About That

I am slightly ashamed to say that I didn't start ECT today..

I say only slightly, because I should have updated here sooner, NOT that I postponed the procedures.

I started a new job on Friday.  And as they scheduled things for me (rightfully so), the anxiety in my stomach grew and grew.

I was scheduled things for Monday.  Most I could reschedule. One (the most important, of course), I could not.  So I left my work meeting on Friday, my stomach teeming with nerves.  Even though the immediate cause for  a nervous stomach and mind had passed (my recent meeting), the jitters in my insides hadn't gone away.  I couldn't calm down. 

M picked me up from my meeting (I cannot drive, remember) and we settled into a discussion of how my initial meet and greet had gone down.  As I talked with him, I realized the stupidity of trying to start a new job, with all the learnings and new information, and also do a procedure famous for memory loss.  It just made no sense. 

So I decided to cancel the ECT for this week.  They couldn't have been more understanding and simply scheduled me for three more appointments on the back end of my current schedule.  I should have felt immense relief after taking that off my plate.  Instead, I am experiencing anxiety like never before. I don't know why I am so anxious, except that starting a new job is always stressful, and adding this in to another parttime job and ECT constantly hovering on the horizon, I suppose I can understand why I feel a little out of sorts.

I got several kind messages via Facebook from those of you who were expecting that I'd had the ECT done as planned.  Thank you for that.  I will need those words of comfort when I actually do ECT.

The next question is. .  . when will I actually do ECT?  The thing is that the first few weeks on any new job isn't exactly the time to be compromised in any regard.  I have no idea how I will respond to ECT.  I could be just fine, but even so, I will be unable to work for several hours, three times in one week.

So I don't know what to do. I still feel depressed.  I still spent most of my weekend either in bed or on the couch.  I still believe that ECT is a viable option for me.  But I might need to wait until I have established myself in this job a bit more before I make that leap.

More waiting.