go forth and find what you need!

Time Warp

Deep breath.

That is what I am going to have to keep doing in order to get through the next two months. Just breathe.

I am scared. I am going to say it straight out. Scared out of my gourd. I know there are so many of you brave souls out there that have done this numerous times and you have my sincerest admiration.

Someone commented that they were overwhelmed by the injectibles class. Um. Yeah. Perhaps it is because we just made the decision to do IVF on Wednesday and less than 24 hours later, we were in an injectibles class. Everyone else already had their folders of protocol and boxes of medication and we were sans both. Perhaps it is just because it is overwhelming, all of these drugs, needles, etc., that we will be putting into our body.

And it isn't just the physical aspects that I am frightened of. It is the emotional part that is really screwing with me. I know that this is not necessarily our "last" step, but I know it will be incredibly heartwrenching if it doesn't work. I have watched others go down this road before me and I have seen the aftermath of a failed IVF cycle. I have already been through a lot (who hasn't?) and I am not sure what yet another "disappointment" will do to me.

Here's the real kicker: Even if it does work - so what? I have gotten pregnant before. That wasn't the problem before. Nothing was ever identified as our problem, so nothing was ever fixed. The only hope that we have is PGD, which we are doing, and that will at least ensure genetically sound embryos. If I miscarry again, then we know that my body is just a circus freak of nature, and that will be the end of the road.

Perhaps that is what scares me the most. The end of the road. Agh. . .

Fingers Crossed

Update: Well, Dr. M has proven sympathetic to our plight, and has approved us to be the final transfer of 2007. We had to do a little schedule juggling and make it to an injections class today, but we have gotten the green light. Now, everyone cross your fingers that my period arrives before Monday, or all may be lost. This is so ironic - praying for a period! I will post more on our actual protocol and dates tomorrow - but as those of you who have traveled this path before well know, those are moving targets. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is appreciated so much more than you could ever know.

Yesterday moring, I called T at my RE's office and left her a message asking whether it was even possible for me to get into an IVF cycle before the end of the year. I figured there was no use agonizing over a decision that might not even be mine to make. I explained the financial reasoning as well as the emotional need to be proactive.

At almost 5 PM, I received a phone call from the IVF coordinator, who is just the greatest woman, compassionate, kind, and caring. She is the type of person that you would expect to have working at a IF office. She explained that I could just make it into the last group of cyclers for 2007, if my period starts in the next 5 - 7 days (no pressure here) and I can start my suppression medication (fancy name for birth control pills, eh?) on the second day of that cycle.

I would then be starting injectibles in late November/early December with a mid-month retrieval/transfer and a Christmastime beta. It is strange to think that it can happen so quickly, although I guess we have been building to this for quite some time, and there is nothing "quick" about it.

The only potential snag is that Dr. M still has to approve this. I can't imagine why she wouldn't, but she wasn't in yesterday, so the IVF coordinator was just calling me to explain the basic details and what I would need to do to get started if Dr. M gives us the go ahead.

I am a strange mixture of terrified, elated, excited, sad, and scared right now. I will post an update later to let you know the verdict. Fingers crossed. . .

Whine & Wine

Whew!

What a week! It's amazing how much can change in just seven days. Last week at this time, I was hoping to be pregnant and now, I am hoping to for my period to start - still no sign of it.

What a whiner I have been this week. Sure, I probably have justifiable cause for a bit of whining her and there, but I have been boring myself this week with my "poor, pitiful ol' me" attitude. Sure, it kind of sucks that our last IUI didn't work, but a lot of really great things happened this week, and I am thankful for the fact that so many people are working together to make this whole IVF thing come together at such last minute notice.

The latest in the "it's all coming to together" is that I talked to my boss about everything yesterday. She knows all about our issues and has been incredibly supportive in the past. Even so, I was a little concerned that she might not like me taking so much time off during December. I had drawn up a calendar and a proposal for my time off, including asking a colleague to cover for me on the days when I would be truly out of commission. I even rehearsed my speech and then called her. She ended up being relieved because she thought that I was quitting!

Anyway, she couldn't have been more excited for us or more supportive. She told me to do whatever I needed and we would work out the time off/work from home days as needed. I was so thankful for her support and it seems as if this is all truly coming together.

Now, for the weekend!

We are off to Leavenworth, which is a cute little resort town about two hours from our house. It is a "Bavarian Style" village in the mountains and is so pretty at this time of year. A couple of years ago, a lot of wineries opened up tasting rooms in the little town area. I think there are a total of 16. We got a hotel within walking distance and plan to do a lot of wine tasting and have a great dinner. We are going with one of my husband's friends and his girlfriend that we really like. When we planned this weekend, I wasn't sure that I would be able to partake in the wine tasting. Of course, that would have been an easy sacrifice, but since I am not pregnant, there's no reason why I can't wine this weekend instead of the whining that I have been doing!

Cheers!

Can I Get A Side of Salt for My Wound Please?

I am still raw from yesterday.

Of course, it started with the BFN. I know that there are people out there that get positives later on, but for me, that has always been my threshold. Sure, I always hope that I am wrong, I even POAS this morning, because the tests are only a dollar, you know. BFN.

I tried to pull it together and did a pretty decent job, I thought. I had an early morning appointment and it was an important one. I didn't have time to cry or mope. I did manage call my RE's office and left a message for my doctor's medical assistant.

Surprisingly, friends, it was that message that would later become my undoing. See, here's the deal: This was our sixth medicated cycle. I have been doing A LOT of research and what I have found is this: if oral meds don't work within the first three cycles, they probably aren't going to. The success rates go down dramatically after that third cycle, and they aren't crazy high to begin with. This was only our second IUI, but the doctor had suggested doing two OR three cycles with oral meds before moving on to injectibles.

So my message to the medical assistant asked when Dr. M thought we should do next. I asked if we needed another face to face consultation or just a phone one.

T called back about two hours later and the conversation went like this:

Me: "So, it is 13 DPO and I got a negative pregnancy test today. Having been pregnant many times before, I know that I always get my positives by this point. I am pretty sure that this cycle didn't work. What does Dr. M think that we should do next?"

T: "Well, we always say, our patients know their bodies." (Said with a little undertone, meaning, I think, that I shouldn't give up hope yet for this cycle).

Me: "I won't stop taking the progesterone until tomorrow, just in case I had a late implanter, but I really think it didn't work."

T: "Okay. What can I do for you then?"

Me: "I wanted to know what Dr. M thinks we should do for the next cycle."

T: "I am reading your chart from your last appointment and it says that you wish to do two or three more cycles and then move to injectibles."

Me: "But what does Dr. M think?"

T: "I just told you. Two or three more cycles."

Me: "But I am not a doctor. Does she think that we should do another oral or just move to injectibles now?"

T: "I am reading your chart."

Me: "I know. I know what it says, but I would like to know what Dr. M says now that the two cycles have gone by. Does she recommend a third cycle?"

T: "It says that you wish to do two or three more cycles. So, I guess it's up to you."

I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation, which wrapped up in me making an appointment to start an injectible cycle. Here's the deal, though. Why am I making these decisions? Why isn't my RE being more proactive, taking the bull by the horns, and saying, "Let's go!" Why do I always have to be the one to pull the trigger on these things. Much as I consider myself the "expert," I am not. She is. So why can't she have a frickin' opinion? I even asked the MA what injectibles would do that oral meds hadn't done. She said that was a question for the doctor. Um, yeah, do you think I could talk to my doctor? Not a chance.

The other really frustrating thing for me about this cycle is that we cannot try in November. Usually, that is what gets me through a BFN. I ovulate early on meds, so our follicle scan is Day 10. I may be sad, but I can live ten days to try again. Unfortunately, a work meeting is Day 10 - Day 15. We will not be able to try this month.

So, December, here we come. Logically, I know that it will go by quickly, but emotionally, it sounds so very far away.

One more grain of salt to throw into the wound is that I have had amazing fertility insurance until this point. And I have never taken it for granted. I always have felt so fortunate to be able to make decisions without having to be too concerned about the financial portion. As of January 1, that all changes. We are going to be responsible for a huge portion of all of our fertility related medical procedures. Part of me wonders if we should just say screw it and see if we can't squeeze an IVF cycle in before January 1.

But I am scared to do IVF. It's the "last step." I have watched others be defeated in IVF and I have always wondered if I am strong enough to do it.

Sorry this post is so jumbled. I guess it's just a reflection of my feelings today. It's so hard to believe how happy I was last Halloween, seeing sweet Gummy Bear on ultrasound for the first time. And now I am so, so sad.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring.

Nothing To See Here

I imagine myself in a cage, huddled in the corner, tears slowly slipping down my cheeks.

Perhaps I am in the zoo or a museum.

A little girl walks by with her mother, points a chubby finger at me and asks, "Why is that woman crying, Mommy?"

Her mother pauses, reads the sign in front of my cage and sadly shakes her head. "Something awful happened to that woman."

"What happened, Mommy? What was so awful?"

"Hope died."

"Who is Hope, Mommy?"

"Not who, Sweetheart, hope is a what. It is the most important feeling to a woman and when it dies. . . Well, there is nothing left."

13 DPO. BFN.

Hope has died.