I am slightly ashamed to say that I didn't start ECT today..
I say only slightly, because I should have updated here sooner, NOT that I postponed the procedures.
I started a new job on Friday. And as they scheduled things for me (rightfully so), the anxiety in my stomach grew and grew.
I was scheduled things for Monday. Most I could reschedule. One (the most important, of course), I could not. So I left my work meeting on Friday, my stomach teeming with nerves. Even though the immediate cause for a nervous stomach and mind had passed (my recent meeting), the jitters in my insides hadn't gone away. I couldn't calm down.
M picked me up from my meeting (I cannot drive, remember) and we settled into a discussion of how my initial meet and greet had gone down. As I talked with him, I realized the stupidity of trying to start a new job, with all the learnings and new information, and also do a procedure famous for memory loss. It just made no sense.
So I decided to cancel the ECT for this week. They couldn't have been more understanding and simply scheduled me for three more appointments on the back end of my current schedule. I should have felt immense relief after taking that off my plate. Instead, I am experiencing anxiety like never before. I don't know why I am so anxious, except that starting a new job is always stressful, and adding this in to another parttime job and ECT constantly hovering on the horizon, I suppose I can understand why I feel a little out of sorts.
I got several kind messages via Facebook from those of you who were expecting that I'd had the ECT done as planned. Thank you for that. I will need those words of comfort when I actually do ECT.
The next question is. . . when will I actually do ECT? The thing is that the first few weeks on any new job isn't exactly the time to be compromised in any regard. I have no idea how I will respond to ECT. I could be just fine, but even so, I will be unable to work for several hours, three times in one week.
So I don't know what to do. I still feel depressed. I still spent most of my weekend either in bed or on the couch. I still believe that ECT is a viable option for me. But I might need to wait until I have established myself in this job a bit more before I make that leap.