I finally got the phone call with the schedule for my ECT treatments. And of course, now that I have the dates on the calendar, I am losing my nerve. Thoughts keeping rioting through my head. Am I really going to shock my brain? Is my depression really that bad? Maybe it's a bit better and I should wait.
But I really don't think my depression is better. Not really. I know what normal me feels like. And I am not normal. Then I worry that maybe there is no normal me anymore. Maybe that energetic person is gone forever and I will be a sloth for all of eternity.
90% effective. That is what I have to focus on. My psychiatrist says it is actually closer to 95% in all of the clinical studies. So I'd have to be really unlucky to be part of that small percentage for whom it doesn't work. But I've been part of a small percentage before and it wasn't all that much fun.
See, I told my doctor's nurse I wasn't brave. I am really just scared. Scared of the procedure. Scared that it won't work. Scared that I will always feel like this.
BUT. My fear of staying like this forever and being this depressed person is my greatest fear of all. It is a fear great enough to propel me forward and do this. I CAN DO THIS.